Relationships During the Pandemic

We all need a communal hug. For real. I don’t mean that in some weird, Facebook-attention-seeking way. As life has changed radically for us over the past several months, one of the fallouts has been relationships. And were suffering for it big time. 

I’m amazed at how quickly different things have become “normal”. Have you watched a movie or TV show recently and thought, “Wow, those people are so close together! Shouldn’t they be concerned?” “Look at that crowd of people who aren’t social distancing at all!” “I think I remember what it’s like to go to a store without wearing masks or watching for little circles on the floor to stand on…” 

In just a few months, we’ve trained ourselves to keep physical distance from others, use enough hand sanitizer to clean every port-o-potty in the state, and add “Do you have your face mask?” to the list of things we ask our kids before they walk out the door. 

I’m sure in the years to come there will be many studies about what the pandemic did to our society on multiple levels, but no one needs to explain the effect it’s had on our relationships with each other.

Quarantines forced us to stay home completely, separating us from everyone but the people we live with. Even after the initial quarantines were lifted, those who are more vulnerable have continued to isolate themselves from everyone in order to stay safe. 

Those who are more comfortable going out are still confronted with 6 foot social distancing rules, fewer people allowed to gather together, and required masks even when we do get together outside of our own homes. Masks make it difficult to talk and be heard and understood. We can also feel awkward wearing one, which inhibits our communication. Not to mention that the inability to see the bottom half of a person’s face can keep us from understanding their body language fully. Sometimes we just need to see the person’s smile!

Studies have shown that loneliness and isolation even have physical consequences, from poor sleep to high blood pressure. Our collective mental health has gone downhill as well. Suicides, drug and alcohol abuse and domestic violence have all risen during the pandemic.

The Bible further reinforces that we need each other. God said of Adam in the garden of Eden that “it’s not good for man to be alone”. (Genesis 2:18). The environment was perfect - there was no sin and everything was just as God had designed it to be. Except that Adam needed a companion - a need that neither a hippo or a parrot could meet.

In Hebrews 10:24-25, the author tells Christians to “consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

We clearly need to be together in community with other humans. Bad things happen when we’re not. But here we are dealing with this virus and all the government and social rules that go along with it. What do we do?

One trend I’ve seen in my own life is that I avoid getting together in person to some degree, not necessarily just out of concern for the virus, but because it’s so dang inconvenient! If I’m not going to someone’s house, then we have to find a coffee shop or restaurant that’s actually open and allowing dine in, whoever I’m getting together with has to be comfortable doing that, and then we may have to wear a mask for all or part of the time… It’s just become so complicated! Half the time I’m already drained from having to go out and do the normal life things like grocery shopping and running errands with the added stress that those things include. Who wants to make time and energy to be social? Just stay home. It’s easier. 

But then we end up deeper in this hole of too little human connection. 

What’s the solution? Make the effort. Similar to my last post about needing to do the things we know are good and healthy whether we feel like them or not, relationships are one of those things. We desperately need real, in person human connection, regardless of how much effort it is. 

And guess what - social media doesn’t count. Even before Covid, our society had been making an alarming trend away from in person communication to things like texts and social media as the main means of relating to each other. The younger generation was already spending tons of time on their phones and prefered virtual communication to face to face communication, according to a Time magazine article from 2018. 

Well, we’ve now launched most of the rest of society into that same problem. 

Here’s the issue with social media and texting as our primary form of communication: 93% of our communication with other humans is non verbal. Has nothing to do with words. It’s our facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. When we’re only typing words, we’re only getting 7% of the interaction! And yet because it’s quick and easy and doesn’t require much effort, that’s what we rely on and then wonder why we feel so lonely and depressed. 

One way to think about communication is in levels. Social media and texting is the lowest level. A phone call is better because you can at least hear the person’s tone of voice. A video call is even better because you also see the person (their face at least). In person is the best, especially without masks, because you can see the whole person and get all that non verbal communication. 

Everyone is in a different place with the virus for a multitude of reasons. I get it. My pastor has described it as red, yellow and green people. Red people are very concerned about the virus, either because they are in an at risk group or they live with or care for someone who is. Yellows are concerned, but not as much and greens are the least concerned. 

If you or any of your friends are in the red category, you simply may have to stick to video calls if they’re not comfortable meeting in person. Or maybe they’d be comfortable meeting outside with or without masks and staying at least 6 feet apart. It can feel awkward, but it will make things much easier if we simply ask others what they’re comfortable with and then are sensitive and respectful of their decisions. 

Regardless of the situation, we need to try for the highest level of communication and connection that all parties are comfortable with. Don’t settle for social media and texts. It won’t work.

By the way, this relationship thing goes both ways. At least if it’s a healthy one! Not only is a coffee date a way to meet your own relational needs, but it’s a great way to reach out to others. We have hope in Christ and others need it! What a unique time to share our faith! 

But there’s problems with that, too.

You know how when you’re on an airplane and the stewardess gives you all the safety instructions that no one listens to? Well, one part of their lecture includes that if there’s a drop in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling and you are supposed to put your own mask on first before helping others put theirs on. As it relates to our lives right now, most of us are too busy fumbling with our own oxygen masks to even think about helping out anyone else. I don’t blame you! Most days that’s where I live, too. You want me to reach out to others? Maybe even share my faith with them? I can’t even get my own life figured out! I’m suffocating - I can’t help anyone else with their oxygen mask until I find my own. We would just suffocate together!

What do we do about that? Just look out for our own needs and not worry about anyone else? Nope. Wrong answer. Actually, helping others also helps us at the same time.

First, reaching out to others and sharing our faith is all about relationships. In a relationship, you don’t have to have everything figured out perfectly. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just need to be a fellow traveler who is also trying to figure this whole thing out. 

Second, as we tell others about how they can have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ, we are reminding ourselves of what is true at the same time. By telling them, we’re also telling ourselves. When we remind others that there’s more to life than surviving virtual schooling and mask mandates, we’re reminding ourselves of that also. When we share our hope in Christ that even if we were to die of the virus or something else, we know that we will be in heaven, we’re reminding ourselves of that truth as well. 

So don’t tell the airline attendant, but you can put on your own oxygen mask while helping your neighbors put on theirs. 

If you’re wanting to learn more about how to share your faith, you can check out this blog post. Here are some practical ways to reach out to others. And if you’re concerned about answering other people’s questions, check out this post. 

For other ideas on how to survive this wacky time, check out my Pandemic Survival Guide: 10 Tips for Emotional and Spiritual Sanity.  (If you’ve previously signed up for my email list, this download will be included in my September newsletter coming out soon.)

Have your relationships suffered during the pandemic? How have you tried to remedy that?