How can parenting show us our blind spots?
No, I don’t generally write about parenting and I don’t plan to do so on a regular basis. However, I am finding that parenting and in general, our interactions with kids, can be great pointers to whether we’ve dealt with our own “stuff” from our past.
Parenting is scary and nerve wracking at times. It challenges us because there really isn’t a manual. Each child is different and each season is different and it all keeps us on our toes.
I’ve heard parents say so many times that they are actively trying to parent differently from how they were parented. Other times it isn’t a conscious choice - they do it without realizing it.
Depending on your family of origin, that may be a very wise decision! But do we sometimes go too far in the opposite direction? Perhaps we grew up in an oppressive environment and want to make sure our kids have the freedom to express themselves. Great! Just don’t allow disrespect and lack of boundaries create chaos in your home.
I feel like sometimes how we were parented haunts us. It’s always dangling in back of our minds, speaking into our decisions. We are so fearful of repeating the mistakes (or perceived mistakes) of our parents that it sometimes causes us to make decidedly poor decisions. If we want to do things differently, it should be an intentional, thought out, prayed through decision, not a knee jerk reaction to our childhood that we really haven’t dealt with thoroughly.
How do we process the way that we were parented, take the good, reject the bad, and then apply God’s Word to our current situation - intentionally and prayerfully?
The BUILD method of journaling and spiritual disciplines is a great option.
First, take some time to reflect on your own childhood and how you were parented.
What was good? What positive things will you intentionally take away from how you were raised?
What wasn’t good? And why wasn’t it good? The challenge here is to be objective and look at it through the eyes of an adult, not the child that you were. I remember being a teen and getting frustrated when I would bark at my mom about how she was managing my brother (or not managing him) and she would tell me to watch my tone of voice. At the time, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions and that she was being unreasonable. Now as an adult, I understand that while she may have been a little overly sensitive (that showed up in other areas), it is reasonable to ask a teen to speak respectfully to her mother and restrain those emotions.
You may find it helpful to process these things with your siblings if you have them. They likely have a different perspective on things.
Were there lies that you learned about parenting? My father used to say that he believed that if he was too restrictive with my brother, that he would leave and never come back. (Side note: My brother was in trouble with the law on multiple occasions and died young in a drunk motorcycle accident. He was the drunk on the motorcycle. My father wasn’t nearly restrictive enough.) What did you learn about parenting that doesn’t line up with God’s Word?
Shortly after I met my now husband, I went with him to the midweek children’s program at his church. He was the game leader for the K-3rd graders. I stood by and watched as about 30 little kids came in for game time. He shouted “line up!” like a drill sergeant and they all silently and obediently lined up against one wall. My eyes grew wide as he proceeded to play games with them that were a mix of silliness and strict rules. They seemed to have fun and it was very orderly, but I was shocked at how firm he was with them.
Then, at the end of the evening, once the kids were dismissed, they ran over to him and started climbing all over him like his was a human jungle gym! They obviously had no fear of him despite his drill sergeant demeanor, but rather they adored him! I realized at that moment that I had believed the lie that kids won’t love you if you put boundaries on them. I also learned that rules don’t mean a lack of fun. The kids actually had more fun because they weren’t allowed to run wild, but rather had to play the game the way it was supposed to be played, according to the rules.
Once you’ve evaluated the good, the bad, and the ugly, look at what the Bible say about parenting. When I’m looking for a model, I look to how God cares for us as our perfect Heavenly Father. He loves us passionately, and yet disciplines and corrects us when needed. There are consequences for our actions, yet He forgives and restores us when we repent. We can approach Him with boldness and confidence, yet the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10).
The Bible also talks about how we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7-9). There are consequences for our decisions, both good and bad. Do we allow our kids to experience those consequences so they gain wisdom and understanding? It can be challenging to allow our kids to experience negative consequences, but without that, their growth both as Christians and as productive members of society will be hindered.
Are there areas where your parenting needs to change? Are there ways you can be more purposeful about what you take away from your own experience growing up?
I read a great book on this topic many years ago and I highly recommend it: Building the Christian Family You Never Had by Mary DeMuth. Especially if you didn’t grow up in a Christian household yourself, this is a great read.
In ways has the way you were parented affected how you parent your own children or interact with other peoples’ children?