Where does our identity come from?

“Tell me about yourself…”

When we meet someone new and look to answer that question, we usually answer it with descriptions of our roles.

“I’m a Mom of three kids.”

“I’m an electrical engineer.”

“I’m a college student.”

“I’m a pastor.”

That has become the cultural norm - to identify ourselves based on our roles and jobs. We identify who we are based on what we do. I’m not suggesting that you change that the next time you’re at a party. However, if at our core, we find our identity in what we do, rather than who God says we are, we’re going to run into problems.

Why?

Roles change

Because our roles change. If my identity is in being a stay at home mom, homeschooling my kids, what happens when my kids graduate and leave the house? I’m left with an identity crisis and don’t know what to do with myself. Or if we lose our job and have to find work in a different field, or retire from the work world altogether, what does that do to our identity?

We make mistakes

Another reason that finding our identity in what we do causes problems is that we aren’t perfect. We’re going to make mistakes. We might be fired from our job, feel like a failure as a parent, or struggle with sin. What then? Those failures and sin struggles lead to insecurity, defensiveness, and fear, because they threaten our value as a human being. We desperately need to have value and worth as a person. When that is shaken, we don’t tend to handle it very well.

I have struggled with reacting defensively when I make a mistake. I would defend myself and insist that what I did wasn’t so bad, and there was a reason for it… It was one of those default reactions that would happen before I even realized it. I knew that I should just own my mistake and apologize for it, but I kept returning to being defensive.

After journaling about it, I realized that I became defensive because my mistakes made me feel like I had failed and that my worth and value as a person was in question. No one was making me feel that way - it was all coming from within. I had to take some time and renew my mind in Scripture and embed the truth into my heart that my worth and value come from God and who He says I am, not from what I do.

Which comes first - being or doing?

I was teaching from the book of Ephesians recently and was reminded again that the first half of the letter is all about WHO we are in Christ. Paul doesn’t get into what we are supposed to DO until chapter 4. What we DO needs to flow from WHO we are. We get it backwards when we allow what we DO to determine WHO we are.

Do you struggle with this? You may without realizing it. I never thought that my defensive reactions were an issue of my misplaced identity until I worked through the BUILD method myself. I looked at how I felt when I became defensive and what thoughts were simmering under the surface. I also heard a sermon where our pastor mentioned that if your parents showed favoritism between siblings, it can lead to the children adopting a works-based understanding of love, even if you were the “favorite”. That was definitely my own story! I was the “good kid” growing up and my younger brother was not. We were regularly compared to one another. So, since I saw love and acceptance as conditional on good behavior, it made sense that I would by default see my relationship with God and others the same way. When I made a mistake, it threatened my “good kid” status and therefore my value as a person. My response? Defend myself when I mess up so I can still feel valuable.

You might struggle with finding your identity in what you do if you respond defensively when corrected. Do you struggle with insecurity? People pleasing? Anxiety? Fear?

Those could all have their root in a misplaced sense of identity.

So where DO we find our identity? In Christ. Some of my favorite verses to memorize, study, and meditate on when I’m struggling with this:

Psalm 139

Ephesians 1:3-14

Ephesians 2:1-10

If any of those reactions and struggles sound familiar, I encourage you to work through why you feel the way you and uncover if there’s a lie beneath the surface that relates to your identity. You can find the BUILD method here.