Unconventional Spiritual Disciplines
Usually, when we talk about spiritual disciplines (or spiritual practices - since they require practice) we are talking about things like prayer, Bible study, Bible verse memory, silence, and solitude. Those are all important aspects of growing in our walks with God and great things to incorporate into the rhythm of our days.
In this season of my life, however, I’ve decided to work on a somewhat unconventional spiritual discipline that you won’t find on any list. Even so, it’s no less meaningful or important for my own walk with Jesus and my journey to become more like Him. Ready for it? Here it is:
It’s the practice of not solving other peoples’ problems that they haven’t asked me to solve.
Are you scratching your head? Maybe. Or you’re chuckling because you realize that you could also benefit from such a practice.
For me, parenting young adults is one of the arenas that contributes to needing this practice. Mostly, the challenge I come across with my two young adult college students involves my need to keep my mouth shut when I’m tempted to remind, nag, ask too many questions, or butt in. My young adults need to learn to be adults without their mother taking care of all the things in their lives or acting as their constant reminder system to do the important “adulting” things.
I know that a lot of parents of young adults struggle with the same things, but some of my issue with this comes from my background growing up in a dysfunctional family. I learned as a child to be the fixer of things, and that being helpful and useful eased some of the tension in the house. My parents never told me to butt out when I told them how to raise my younger brother. I never learned that there were certain things I was responsible for and others that I simply wasn’t. I never learned to trust the people in charge in my life to take care of things that were theirs to take care of.
I run into this issue in more than just parenting. I’m in charge of both our homeschool co-op (which consists of classes for kids from nursery through high school on Friday mornings) and my church’s women’s ministry. There are ample opportunities to jump in and fill all the holes, fix all the problems, and answer all the questions. I do it even when I’m not asked - simply because I can.
Is it wrong to be helpful and useful? Isn’t that a good thing? Maybe - but only to a point.
First of all, helping doesn’t always help in the long term. All of this is really about having healthy boundaries. If you’re interested in that topic, you can read my earlier post on that here. If I always help my young adult kids remember to get their oil changed or pay their bills, they will never learn how to remember it on their own. My butting in doesn’t show them that I trust them, and it doesn’t encourage them to have confidence in their own abilities to handle adult life. So, is my “help” really helping them in the long run? It might help solve a short term problem but encourage a longer term one. Besides, if they haven’t even asked me to help them, why am I getting involved?
Two of the Bible verses I look at in regard to this topic are Galatians 6:2 and 5. In verse 2, we are reminded to “carry each others’ burdens”. To me, burdens are the crises, the extra struggles and challenges in life that we should be helping each other carry. Verse 5 says, “For each one should carry their own load”. We are each to carry our own normal, daily responsibilities in life. That means my kids carry theirs and I carry mine.
The concept goes beyond parenting. In my homeschool co-op, I could step in and try to fill every hole in every class whenever someone is out sick, but that would quickly burn me out. It also robs others of the opportunity to help out. My people-pleaser tendencies come to the surface in those situations and I want to be the one to fix everything, but it isn’t healthy or reasonable. It will also communicate to others that “Amy will just fix it” so they don’t need to pitch in. Also, when it comes time for me to step down and ask someone else to lead, they’ll be really hesitant! “No way! I see all that you do and I’m not interested!” Since I won’t be in these roles forever, it’s important for me to create a leadership model that is realistically replicable.
What does it look like to practice this unconventional discipline?
Pause. Before jumping to fill a need or speaking up to remind a young adult about something they should be doing, it’s important to pause. Wait. Don’t speak right away.
Ask yourself some questions. Is the help I’m wanting to offer actually helpful in the long run, or is it going to prevent someone else from learning responsibility? Would my intervention be infringing on what someone else should be responsible for? Have they even asked me for help? Especially with my young adults, I feel like if they ask for my help, they are at least acknowledging the need and taking steps to be responsible. “No” may still be the better answer, though, if they need to grow in responsibility and figure out their own reminder system. Or, perhaps they haven’t asked for my help because they have it all under control and don’t want or need my reminders!
Check your motives. Is my desire to help motivated by love for the person I’m helping, or a desire to be the fixer of things? Is my helping them in their best interests or in mine? I will sometimes put myself in a difficult or unwanted situation just because I want the problem fixed, rather than out of love for the other person or consideration of my own needs.
Pray. Has God asked me to take care of this need?
How about you? Do you struggle with wanting to fix everyone’s problems and solve all the issues when no one has even asked you to? Can you see how choosing to either let them ask you for help, or holding off and letting others step in might be a healthy spiritual discipline?
I would love to hear about any “unconventional” spiritual disciplines you might have that help you grow in your faith and be more like Jesus.