Boundaries and Teens - Helping Teens Become Adults
Older teens, say ages 16-18, are getting close to becoming adults and being on their own. They’re taking on more and more responsibility (hopefully) and moving toward independence. But it’s not a clean, clear process. Sometimes they seem very independent and trustworthy and other times you stare at them and shake your head, wondering what they’re thinking. How do we help them grow into independent adults?
As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that this is a far bigger topic than one small blog post can cover. However, here are some things that have helped me as I walk through the process with my older 2 children (ages 16 and almost 18).
From the perspective of boundaries, we’re taking aspects of their lives that have always been in our yard and moving them into their yard. We take not only the physical, tangible aspects of their lives, but also the emotional ownership as well. We used to pick out their clothes for them, do their laundry, manage their schedules, and make sure they brushed their teeth every morning. When they were younger, we managed their lives and their futures for them, but now they need to manage all that on their own.
I like the analogy of belaying down a cliff. The teen is holding on to the rope getting ready to be lowered down the cliff face to get to the bottom. The parents are holding the rope at the top, gradually letting it out so their teen can make it to the bottom. At times, the teen would prefer that we just let go and let him speed down to the bottom. At other times, he’d rather that we pull him back up to the top and not go down at all.
Our job as parents is to control how fast the rope is let out. Sometimes that means letting it out more slowly than the teen would prefer and sometimes it means to go faster than he’d prefer. The process needs to keep moving so they get to the bottom - independence and adulthood.
Which Responsibilities Does Your Teen Already Own?
How do we do this? Take a step back and look at what you currently take responsibility for in the life of your older teen. Which of those things will he need to be responsible for when he’s living on his own?
Do you…
Wake him up in the morning?
Do his laundry?
Keep track of his schedule?
Manage his finances?
Remind him of school responsibilities?
Remind him about personal hygiene?
How about on an emotional level?
Are you more concerned about his future life track than he is?
Do you take ownership and responsibility for his choices of career?
All those things need to end up squarely in his yard when he is living independently. But it is a process and doesn’t have to happen all at once. Kids this age are still kids. They’re trying to figure it all out. But we can help move them in the right direction.
We learn through consequences. If I do this and the consequences are good, then I keep doing it. When I make a different choice, the consequences are negative, so I stop doing that. One of the keys to having healthy boundaries is to allow others to feel the consequences of their decisions. This is especially true of teens. The problem is that some of those consequences can be pretty high and some of them impact us as parents.
Move the low risk things into their yard
It helps me to think of responsibilities as either high risk or low risk. Laundry is fairly low risk. I can hand that over to my teen and if he doesn’t do it, the consequences are pretty low. Also, the consequences are on him, which is key. He suffers with dirty clothes if he doesn’t get his laundry done. It becomes fairly self-regulating.
Food is also pretty low risk, to a point. We’ve tried to instill good eating habits in our kids from the start, so they generally eat healthy. I don’t regulate their breakfast and lunch or snacks by this age. If it were to get too far out of control (ice cream for breakfast?) I would definitely step in though! But if they don’t eat well, they’re not going to feel well, so that is fairly self-regulating also.
Their schedule, to a large extent, is fairly low risk. We homeschool, so my oldest now chooses when he does which subject. As long as it all gets done, it’s up to him. He has a business mowing lawns and doing landscaping. He manages all that schedule on his own. If he lets down a customer, he has to deal with that. The consequences are on him.
What are some low risk things that you can move into your teen’s yard and out of yours?
Move high risk responsibilities gradually while coaching
Other things are much more high risk if the ball is dropped. Applying for college before the due date, big financial decisions, waking up in time to take an important test, being diligent about scholarship applications and deadlines… These things affect not only the teen but the parents and their finances as well. They’re also much bigger issues with higher consequences.
Every parent is different and every child is different. Maybe if there’s been a track record of not taking responsibility, you might want to let your child feel some big consequences and take a hit yourself in order to teach a lesson. It depends on the situation. For me, my oldest is generally responsible but some things he just doesn’t realize what could go wrong or he doesn’t have the experience to totally handle the situation without any guidance.
In those cases, I try to coach and guide but be as hands off as possible. I’ve talked to my kids about different types of planners and ways of tracking important appointments and deadlines so they have the tools. But it becomes up to them to use them. I might go as far as asking, “So what’s your plan for remembering these deadlines?”
One thing I’ve also done is to make note of the deadline or whatever it is, but then step back and let him manage it to see how it goes. But I still know when the appointment is just in case. Isn’t that stopping him from feeling the consequences? Maybe… But usually, he ends up coming through just fine. Me being backup is more about my own peace of mind than anything else. If he is about to miss the deadline, I might instill other consequences instead.
Let’s say there’s a big college scholarship application due on a certain day. If he fails to remember to fill it out, it impacts my own finances in paying for his college. I could wait to remind him until just a couple days before the deadline, forcing him to cram all the work into one weekend and cancel any fun plans he might have had. That way he’s feeling the consequences of waiting until the last minute, but the application is still getting done.
As they master one area, move on to another
I find that when there’s something new, I need to be more involved. But then as he gets the hang of the new responsibility, I can back off and let him take care of it. My son’s senior year of high school he took a college English course online. I was very involved at the beginning, making sure he understood the deadlines and how the course worked. I wanted to make sure his work was good since this would end up on his college transcript.
After a little while, he got the hang of it and I became more comfortable that he had it all under control. I let him take care of it and only got involved when he had questions.
When he first started his lawn mowing business, I was very involved. I made sure he documented who paid him when and what jobs had to be done. As time went on, I backed off more and more. At one point, he came to me because a customer thought he had already paid my son for a job but my son didn’t think he had. He hadn’t documented when he had been paid so he had no proof that he was right. I told him he needed to give the customer the benefit of the doubt since he hadn’t written it down. That was a low risk (on my part) consequence for not being diligent. And it only cost my son $20, but it taught the lesson.
As a parent, it’s both scary and freeing to hand off responsibility to our teens. It’s rewarding to see them becoming adults. Sometimes it takes courage on our part to let them make their own choices and at times make their own mistakes. But that’s how we learn and grow.