Three Things to Consider When Setting Boundaries with Family
Thanksgiving and Christmas are times to get together with extended family, right? Go to Grandma’s house for turkey and again for Christmas Eve…
In the Instagram posts, it’s all magical and wonderful. But is that actually your experience? I mean, is that anyone’s experience 100% of the time?
Family is messy. There are expectations, relationships aren’t always great, and we’ll all broken humans who aren't always good at communicating effectively and kindly what we need and want.
All that sets us up for some interesting times around the Thanksgiving and Christmas tables (and leading up to them!).
The healthier your boundaries, the more peaceful of a time you’ll have. I’m not saying that everyone will get along perfectly or that no one will be disappointed, but it will help you to not grow resentful and bitter. And that’s always a good thing!
Having healthy boundaries is a complex topic, but here are some things to think through - and journal about!
1. Own your own feelings and preferences.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that you impose those feelings and preferences on everyone around you, but at least take responsibility for them. Acknowledge them. Share them kindly when appropriate.
2. Don’t own everyone else’s feelings and preferences.
The holidays offer lots of opportunities to disappoint our extended family. Maybe your spouse and kids choose to spend the holidays differently and the in-laws or grandparents feel left out and rejected. We should be kind and considerate, but let others take responsibility for their own emotions.
3. Work through when it’s the right time to say ‘no” versus the right time to compromise.
It’s easy to use the idea of boundaries as an excuse to be calloused or rude and just get our own way. That’s not the goal. Sometimes the right thing to do is to say, “Yes, I’d prefer to celebrate this holiday this way, but I’m going to choose to put my preference aside and do it your way.” The point is that you’re acknowledging your preferences but then making a choice. Other times, the right choice is to say, “No, it’s best for our family to celebrate differently this year. I understand if that disappoints you, but I need to do what’s best for my family.”
Where it gets messy is when we really don’t want to do something and yet we do it anyway because we feel bad for those it will disappoint or hurt, or we feel guilted into the decision. That leads to bitterness and resentment, not to healthy relationships.
We sometimes think that Jesus expects us to do whatever others want us to. We think that’s what it means to love each other. That’s not the example we see in Jesus. He knew His mission and He carried it out even when others wanted Him to stick around and heal more people or teach a certain way. He did what He set out to do, even when others didn’t like it.
The same concepts apply when we’re around extended family members who don’t treat us the way we’d like or don’t behave in a way we appreciate or are comfortable with. The critical aunt or the drunk brother in law. The overly flirtatious friend of the family. The uncle who curses around your young children on a regular basis.
You can’t change what others do (or don’t do) but you can decide what you’re willing to put up with. You can tell the critical aunt, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I don’t agree.” And walk away. You get to choose which conversation you’re part of, how long you stay at the party, and who you engage with and how. When you realize the ball is in your court and you’re not a victim of others, it paves the way for healthy relationships and inner peace.
What do you find most challenging in setting boundaries with extended family?
