Relational Conflict as a Clue to Needed Change

As we are on the road to growing in our faith and in the process, becoming more of a whole, healthy person, there are certain things that are clues that point us to where change needs to happen. As we spend time in reflection, the first step in the BUILD method of renewing your mind, one of the clues we can look for is relational strife and conflict.

Conflict is a normal, expected part of life. We’re all sinful humans trying to live and work in community with one another. That WILL create conflict. Conflict also isn’t always a bad thing. Many times conflict is a path to greater understanding and appreciation for one another. Just as “iron sharpening iron” (Proverbs 27:17) creates some sparks, our working through our differences with others is bound to get a little messy at times.

So conflict by itself isn’t necessarily a clue that there’s a deeper spiritual problem that needs addressing. However, if we keep seeing the same type of conflict in our lives with the same people or under the same circumstances, that could suggest that something warrants our Holy Spirit-led investigation.

Do you consistently argue with your spouse over money or parenting? Do your friendships frequently end abruptly? Do you consistently have trouble submitting to your boss at work? Does your spouse complain about your defensiveness a lot?

Take a look at the type of conflict that bothers you the most. Ask God for wisdom. Journal about what seems to happen a lot. Look for similar situations or surrounding circumstances. With an attitude of humility, ask yourself what role you play in those conflicts.

Many of us have a strong sense of self-defense and protection. It’s much more comfortable to blame others rather than look inside and see how we have contributed to the problem. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3, NIV) Humility is the path to wholeness and spiritual growth.

Here are some common things that can cause conflict in relationships:

1. Our response to criticism. Friction will happen in our relationships. We will be criticized at some point in time, whether by a spouse, coworker, or friend. How we respond to that can either help us grow and strengthen the relationship, or it can drive a wedge instead.

Is your response one of defensiveness? Justifying yourself? Arguing with the other person that they are incorrect in their criticism? They might be incorrect, but are you willing to respond in humility and consider whether the other person is right?

When we have trouble accepting criticism graciously and humbly, it may be that there’s a lie about our worth buried in our hearts that needs addressing.

2. Boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means that we take responsibility for what we should be taking responsibility for. It also means that we don’t take responsibility for things that we shouldn’t be taking responsibility for.

We DO need to own our own decisions, emotions, actions, and words. But we need to let others own their decisions, emotions, actions, and words.

When we don’t own the things that are ours to own, we frequently end up blaming others and seeing ourselves as a helpless victim in a situation. That creates conflict when the other person confronts us about that situation. For example, if you frequently “drop the ball” at home or at work but blame it on your circumstances or other people, it can leave others feeling very frustrated and cause conflict. That victim mentality may be a lie that we learned growing up that needs to be replaced with truth from God’s Word.

When our boundary problems go the other direction - we take responsibility for what belongs to others - it frequently looks like people-pleasing and enabling of others. If we take ownership over others’ emotions, it can lead us to do whatever we think is necessary to make the other person happy. Or if we don’t let them own their decisions, we might bail them out and enable their poor behavior.

3. Our reaction to conflict in general. When I was growing up and my parents would argue, my mother would escape to her bedroom and close the door rather than work through the problem with my father. My father would then stand by the fireplace with his magazine and go back to reading. From that, I learned that running away from conflict was one way to handle it.

Maybe you’ve learned to fight rather than to run away when there’s conflict. Neither option is a healthy, Godly way of handling conflict.

Which do you struggle most with? Responding to criticism, unhealthy boundaries, or responding to conflict in general? In what ways might that be a clue to a deeper issue?