You’re Not Invisible
Do you feel invisible, as if you hesitate to take up space - physically, emotionally, or financially?
A friend posted recently about how making appointments for herself is difficult as an adult. Can you relate? I found myself shouting “Amen!” to her post. It’s not logistically hard - it’s a phone call and putting a date on the calendar. It’s a different kind of hard that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I think I hesitate to prioritize caring for myself. It’s funny how helpful it is to have someone put words to your experiences!
For example, I have grown so frustrated with my aging eyesight that I finally made an eye appointment after Christmas and will take the dive into bifocals, but there was a lot of procrastinating before doing that. I might not like them. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to adjust. It would be a waste. I also put off making decisions about all the other fun doctor appointments and even getting a haircut!
Why?
If you struggle with this, too, there could be many reasons. Maybe the doctor appointments cause us to fear they’ll find something wrong, or we just don’t look forward to the unpleasant tests and screenings.
Could there be another reason? Maybe there’s something deeper going on.
Some of us are uncomfortable taking up space.
It’s not so much about taking up space physically, but emotionally and financially. We’d much rather make everyone else happy than express our own desires and needs. We’d rather not use the family budget to get the checkup, buy the glasses, or ask for the gift. It feels much easier and less risky to fade into the background and see that everyone else is cared for.
We’d rather…
Be the flexible one.
Avoid rocking the boat.
Bury our wishes, desires, and dreams.
Sometimes it’s easier for us to serve everyone else while completely denying that we have needs and wants ourselves.
Do we fear being selfish? I’m pretty sure that when Jesus said to “deny ourselves”, He wasn’t talking about avoiding going to the eye doctor when we needed bifocals.
Going to the other extreme isn’t helpful, either. There is a time and place to set ourselves aside and serve others. However, when that is our regular mode of operation to the denial of our own needs, it’s not healthy. We also have to ask ourselves if our motivation is truly just to serve others or if we fear putting our own needs and wants out there. Maybe we’re hiding behind helping others.
As with many of our hangups and baggage, it’s helpful to look below the surface of our presenting problem, and figure out what’s really happening inside. Is there a lie we’ve believed about God, ourselves, or others that is at the root of our issue?
I’ve read that if we grew up with a sibling who was particularly “high maintenance”, either due to extenuating health concerns or for other reasons, the other siblings can feel that their needs are less important and they would rather fade into the background and not cause any additional problems. That was definitely the case in my own life. My younger brother had a lot of behavioral issues that honestly, my parents had no idea how to deal with. I learned to manage myself and not bother them any more than necessary.
The lie is that I should be invisible. Not take up space. My needs and wants don’t matter.
The truth?
God sees. He knows. You are valuable. You have permission to take up space: physical, emotional, and financial. You matter. Step out of the background and into who God has designed you as a human.
Psalm 139 says that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”. (vs 14)
Isaiah 43:1 tells us He has redeemed us, and He has “called you by name; you are mine”.
Jesus says in Matthew 10:30 that “the very hairs of your head are numbered.”
If you struggle in this area, here are some next steps forward:
Talk about it. If these thoughts and ideas stay in our heads, we’ll keep on believing them. When we talk about them with those close to us, it makes it much easier to clarify whether those thoughts are from God or not. It can feel awkward at first, but it’s so freeing!
Explore where those ideas came from. Perhaps something in your childhood made you feel that you needed to fade into the background. Acknowledge that. Ask God for discernment if there is anyone you need to forgive. Sometimes these situations are just part of growing up in a broken world, rather than anything that anyone did wrong.
Replace the lies with truth from God’s Word. I like meditating on Psalm 139 or the other verses mentioned above when I struggle in this area. It reminds me that I am seen, cherished, and valued by God.
This Christmas, may you give yourself the gift of being honest with yourself and others. Step out from the background and into who God has made you to be, complete with your needs, desires, and dreams.
In what ways do you struggle with feeling invisible?