Why is it so Hard to Say ‘No’?

Last week we talked about saying ‘no’ to carrying the normal, everyday loads of others. For some of us, saying ‘no’ can be so difficult! Let’s take a look at some reason why it can be so hard.

We think it’s our Christian duty to do whatever anyone asks us to do. 

Christians are “nice” people, right? We’re helpful and kind and generous. So, that must mean that whenever someone says they need help, we should help them. Isn’t that what Jesus would do? 

Not necessarily. There were plenty of times that Jesus walked away from people who still needed help and healing. He didn’t stick around and heal every last person he came across. In Matthew 8:18, He saw the crowd gathering (He had just healed Peter’s mother in law), probably because there were more people who wanted and needed to be healed. But He didn’t stick around - he took off for the other side of the lake! 

Jesus knew His mission and stuck to it. We would do well to do the same. Think about it this way: God has called you to do certain things in life, right? Raise your kids, serve your spouse, serve at church… Can you do everything that everyone asks of you? Do you have enough time to even help out at church in every area where it’s needed? No way. You can’t work in the nursery and play on the worship team and teach Sunday School and be a greeter. It’s impossible. You can’t be two places at once and there are only so many hours in the day.

So, if you can’t do everything, you have to say ‘no’ to certain things so you can say yes to what God has called you to. Jesus could have spent decades going around and physically healing everyone He came across, but that wasn’t His mission. He healed some, but He came to show us who He was and to die on the cross for our sin. There were many people He say ‘no’ to.

We need to figure out what God has called us to do and say ‘no’ to the things that don’t fall in line with that. If you’re a wife and mother, you’re called to raise your kids and serve your hubby. If serving in church or in the community gets in the way of serving your family, you’re trying to do too much. You need to say no in order to do what God has called you to do. 

We own other peoples’ emotions and feel responsible if they don’t like our ‘no’.

You told your mother that you would be spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws this year because they live closer and it’s the better option with a new baby. You say it nicely but she still gives you the guilt trip about and you feel terrible. She even conjures up some sniffles and tears to try and get you to change your mind.

Yes, you should be kind and fair to your mother, but her emotions and reactions are in her yard, not yours. If you make decisions based on her emotions, you’ll end up frustrated and bitter. 

I used to help out in our church nursery. I did it with my teen daughter for a while, and it was fine, but it honestly wasn’t my favorite thing. What I really wanted to do was to stretch myself a bit and work at “Starting Point”, our church’s information booth. I wanted the challenge of being more outgoing and meeting new people and answering their questions and making them feel welcome. 

When my daughter joined the worship team and could no longer do the nursery either, I told them I wouldn’t be working there any more. I felt bad since I was needed there and didn’t want to let them down, but I really felt like Starting Point was a better place for me. I had to make a decision based on where I believed God was leading me, not based on whether I would disappoint someone else. 

We want to be so busy that we don’t have time to think and reflect. 

Sometimes we run from quiet and calm because then we don’t have to deal with our own stuff. We weren’t designed to be as busy as we are. Sometimes I think we say yes to everything because we are afraid that if we have time to slow down and think, we will have to confront issues and messiness in our own lives. We need time alone to reflect and be intentional about who we are and what we’re doing.

We equate being busy in service to others with godliness and significance.

If I’m busy serving God and others, then my relationship with God must be good, right? In our society, we are so trained to believe that our worth is tied up in what we do or what we produce. As a result, sometimes we say yes to everything so we feel like we’re worthwhile and needed. We need to be needed by others because it makes us feel important. 

Serving God and others is good and admirable and if our faith doesn’t result in good works, then according to James 2:26, we need to examine ourselves to see if our faith is real. But, our worth does not come from our works. We are dearly loved by God - that’s where our worth comes from. 

We don’t respect ourselves and our time enough to say no.

I’m just going to leave that there…

We fear the repercussions of saying no - loss of relationship, loss of status…

If I don’t help my friend every time she needs me to pick up her kids from soccer practice, maybe she won’t like me anymore. Well, if she’s that petty and doesn’t respect you or your time, then perhaps it’s time for different friends. Or, if I say no to all the extra projects at work, maybe I won’t get the promotion. Is the promotion worth sacrificing your family and other important relationships? Not to mention your sanity?

How about you? Do you have trouble saying ‘no’? Why? What can you do this week to change that?