Overcoming People-Pleasing
I love doing surveys - not so much filling them out, but sending them out to the people I serve in different capacities in order to get their feedback. It can be really helpful - if we know what peoples’ needs are, it makes serving them more effective. So whether it’s in my homeschool co-op group I lead, my church’s women’s ministry, or my own writing, I’m a big fan of surveys.
The downside is that we can easily become a slave to the results, take the negative feedback to heart, or look for personal validation and self worth in the words others have to say about us. No one can ever please everyone all of the time. There will always be someone who is disgruntled or had unrealistic, incorrect expectations. In short, it can be a breeding ground for unhealthy people-pleasing.
Do you struggle with being a people-pleaser? Do you value others’ opinions so highly that it affects your actions and decisions more than it should? I certainly do! There’s nothing wrong with looking for input so that you can serve others more effectively. However, it can cross the line and become unhealthy.
Why do we struggle with wanting so badly to please others? It’s not only a modern problem. The Apostle Paul talks about not pleasing men, but God (1 Thessalonians 2:4) and serving God, not people (Ephesians 6:7). You and I aren’t the first ones to struggle with it.
As I’ve wrestled with this issue myself, I’ve asked myself why it is such a struggle. WHY do I care so much about what others think? Do I believe that their approval and validation is important? Obviously I do, if I try so hard to please them. But WHY is it important? What happens if they don’t approve of what I do? They’ll be disappointed in me? They won’t like me? They’ll think I’m doing a bad job? What if what they say about me isn’t true? What if they think I’m doing a bad job, but I’m really not? And who decides what a “bad job” is and what isn’t?
Ah…. Pause there in my ramblings. That’s the crux of the issue, isn’t it? Who decides the value of my work? Is it people? Or God?
It’s so much easier to get peoples’ opinions. They’re usually right in my face! I can send out a Google form and boom! Lots of opinions about whether people like what I’m doing or not.
It takes more work to learn what God says about me - how He values the decisions I make and the quality of the life I’m living. It also requires a certain inner confidence in our own evaluation of ourselves.
How do we evaluate our own decisions and the way we live life? Against God’s Word. Which necessitates that we be familiar with what God’s Word says.
We won’t find answers to whether we’re skilled at data entry or whether we should have canceled an event or how we should have communicated a difficult message to someone. However, the Bible gives us many principles that we can apply in evaluating those decisions. Is our work orderly and done conscientiously? Do we make decisions on behalf of others with their best interests in mind? Did we communicate with love and graciousness, not out of anger or spite? We need to measure ourselves against God’s Word, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and use that as our basis of self-evaluation. Easier said than done, I know. Which is why we tend to evaluate ourselves based on others’ opinions. It’s easier.
Do you struggle with being a people-pleaser? What is at the root of that struggle? What steps can you take to evaluate yourself based on God’s Word, rather than based on what others think?
The idea that others’ opinions determine the value of what we do and who we are is a common lie at the root of many of our struggles. If you’d like a framework for uncovering these lies, replacing them with truth from God’s Word, and growing in your faith, take a look here.
Comment below with anything that has helped you overcome people-pleasing.