Uncover the Lies that are Making You Stuck
Over the past several weeks we have been working through the BUILD method of using journaling and spiritual disciplines to understand why get get stuck in our walks with Jesus and how to get unstuck. If you’d like an overview of the entire method, you can download it here.
So far, we’ve spent some time alone in quiet reflection, paying attention to what is and isn’t working in our lives. As I said before, this doesn’t need to be a week-long solo backpacking trip in the woods in order to effective. Spending a little time each night before bed or setting aside some time once a week to pay attention to how our lives are going and where we’re struggling can go a long way in helping us grow.
We’ve spent time in prayer and asked the Holy Spirit to show us what He wants to bring into the light for us to work through. We have an area of struggle and have started journaling about it, asking some “why” and “what” questions.
What’s next?
How do we identify what is below the surface, causing the chronic issues we’re having? Here’s some more direction on how to play detective in your own life.
1. What exactly is the issue? Be as specific as you can. Be curious about yourself. What do you do or say? What are you feeling? Thinking?
2. Are there particular circumstances leading up to it or surrounding it? Specific people? People in particular roles?
3. Work your way backwards - from actions to emotions to thoughts to beliefs.
Here’s an example of what this could look like: I have struggled with feeling attacked as a person when I make a mistake or let someone else down. It’s more than just feeling sorry - it makes me extremely anxious and insecure. Since I’m human and make mistakes and fall short of others’ expectations at times, it can be a large source of stress and anxiety. I become anxious not only when I DO let someone down who is important to me, but also the fear of making a mistake is paralyzing at times. I didn’t think this was a normal, healthy experience, so I wanted to explore it.
As I journaled and became curious about these feelings, I asked myself what core belief was at the root of it. I realized that I felt I had to perform in order to be loved by others. When I didn’t perform to their expectations, I feared that I was less worthy of their love.
I knew that wasn’t true, and I knew God’s love for me isn’t based on whether I measure up or not. However, what I thought I believed and what I actually lived out were two different things. I intellectually believed that I was loved unconditionally, but my life wasn’t reflecting that.
We’ll get into this next part in a few weeks, but when I investigated where this lie came from (the “I” in BUILD is “Investigate the source”), God showed me something interesting. In a sermon, my pastor mentioned that when parents show favoritism between their children, it can create a works-based understanding of love and acceptance. My parents definitely showed favoritism between my brother and I. What surprised me was that I was the favored one - shouldn’t that make me more secure? Nope. Whether you are the favorite or not, it communicates to both kids that love needs to be earned. If I didn’t keep being the “good kid”, I could lose my favored status.
Making that connection helped me to understand why I struggle with feeling so anxious when I make a mistake. Even though understanding doesn’t directly change anything, it helps me to be more compassionate with myself, rather than just feeling frustrated at my anxious responses.
How about you? Have you tried using this process to work your way back through your emotions and thoughts to find a lie at their source?
I would love to hear from you! I read all comments and respond to emails. Let me know if this makes sense or if you have questions. You can also continue the conversation on Instagram or Facebook.