Where do the lies we believe come from?

We are the original owners of our house and when we first bought it, we did not install a water softener. Being first time home owners, we didn’t realize the benefits of a water softener or the hazards of having hard water. Over time, our water-using appliances started failing. We didn’t understand why until we learned that hard water causes minerals to build up in things like dishwashers and washing machines, causing damage. We could fix or replace the appliances and understand that hard water caused the problem, but if we didn’t understand where the hard water came from or stop using it, we were just going to keep having the same problem.

So it is with issues in our lives. We can trace our anxious thoughts back to a lie about where our worth and value come from. We can then correct that lie and replace it with the truth that our value comes from God, not from what we do. But it can be helpful to understand where that lie came from. Why? Investigating the source can give us the opportunity to forgive someone who might have been responsible for it, or show us where there need to be healthy boundaries put up to prevent us from being constantly exposed to that lie.

It’s not always necessary to find the source of a lie, and sometimes the source is simply our own sin nature. But sometimes it originates with a person who told us something, or lived in such a way as to demonstrate that lie to us. Sometimes it’s someone who is still in our life, and in order for us to heal, we need to draw some boundaries with that person.

Where did the lie come from?

When you have uncovered a lie you believe about yourself, God, or others, ask God to show you where it came from. Was there someone in your childhood that explicitly told it to you? Or was it an example you watched that led you to that conclusion? Be curious and trace it backwards.

Sometimes this can take some time to uncover. For me, I knew that I dealt with the lie that my value comes from what I bring to the table and what I accomplish. When I tried to investigate where that came from, it took a while to figure out. My parents weren’t highly “successful”, driven people. It definitely wasn’t a message I heard explicitly. But when I heard a sermon about how parents showing favoritism between their children can cause a works-based mentality in the kids, it clicked.

I’m the older of two children. I have always been the “good”, compliant kid. I didn’t get in trouble much and I generally played by the rules. My younger brother was the opposite. My parents frequently compared us. They would ask my brother, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” I was held up as the better of the two kids - the example to be followed. So why would that cause me to think that my value was based on my worth? Because the system that I observed in my family was that the “good” kid got the favor and the “bad” kid did not. Love was conditional. If I didn’t REMAIN as the good kid, I would lose my favored status, just like my brother.

Choose forgiveness and compassion

Uncovering the source of the lie may take some time - that’s OK. Ask God to show you. The purpose isn’t to bash and blame the people in our lives that are responsible, but rather to gain understanding, perhaps compassion, and to extend forgiveness. I had to choose to forgive my parents for demonstrating that love was conditional. Being a parent myself has helped me to see how challenging it can be to raise children with vastly different temperaments. The distance has given me perspective. Gaining compassion and understanding has helped me to find healing.

Set boundaries

Another reason that understanding the source can be helpful is that it could be a situation where you’re continually be bombarded with the lie you’re struggling with, even into the present. You may have a toxic parent, friend, or sibling who is continuing to repeat that lie and drill it into your soul. Setting healthy boundaries might be needed in order to stop that lie from being reinforced in your life. You might need to communicate that there’s behavior you are unwilling to accept or conversations you’re unwilling to engage in.

For more info on setting boundaries, Henry Cloud’s book, Boundaries, is excellent.

Investigate the Source is the 3rd step in the BUILD method of renewing our minds in Christ. To get a free copy of the overview of the whole method, click here.

Have you investigated the sources of lies you believe? Where did they come from?