Unconventional Spiritual Disciplines

Usually, when we talk about spiritual disciplines (or spiritual practices - since they require practice) we are talking about things like prayer, Bible study, Bible verse memory, silence, and solitude. Those are all important aspects of growing in our walks with God and great things to incorporate into the rhythm of our days.

In this season of my life, however, I’ve decided to work on a somewhat unconventional spiritual discipline that you won’t find on any list. Even so, it’s no less meaningful or important for my own walk with Jesus and my journey to become more like Him. Ready for it? Here it is:

It’s the practice of not solving other peoples’ problems that they haven’t asked me to solve. 

Are you scratching your head? Maybe. Or you’re chuckling because you realize that you could also benefit from such a practice.

For me, parenting young adults is one of the arenas that contributes to needing this practice. Mostly, the challenge I come across with my two young adult college students involves my need to keep my mouth shut when I’m tempted to remind, nag, ask too many questions, or butt in. My young adults need to learn to be adults without their mother taking care of all the things in their lives or acting as their constant reminder system to do the important “adulting” things. 

I know that a lot of parents of young adults struggle with the same things, but some of my issue with this comes from my background growing up in a dysfunctional family. I learned as a child to be the fixer of things, and that being helpful and useful eased some of the tension in the house. My parents never told me to butt out when I told them how to raise my younger brother. I never learned that there were certain things I was responsible for and others that I simply wasn’t. I never learned to trust the people in charge in my life to take care of things that were theirs to take care of.

I run into this issue in more than just parenting. I’m in charge of both our homeschool co-op (which consists of classes for kids from nursery through high school on Friday mornings) and my church’s women’s ministry. There are ample opportunities to jump in and fill all the holes, fix all the problems, and answer all the questions. I do it even when I’m not asked - simply because I can.

Is it wrong to be helpful and useful? Isn’t that a good thing? Maybe - but only to a point.

First of all, helping doesn’t always help in the long term. All of this is really about having healthy boundaries. If you’re interested in that topic, you can read my earlier post on that here. If I always help my young adult kids remember to get their oil changed or pay their bills, they will never learn how to remember it on their own. My butting in doesn’t show them that I trust them, and it doesn’t encourage them to have confidence in their own abilities to handle adult life. So, is my “help” really helping them in the long run? It might help solve a short term problem but encourage a longer term one. Besides, if they haven’t even asked me to help them, why am I getting involved?

Two of the Bible verses I look at in regard to this topic are Galatians 6:2 and 5. In verse 2, we are reminded to “carry each others’ burdens”. To me, burdens are the crises, the extra struggles and challenges in life that we should be helping each other carry. Verse 5 says, “For each one should carry their own load”. We are each to carry our own normal, daily responsibilities in life. That means my kids carry theirs and I carry mine. 

The concept goes beyond parenting. In my homeschool co-op, I could step in and try to fill every hole in every class whenever someone is out sick, but that would quickly burn me out. It also robs others of the opportunity to help out. My people-pleaser tendencies come to the surface in those situations and I want to be the one to fix everything, but it isn’t healthy or reasonable. It will also communicate to others that “Amy will just fix it” so they don’t need to pitch in. Also, when it comes time for me to step down and ask someone else to lead, they’ll be really hesitant! “No way! I see all that you do and I’m not interested!” Since I won’t be in these roles forever, it’s important for me to create a leadership model that is realistically replicable.

What does it look like to practice this unconventional discipline?

1. Pause. Before jumping to fill a need or speaking up to remind a young adult about something they should be doing, it’s important to pause. Wait. Don’t speak right away. 

2. Ask yourself some questions. Is the help I’m wanting to offer actually helpful in the long run, or is it going to prevent someone else from learning responsibility? Would my intervention be infringing on what someone else should be responsible for? Have they even asked me for help? Especially with my young adults, I feel like if they ask for my help, they are at least acknowledging the need and taking steps to be responsible. “No” may still be the better answer, though, if they need to grow in responsibility and figure out their own reminder system. Or, perhaps they haven’t asked for my help because they have it all under control and don’t want or need my reminders!

3. Check your motives. Is my desire to help motivated by love for the person I’m helping, or a desire to be the fixer of things? Is my helping them in their best interests or in mine? I will sometimes put myself in a difficult or unwanted situation just because I want the problem fixed, rather than out of love for the other person or consideration of my own needs.

4. Pray. Has God asked me to take care of this need? 

How about you? Do you struggle with wanting to fix everyone’s problems and solve all the issues when no one has even asked you to? Can you see how choosing to either let them ask you for help, or holding off and letting others step in might be a healthy spiritual discipline? 

I would love to hear about any “unconventional” spiritual disciplines you might have that help you grow in your faith and be more like Jesus. 

You’re Not Invisible

Do you feel invisible, as if you hesitate to take up space - physically, emotionally, or financially?

A friend posted recently about how making appointments for herself is difficult as an adult. Can you relate? I found myself shouting “Amen!” to her post. It’s not logistically hard - it’s a phone call and putting a date on the calendar. It’s a different kind of hard that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I think I hesitate to prioritize caring for myself. It’s funny how helpful it is to have someone put words to your experiences!

For example, I have grown so frustrated with my aging eyesight that I finally made an eye appointment after Christmas and will take the dive into bifocals, but there was a lot of procrastinating before doing that. I might not like them. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to adjust. It would be a waste. I also put off making decisions about all the other fun doctor appointments and even getting a haircut! 

Why? 

If you struggle with this, too, there could be many reasons. Maybe the doctor appointments cause us to fear they’ll find something wrong, or we just don’t look forward to the unpleasant tests and screenings.

Could there be another reason? Maybe there’s something deeper going on.

Some of us are uncomfortable taking up space. 

It’s not so much about taking up space physically, but emotionally and financially. We’d much rather make everyone else happy than express our own desires and needs. We’d rather not use the family budget to get the checkup, buy the glasses, or ask for the gift. It feels much easier and less risky to fade into the background and see that everyone else is cared for. 

We’d rather… 

• Be the flexible one. 

• Avoid rocking the boat. 

• Bury our wishes, desires, and dreams.

Sometimes it’s easier for us to serve everyone else while completely denying that we have needs and wants ourselves. 

Do we fear being selfish? I’m pretty sure that when Jesus said to “deny ourselves”, He wasn’t talking about avoiding going to the eye doctor when we needed bifocals. 

Going to the other extreme isn’t helpful, either. There is a time and place to set ourselves aside and serve others. However, when that is our regular mode of operation to the denial of our own needs, it’s not healthy. We also have to ask ourselves if our motivation is truly just to serve others or if we fear putting our own needs and wants out there. Maybe we’re hiding behind helping others.

As with many of our hangups and baggage, it’s helpful to look below the surface of our presenting problem, and figure out what’s really happening inside. Is there a lie we’ve believed about God, ourselves, or others that is at the root of our issue?

I’ve read that if we grew up with a sibling who was particularly “high maintenance”, either due to extenuating health concerns or for other reasons, the other siblings can feel that their needs are less important and they would rather fade into the background and not cause any additional problems. That was definitely the case in my own life. My younger brother had a lot of behavioral issues that honestly, my parents had no idea how to deal with. I learned to manage myself and not bother them any more than necessary.

The lie is that I should be invisible. Not take up space. My needs and wants don’t matter.

The truth?

God sees. He knows. You are valuable. You have permission to take up space: physical, emotional, and financial. You matter. Step out of the background and into who God has designed you as a human.

Psalm 139 says that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”. (vs 14)

Isaiah 43:1 tells us He has redeemed us, and He has “called you by name; you are mine”.

Jesus says in Matthew 10:30 that “the very hairs of your head are numbered.”

If you struggle in this area, here are some next steps forward:

• Talk about it. If these thoughts and ideas stay in our heads, we’ll keep on believing them. When we talk about them with those close to us, it makes it much easier to clarify whether those thoughts are from God or not.  It can feel awkward at first, but it’s so freeing!

• Explore where those ideas came from. Perhaps something in your childhood made you feel that you needed to fade into the background. Acknowledge that. Ask God for discernment if there is anyone you need to forgive. Sometimes these situations are just part of growing up in a broken world, rather than anything that anyone did wrong.

• Replace the lies with truth from God’s Word. I like meditating on Psalm 139 or the other verses mentioned above when I struggle in this area. It reminds me that I am seen, cherished, and valued by God.

This Christmas, may you give yourself the gift of being honest with yourself and others. Step out from the background and into who God has made you to be, complete with your needs, desires, and dreams. 

In what ways do you struggle with feeling invisible?

How can parenting show us our blind spots?

No, I don’t generally write about parenting and I don’t plan to do so on a regular basis. However, I am finding that parenting and in general, our interactions with kids, can be great pointers to whether we’ve dealt with our own “stuff” from our past.

Parenting is scary and nerve wracking at times. It challenges us because there really isn’t a manual. Each child is different and each season is different and it all keeps us on our toes.

I’ve heard parents say so many times that they are actively trying to parent differently from how they were parented. Other times it isn’t a conscious choice - they do it without realizing it.

Depending on your family of origin, that may be a very wise decision! But do we sometimes go too far in the opposite direction? Perhaps we grew up in an oppressive environment and want to make sure our kids have the freedom to express themselves. Great! Just don’t allow disrespect and lack of boundaries create chaos in your home.

I feel like sometimes how we were parented haunts us. It’s always dangling in back of our minds, speaking into our decisions. We are so fearful of repeating the mistakes (or perceived mistakes) of our parents that it sometimes causes us to make decidedly poor decisions. If we want to do things differently, it should be an intentional, thought out, prayed through decision, not a knee jerk reaction to our childhood that we really haven’t dealt with thoroughly.

How do we process the way that we were parented, take the good, reject the bad, and then apply God’s Word to our current situation - intentionally and prayerfully?

The BUILD method of journaling and spiritual disciplines is a great option.

First, take some time to reflect on your own childhood and how you were parented.

• What was good? What positive things will you intentionally take away from how you were raised?

• What wasn’t good? And why wasn’t it good? The challenge here is to be objective and look at it through the eyes of an adult, not the child that you were. I remember being a teen and getting frustrated when I would bark at my mom about how she was managing my brother (or not managing him) and she would tell me to watch my tone of voice. At the time, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions and that she was being unreasonable. Now as an adult, I understand that while she may have been a little overly sensitive (that showed up in other areas), it is reasonable to ask a teen to speak respectfully to her mother and restrain those emotions.

You may find it helpful to process these things with your siblings if you have them. They likely have a different perspective on things.

• Were there lies that you learned about parenting? My father used to say that he believed that if he was too restrictive with my brother, that he would leave and never come back. (Side note: My brother was in trouble with the law on multiple occasions and died young in a drunk motorcycle accident. He was the drunk on the motorcycle. My father wasn’t nearly restrictive enough.) What did you learn about parenting that doesn’t line up with God’s Word?

Shortly after I met my now husband, I went with him to the midweek children’s program at his church. He was the game leader for the K-3rd graders. I stood by and watched as about 30 little kids came in for game time. He shouted “line up!” like a drill sergeant and they all silently and obediently lined up against one wall. My eyes grew wide as he proceeded to play games with them that were a mix of silliness and strict rules. They seemed to have fun and it was very orderly, but I was shocked at how firm he was with them.

Then, at the end of the evening, once the kids were dismissed, they ran over to him and started climbing all over him like his was a human jungle gym! They obviously had no fear of him despite his drill sergeant demeanor, but rather they adored him! I realized at that moment that I had believed the lie that kids won’t love you if you put boundaries on them. I also learned that rules don’t mean a lack of fun. The kids actually had more fun because they weren’t allowed to run wild, but rather had to play the game the way it was supposed to be played, according to the rules.

Once you’ve evaluated the good, the bad, and the ugly, look at what the Bible say about parenting. When I’m looking for a model, I look to how God cares for us as our perfect Heavenly Father. He loves us passionately, and yet disciplines and corrects us when needed. There are consequences for our actions, yet He forgives and restores us when we repent. We can approach Him with boldness and confidence, yet the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10).

The Bible also talks about how we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7-9). There are consequences for our decisions, both good and bad. Do we allow our kids to experience those consequences so they gain wisdom and understanding? It can be challenging to allow our kids to experience negative consequences, but without that, their growth both as Christians and as productive members of society will be hindered.

Are there areas where your parenting needs to change? Are there ways you can be more purposeful about what you take away from your own experience growing up?

I read a great book on this topic many years ago and I highly recommend it: Building the Christian Family You Never Had by Mary DeMuth. Especially if you didn’t grow up in a Christian household yourself, this is a great read.

In ways has the way you were parented affected how you parent your own children or interact with other peoples’ children?

How Do You Think God Sees You?

Imagine for a moment that you’re out to coffee with Jesus. You’re sitting across the table from him, each of you sipping your favorite drinks. (What would Jesus’ drink of choice be? Fun to ponder…) How does he look at you? What is his posture toward you? Is he smiling, welcoming, listening, supportive? Or is he sitting back with his arms folded, eyes narrowed, studying you and ready to criticize what you’re saying?

If you ran into Jesus at the grocery store (OK, I know this is weird, just humor me), how would he respond? Would he duck into the frozen aisle to avoid you? Would he give you a cursory wave and hello and then move on? Or would he hug you and smile and ask you how your day is going?

I know those scenarios might be strange to think about, but my point is this: How do you think God sees you? How does He feel about you? What is His general demeanor toward you? It’s one of those things that we usually don’t stop and think about it. We just picture God being a certain way to us. But I think it’s vitally important that we DO stop and think about it. How we believe God sees us has a profound affect on how we view ourselves, how we interact with God, our thought life, and how we feel about ourselves.

Where does that view of God come from?

I believe it largely comes from how we think our parents see us. Most of us get our perceptions of God at least in part from our parents. If they treated us with love and understanding, it’s not hard for us to see God that way. But if we felt that they were uninterested in us, or constantly frustrated with us, or that we were in the way, then we’re more likely to think that God feels that way about us.

There are a couple of problems with that. First, those perceptions we had as children might not even be accurate. We might have felt like our parents were always frustrated with us, but in reality, we misread their cues, or there was something else going on.

Secondly, imposing those perceptions onto our view of how God sees us may not be true. God’s Word is our source of truth. As we grow in our faith, it’s helpful to examine these things and see if they match how God’s Word says He sees us.

So how DOES God see us? If you have trusted Christ as your savior, these things are true of you:

• 1 Peter 2:9 - “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

• 2 Corinthians 5:17 - “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”

• Ephesians 2:10 - “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

• Zephaniah 3:17 - “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

• Psalm 139 - The whole Psalm!

• Romans 8:1-2 - “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

Look at the gospels - how did Jesus interact with people? He saw each one as an individual. The people he railed against were the hypocritical Pharisees and the money changers in the temple. He welcomed children. He sat and talked with people. Answered questions. Healed people.

So if Jesus was sitting across from you at the coffee shop, can you imagine the conversation? His demeanor toward you? Can you hear Him saying some of those verses to you?

“You, [insert your name], are a new creation…”
“You are My handiwork…”
“I have searched you and known you…”

I encourage you to dwell on those verses or any others that are meaningful to you and begin to reframe how you perceive that God sees you.

Is anxiety a sin?

Do you struggle with anxiety?

When I work through my weekly reflections, one of the things that frequently falls into the “not working” category is anxiety. I’m neither a doctor nor a psychologist, but my understanding is that there is a physiological component to anxiety (hormones, anyone?) as well as emotional and spiritual elements.

The Bible talks about anxiety - “Do not anxious for anything but with everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

That verse has led many to believe that being anxious is a choice and a sin - that if we just pray enough and trust God, then we shouldn’t be anxious at all. Having lived with anxiety for several years, I believe that’s an oversimplification of the situation. Does a lack of prayer and trust in God lead to anxiety? Absolutely! Does prayer and faith in God’s provision help to reduce anxiety? Definitely. Do we have a choice as to whether to be anxious or not? Well, to some degree, but maybe not entirely…

We can choose our response to feeling anxious. We can choose to engage in practices that help to get our minds out the anxiety rut, get exercise, etc. But it’s still a battle, and it usually doesn’t just disappear.

Is it a sin? Well, Jesus seemed pretty anxious before He went to the cross (Matthew 26:36-42). And we know that Jesus doesn’t sin. That leads me to think that anxious thoughts are part of the normal human experience. But Jesus didn’t stay there - He submitted to the Father’s will and did what He was called to do. We would do well to do the same.

I came across a podcast episode by Dr. Alison Cook, “The Best Of You”, where she was interviewing Curtis Chang, the author of a book called “The Anxiety Opportunity”. The episode is titled, “Can I Pray My Anxiety Away? A Surprising Approach to the Anxiety Pandemic & How to Walk Yourself and Your Kids Through it.”

I have listened to her podcast before and read her book, “The Best of You”, and was intrigued! After listening to the interview, I bought and read Cheng’s book. I highly recommend it! The author does indeed have a surprising approach to anxiety. Our typical goal is to try and eliminate anxiety. We see it as bad, maybe even sinful, we don’t like it, so the goal is to get rid of it. However, there are a couple of problems with that. First, when we are desperate to get rid of anxiety, it frequently results in making it worse, not better. Secondly, there really is no avoiding anxiety this side of eternity.

He explains that, “The fear of loss is the spiritual essence of anxiety. Anxiety is about the tomorrow, the future. Anxiety tries to make us fear something that could happen later.” (p. 23) Since on this side of eternity, there will always be loss - culminating in the ultimate loss, which is death - there will always be the tendency to be anxious. But the piece that we tend to forget is that as Christ followers, we get everything that we lose back again at the resurrection! That’s our hope. Yes, bad things will happen. We will experience loss - our health, our finances, and ultimately our lives. But God promises a physical, bodily resurrection, just like Jesus had! (1 Corinthians 15:35-57) Keeping that bigger picture in mind should help to ease our anxiety.

This life is temporary and fragile. God never promised that it would be otherwise. But our hope is that He is with us in it, and then will restore us with “imperishable” bodies.

I found the book to be super practical, both in reframing my understanding of anxiety and also providing practical tools to battle it on a daily basis. I hope that if you struggle in this area that you check it out.

What do we REALLY believe about God?

I’m sure we can all list off several attributes of God - He is forgiving, He is our provider, our defender, and our healer. He is all knowing, all powerful, and ever present with us. But how many of those things do we REALLY believe - do we experientially KNOW?

I’m finding in my own life that there is a gap between what I intellectually believe about God and what I actually live out in my day to day existence.

This is a concept I talk about in the BUILD method - how the things we truly believe are the things we live out. Laura Sandretti, in her book “Believe Deeper”, calls them abstract beliefs and core beliefs. Abstract beliefs are things that we think are true and sound great, but we don’t necessarily live them out. Core beliefs are those beliefs that we do live out in our day to day lives.

When we spend time journaling about the issues we’re struggling with, sometimes what we find isn’t necessarily a blatant lie, but simply a belief that is abstract. It hasn’t made it from our head into our heart.

That isn’t something to beat ourselves up about. It’s all part of the normal sanctification process.

How do we move beliefs from being abstract to core? God frequently uses life circumstances to do that for us. We find ourselves in a situation that challenges us - do we really believe that God will provide? Do we really believe that God is faithful? Do we really see Him as our loving heavenly Father?

I have homeschooled my three kids, and in the process, have learned about different educational philosophies. With some of the school subjects we covered, such as math, we used a mastery based approach. I had my kids fully master addition, for example, before moving on to subtraction, and so on. Other subjects used a more spiral approach. In science, we might learn the very basics of a cell one year, then move on to other topics. The next year, we circle back around and learn more in depth about a cell, and so on. Each year, we would cover many of the same topics, just more in depth each time we covered it again.

With my personal tendency toward anxiety and catastrophic thinking, I worry that God is going to use the mastery approach with me. In my head, that looks like having some terrible trial enter my life in order to teach me once and for all to rely on Him, or trust Him fully, or see Him as my provider. It’s going to happen all in one major catastrophe and it’s going to be extremely painful and difficult.

That could happen, but I think more often than not, God uses the spiral approach. He nudges us and stretches us a bit in one area and we do some growing, then He lets off and we move on to other things. Then it comes back around again with maybe some stronger stretching, or in a different way… It can be uncomfortable and challenging, but not necessarily catastrophic.

Getting back to the BUILD method, when we spend time in reflection, it can point us to where God is currently stretching us. Which abstract beliefs or lies is He working on moving from our intellect to our daily experience? And how can we cooperate with Him on that?

For me, God right now is working on reframing my view of Him and how I perceive that He deals with me. I can tend to assume that everything He does in my life is going to difficult and painful. (I haven’t figured out the source of that particular lie, yet!) But He is a good, gentle Father, who deals with me in mercy and kindness.

How about you? What are some of the themes that resurface in your life? What is God teaching you about Himself? What beliefs is He moving from your head to your heart? And how can you cooperate with Him in that?

How do you view the Bible?

A couple of weeks ago, I went to our church’s women’s retreat. The speaker, Laura Sandretti did such a great job at being real and relatable - there were so many things I took away from the weekend. Over the next few weeks, I’ll share some of those takeaways here.

One thing that struck me relates to how I view the Bible. I enjoy studying and learning new things, and my background is such that I’ve had several very intellectual pastors whom I’ve sat under. I’ve been blessed to have been taught how to study the Bible - looking at the historical context, investigating the words in the original Hebrew or Greek, and learning big words like dispensationalism, covenant theology, Calvinism, Armenianism, eschatology, etc. I enjoy approaching the Bible from an intellectual standpoint.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

We should be scholars of God’s Word. We should understand the larger Biblical context of what we’re reading. We shouldn’t be ignorant of the historical context in which it was originally written. We are told to “rightly divide the Word of truth”. (2 Timothy 2:15) That requires study.

However, the older I get, the more I also just want Jesus to speak to me through His Word.

Laura Sandretti, in her book, “Believe Deeper”, said “…I would read what is often affectionately called ‘A love letter from the Lord’ like it was an encyclopedia or repair manual.” (p. 21) I can totally relate.

I suppose it reflects even more on how I view my relationship with God in general. Do I see Him as my loving, heavenly Father who wants to hang out and talk to me? Or am I constantly worried about messing up and disappointing Him? If I just learn all the rules and follow them, then everything will be OK and he’ll bless me, right? Which goes back to my relationship with my earthly father and learning that love is conditional, which I’ve talked about before.

Related to that, Laura also stressed that when God brings something to our attention that He wants us to address (conviction) it isn’t to accuse us and tell us that we’ve messed up again. It’s to lovingly show us that He has something better for us. I hear the voice of condemnation so often in my head, yet Scripture says that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)

I think even as I teach the BUILD method of using journaling a spiritual disciplines to grow in our faith, it could come across as a formula. A “here’s a step by step process for fixing the areas in your life that aren’t right”. In a way, it is, but I encourage you (and myself) to never separate it from the personal relationship you have with Jesus. We’re not correcting lies in our lives and replacing them with truth so that we can check off boxes or make ourselves more likable to God. We’re learning and growing because God loves us so much and He knows that living the way He designed us is what brings us peace, joy, and purpose.

So how do you view the Bible? Do you see it more as an instruction manual or a love letter? It’s both, but most of us lean in one direction or the other. Laura had some simple suggestions for growing in this area:

1. Pray before you read Scripture. Many of us have probably heard that before. I generally pray before I read, but it can easily become more of a rote, empty ritual rather than a heartfelt prayer. Ask God to “open the eyes of your heart” (Ephesians 1:18) and show Himself to you as you read.

2. Read shorter passages repeatedly. There’s definitely benefit for reading through large portions of the Bible to get a good overview, but also, take time to take a shorter passage and read through it multiple times. As you read, ask God to speak to you about the real life issues you’re facing. Allow the Holy Spirit to connect the things you read in His Word to your everyday experiences. Many times that involves reading the same passage multiple times.

3. Put your name in Scripture. Yes, the Bible was written hundreds of years ago in a very different culture and to a specific group of people. But it was also written to us. To you. To me. Take a meaningful passage and put your name into it as if God were speaking it to you. One of my favorites is Psalm 139.

“I have searched you, Amy, and I know you. I know when you sit and when you rise. I perceive your thoughts from afar…”

That takes the Bible from being impersonal and academic to being a love letter from God to us.

How about you? How do you view the Bible? Is there one of these points that you can take away and apply to your life?

What’s your relationship with boundaries?

When my kids were young, we went on a vacation that required airplane travel. I told the kids that they could each pack some games and snacks in their own backpacks that they could then take on the plane. The catch was this - they couldn’t make their backpacks so heavy that they couldn’t carry them through the airport themselves. They couldn’t stuff it so full of things that they would need to hand it off to myself or Dad part way through the walk to the gate. We would have our own luggage to carry and wouldn’t be able to carry theirs as well.

That’s how life works, isn’t it? Galatians 6:4-5 says, “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” (Emphasis mine.) Our load is like the kids’ backpacks. They’re the everyday, normal responsibilities of life. Getting up, going to work, doing the laundry, caring for our families, seeing to our own health - mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. Our emotions, reactions, choices, likes and dislikes are all part of our load to carry.

Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Emphasis mine.) Burdens are the above and beyond problems and crises in life. A new baby, a death in the family, a difficult illness, moving. Those are things that we are called to help one another with. They’re too big to be carried alone. The Body of Christ supports one another when we have burdens too big to carry alone.

Boundary Problems

So what are the different problems we might run into as it relates to boundaries? One common problem is that we take on other peoples’ loads as our own. We take up someone else’s backpack. What does that look like? Maybe a coworker or friend asks you to take care of things for them that are really their responsibility. Does that mean we can never help someone out just to be nice? Of course not. I’m referring to chronically doing someone’s work for them, particularly when you have a lot of your own to do and really don’t have the capacity. You end up feeling used and frustrated. You neglect your own responsibilities in order to carry theirs.

In 2 Corinthians 9:7, Paul says, “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” Decide what you have to give to others, whether it’s financially or giving of your time or of your emotional resources. There’s nothing holy about being a doormat, or giving in to the demands of others to the point that you are neglecting your own responsibilities. It’s OK to say a prayerful “no” to requests that you really don’t have the capacity or desire to fulfill.

If we struggle to say no and establish healthy boundaries, there could be lies under the surface contributing to that. Here are some possibilities:

- If I say no, then I won’t be liked.

- If I say no, I’m not being a good friend.

- God wants me to help everyone who asks.

- My value is in how much I can be helpful to others.

Do you have trouble saying no? Take some time to explore why that is. Is there a lie that you’re believing? Did the adults in your family of origin draw appropriate boundaries? Were your boundaries respected? Sometimes those who have suffered abuse (the ultimate violation of boundaries) have trouble setting boundaries on others and respecting the boundaries that others set.

The other common boundary problem that we can have is that we don’t take responsibility for our own backpacks. We push our loads off onto others, whether it’s daily life responsibilities or failing to own our emotions and responses to situations. There are a lot of situations that are out of our control. Things happen to us or are done to us that we have no control over. However, we DO have control over how we respond to those situations. We can’t use those things as an excuse to make poor choices or to think that the normal rules of life don’t apply to us.

Sometimes we push our loads onto others because we’ve taken on too much. We’re like the kid going through the airport handing mom the backpack because it’s too heavy for us to carry.

Why do we take on too much? Sometimes we’re trying to find our purpose and value in all the things we take on. Or we’re trying to make ourselves so busy that we don’t have time or head space to deal with deeper issues in our lives.

Some lies we might be believing if we struggle to take responsibility for our own load:

- I react this way because of what has been done to me, so it’s not my fault.

-I’m just too busy to get everything done. We’re supposed to help each other out.

Truth:

- My reactions to situations might be the result of what was done to me. However, the responsibility of pursuing healing and working to change those reactions is mine to own.

- If I’m too busy to manage my own responsibilities, then I probably need to take some things off my plate. My worth comes from Jesus, not from the number of things I do in a day.

Do you struggle in these areas? Do you have a hard time saying no and end up feeling like everyone’s doormat? Or do you find yourself blaming others for things that maybe you could take more responsibility for? Take some time to journal through then using the BUILD method.

What’s Your Relationship with Conflict?

What’s your relationship with conflict? Do you avoid it? Run full speed into it? Create it? Try to resolve it as quickly as possible?

Conflict is messy business, and it tells us so much about ourselves. Our reaction to conflict can be a helpful indicator as to what we believe about ourselves, God, and others.

Conflict is a normal part of being sinful, broken humans. When we have two or more broken people trying to work and be in community together, there WILL be conflict. If there isn’t, either it hasn’t been long enough, you haven’t been close enough, or one of you is lying and suppressing their desires, opinions, or needs.

The question becomes whether we handle conflict in a healthy or an unhealthy way.

Some of us (me sheepishly raising my hand…), try to avoid conflict because it makes us uncomfortable. We would much rather have everyone get along and be at peace. However, many times the way to peace is THROUGH conflict.

Are you a people-pleaser?

I have struggled with people pleasing, wanting to avoid conflict, and being willing to suppress my own opinions and desires just to have peace. Many years ago when going out to dinner with some friends, everyone was sharing where they wanted to go. I said that wherever was fine - it didn’t matter. One of my roommates told me, “Amy, if you have an opinion and you don’t share it, you’re lying.” Ouch! I still struggle sometimes with being too willing to keep the peace even if it means not expressing my desires. There’s a place for that, of course, but some of us do it a little too much.

We read in the Bible that “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matthew 5:9). How do we decide when it’s time to be a peacemaker versus time to have healthy conflict? Is it more godly to suppress our own desires and opinions in order to keep the peace?

To answer that, I would ask: Is peace and harmony the absence of conflict? Not really. It’s the resolution of conflict. We get to peace through conflict, not by avoiding it. When we avoid it, things fester and will surface later. That’s not peace. Peace is what we get on the other side of conflict.

If you avoid conflict - what are you afraid of? Are you concerned that if you disagree then people won’t like you? Are you afraid of the conflict itself? Does it bring up unpleasant memories? Were you the peacemaker in your childhood? (I was.) Should you have been? (No.)

In relationships, peace (meaning lack of conflict) is not the highest goal. True peace - wholeness and harmony - is attained many times by going through conflict in a healthy way.

My parents fought a lot when I was growing up. And they didn’t do it in a healthy way. One would stomp away and slam the door and cry while the other went back to reading a magazine as if nothing was wrong. I chose to play the go between and try and resolve the conflict for them, carrying messages back and forth to get them to talk to each other. Not the role a kid is supposed to have. But they never told me to stop and I hated the fighting, so I kept trying to fix it. What I should have done is to stay out of it and forced them to figure it out themselves as adults.

I wasn’t being a peacemaker - I was enabling their lack of conflict resolution skills and putting myself in a position that was neither appropriate nor healthy. They needed to act like adults and work through their own conflict.

If you struggle with this aspect of conflict, some of the lies that could be feeding it are:

-My needs and wants don’t matter

-Conflict means I’m doing something wrong

-It’s more important for me to please others than to voice my own opinion

If this is you, take time to journal and explore why you feel this way. What does God say is true about you?

Or do you create conflict?

On the flip side, some of us might struggle with creating conflict and getting involved in it when we shouldn’t be. We run headlong into conflict, both in person and online. Social media is a popular place to create conflict by posting controversial topics. There’s nothing wrong with discussing controversial issues - that’s good and healthy. But social media really isn’t the place for that type of discussion. If you find yourself trying to “stir the pot” that way, I would encourage you to ask yourself why. What are you hoping to accomplish? Social media doesn’t allow for honest, two way communication in the context of a relationship. Those in-person, real discussions are the things that change peoples’ minds on a subject - not reading a controversial social media post.

Sometimes we create conflict as a way to feel powerful, or because we fear being dominated by others. Some lies we might be embracing:

- I am less valuable if I don’t win an argument.

- It’s my job to change others

- I need to feel powerful and in control in order to feel safe

So where do you fall on the spectrum? What is your relationship with conflict? If you need a refresher on the BUILD method to work through any of these things, you can find it here.

Where does our identity come from?

“Tell me about yourself…”

When we meet someone new and look to answer that question, we usually answer it with descriptions of our roles.

“I’m a Mom of three kids.”

“I’m an electrical engineer.”

“I’m a college student.”

“I’m a pastor.”

That has become the cultural norm - to identify ourselves based on our roles and jobs. We identify who we are based on what we do. I’m not suggesting that you change that the next time you’re at a party. However, if at our core, we find our identity in what we do, rather than who God says we are, we’re going to run into problems.

Why?

Roles change

Because our roles change. If my identity is in being a stay at home mom, homeschooling my kids, what happens when my kids graduate and leave the house? I’m left with an identity crisis and don’t know what to do with myself. Or if we lose our job and have to find work in a different field, or retire from the work world altogether, what does that do to our identity?

We make mistakes

Another reason that finding our identity in what we do causes problems is that we aren’t perfect. We’re going to make mistakes. We might be fired from our job, feel like a failure as a parent, or struggle with sin. What then? Those failures and sin struggles lead to insecurity, defensiveness, and fear, because they threaten our value as a human being. We desperately need to have value and worth as a person. When that is shaken, we don’t tend to handle it very well.

I have struggled with reacting defensively when I make a mistake. I would defend myself and insist that what I did wasn’t so bad, and there was a reason for it… It was one of those default reactions that would happen before I even realized it. I knew that I should just own my mistake and apologize for it, but I kept returning to being defensive.

After journaling about it, I realized that I became defensive because my mistakes made me feel like I had failed and that my worth and value as a person was in question. No one was making me feel that way - it was all coming from within. I had to take some time and renew my mind in Scripture and embed the truth into my heart that my worth and value come from God and who He says I am, not from what I do.

Which comes first - being or doing?

I was teaching from the book of Ephesians recently and was reminded again that the first half of the letter is all about WHO we are in Christ. Paul doesn’t get into what we are supposed to DO until chapter 4. What we DO needs to flow from WHO we are. We get it backwards when we allow what we DO to determine WHO we are.

Do you struggle with this? You may without realizing it. I never thought that my defensive reactions were an issue of my misplaced identity until I worked through the BUILD method myself. I looked at how I felt when I became defensive and what thoughts were simmering under the surface. I also heard a sermon where our pastor mentioned that if your parents showed favoritism between siblings, it can lead to the children adopting a works-based understanding of love, even if you were the “favorite”. That was definitely my own story! I was the “good kid” growing up and my younger brother was not. We were regularly compared to one another. So, since I saw love and acceptance as conditional on good behavior, it made sense that I would by default see my relationship with God and others the same way. When I made a mistake, it threatened my “good kid” status and therefore my value as a person. My response? Defend myself when I mess up so I can still feel valuable.

You might struggle with finding your identity in what you do if you respond defensively when corrected. Do you struggle with insecurity? People pleasing? Anxiety? Fear?

Those could all have their root in a misplaced sense of identity.

So where DO we find our identity? In Christ. Some of my favorite verses to memorize, study, and meditate on when I’m struggling with this:

Psalm 139

Ephesians 1:3-14

Ephesians 2:1-10

If any of those reactions and struggles sound familiar, I encourage you to work through why you feel the way you and uncover if there’s a lie beneath the surface that relates to your identity. You can find the BUILD method here.

What’s your relationship with money?

“It’s complicated”…

My pastor asked this recently and I had to stop and think about it. Certain issues can have a lot of “below the surface” baggage, and money is definitely one of them. If you’re married, what percentage of your arguments with your spouse are over money? How much do we earn? What do we spend it on? How much (if any) do we give away? Do we save? Do we go into debt? If so, under which circumstances? For most of us, I’m guessing our relationship status with money falls into the “it’s complicated” category.

If you’re walking through the BUILD process, maybe you’ve notice during your time of reflection that you have been getting anxious every time a bill comes in the mail, or when the dollar amount at the grocery store is higher than you’d like. Maybe there have been arguments with spouse over it.

Look at your emotions

Take some time to “Be Aware” of what emotions surface when it comes to money. Anxiety is a common one. Does money make you anxious? Get specific - what aspect of money makes you anxious? Is it medical bills? The grocery bills? Are you worried that you won’t have enough? We tend to assume that’s the issue - concern over having enough money - but I think it can be more complicated than that. Do you have enough money but just don’t like spending it? Do you worry about wasting it? Are you concerned about people taking advantage of you over it?

Maybe you don’t get anxious about it, but you spend it as a means of comfort or to reduce depression.

I’m not here to give tips on budgeting or staying out of debt. I’m more looking at what’s beneath the surface as it relates to money.

Does money make you feel inept? Incapable of managing it properly?

Take some time to journal about your emotions as they relate to money.

Where are the lies?

Once you’re aware of where there might be an issue, let’s look at uncovering any lies connected to money.

What did you learn about money from your family of origin? Was it a source of tension between your parents? Did your family struggle to make ends meet? Or were money and possessions flaunted as status symbols to friends and relatives? Was money wasted frivolously or hoarded?

Here are some lies about money that we might have learned…

• Money brings me security and safety. (Nope - God does.)

• Money must be accumulated and hoarded so I can protect myself. (Saving is wise, but God is our protector.)

• Money is a source of pride and status. (Yes, but our identity needs to be in Christ.)

• If I just earn enough money, I’ll be happy. (Won’t work. Solomon tried and failed.)

• I should do whatever I can to earn more money. (Again, be wise, but always put God first.)

• Money is bad and it’s more godly to be poor. (This is not in the Bible.)

Truth: Money isn’t evil. It’s morally neutral. Money is meant to serve us and for us to use to serve God. Earning money isn’t bad. Money just makes a very poor master.

1 Timothy 6:10 “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”

Loving money is wrong and gets us into all sort of trouble. We are to love God above all else.

1 Timothy 6:17 says, “Instruct those who are rich in the present age not to be arrogant or to set their hope on the uncertainty of wealth, but on God, who richly provides us with all things to enjoy.”

Again, being rich isn’t condemned, but being arrogant and finding our hope in wealth rather than in God. God is our provider and “richly provides us with all things to enjoy”.

The Bible also talks about the importance of being generous.

2 Corinthians 9:7 “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

When we give, it reminds us that God is the source of our provision.

The book of Proverbs talks about the importance of a good work ethic and the problems with going into debt:

“Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.” Proverbs 10:4

“The rich rule over the poor, And the borrower is slave to the lender.” Proverbs 22:7

What does money represent to you? Security? Significance? Stability? Success? Freedom? What lies about money have you incorporated into your life? And how can you replace them with truth from God’s Word?

Establishing a Practice of Reflection

How is your life going? Is the life you’re living the life you want to be living? The life God has called you to live?

The first step in even answering that question is to cultivate a practice of reflection. The first step in the BUILD method of growing in our faith is Be aware, which starts with reflection.

The idea of reflection is so contrary to our “always on the run - never stop” culture. But if we want to live life intentionally, in line with God’s Word and in a way that brings us joy and satisfaction, we must take time to reflect.

What does that look like?

As I’ve mentioned before, I enjoy reflecting weekly. I sit down sometime over the weekend and ask myself just a few questions:

1. What were my “wins” from the past week?

What are some things I accomplished that I’m happy about? They aren’t always big, monumental tasks - sometimes they’re small things that I’ve been putting off for a long time. Things like making the doctor’s appointment, sending the message, or getting outside for a walk on a consistent basis. Wins don’t have to be easily quantifiable, either. They can be things like not getting impatient with my kids as much, spending more time with my husband, or managing anxiety more effectively.

However big or small, it’s helpful to acknowledge and celebrate the things that have gone well.

2. What is working?

This question is purposefully vague to allow me to consider all different areas of life. We tend to separate our lives into categories - spiritual, work, family, physical, emotional… It can make it easier to think about that way, but we can forget that we are one unified person and all the different pieces of our lives overlap and affect each other. How we’re doing spiritually affects how work is going. Issues with our temper might be caused by what we’re eating or not getting enough exercise or because of stress at work. Maybe my frustration with my kids has its root in conflict with my husband.

So when I ask myself this question, I leave it wide open to mention anything in any of those categories that is working well. But to help get your own juices flowing, here are some other ways of thinking about it:

What’s working at work? Is there a work process that’s going well? Habits you’ve developed that are making things go more smoothly? Ways of interacting with your boss (or not interacting with your boss)? Ways of interacting with your coworkers? Things you’re doing during your lunch break? Or on the commute to or from work?

What’s working at home? A bedtime or waking time that has been working? Eating habits? Ways of interacting with your kids or spouse? How you spend your free time? Cleaning routines? Cooking plans?

How about your spiritual life? Is there a Bible reading plan that you’re enjoying? A church ministry you’re serving in that’s a good fit? What’s working in your prayer life?

How about physically? Is there an exercise routine that’s working? A different eating plan that’s giving you more energy? Is an earlier bedtime helping you feel more rested in the morning?

And emotionally… Is there a practice you’ve used to improve your mood that has worked? A method of managing anxiety or depression that’s going well?

3. In the same way, which of those areas DIDN’T work?

Now, that looks like a really long list. I don’t think through all of those things every week. But that’s what’s in the back of my mind as I consider what worked and what didn’t work the previous week.

As we spend time in reflection, invite God into the process. We can ask Him to show us what worked and what didn’t. What are the things that He wants to put His finger on? God is the perfect patient teacher. He thankfully doesn’t confront us with all of our dysfunction at once, but gently guides us through what He wants us to notice and focus on.

If you choose to reflect daily and use the “Examen” as your guide, then pausing to ask God to show you what He wants you to notice about the day is part of that process. To learn more about the Examen, check out my blog post here.

The final question I ask myself is, “What am I learning?” What am I learning about myself, about God, about others?

Why is all this helpful? Because we can’t move forward and make progress in our faith and life if we don’t first know where we are.

Do you have a practice of reflection? What does it look like? How has it worked for you?

What we need before we can grow with Christ

I homeschool my kids, and for some reason, math can sometimes end in tears. My older two kids are both going into engineering fields, so they obviously figured it out, but math for younger kids can produce a lot of emotional frustration. My youngest is 12 and we’re deep into Pre-Algebra, learning about exponents and variables. It can feel to him like it’s a foreign language. I have noticed with him in particular, that attitude is everything. If he feels insecure about his ability to understand it, or if he’s tired or hungry, he will make up his mind that he can’t do it. And lo and behold, he becomes incapable of solving the problems.

In the same way, if he’s feeling confident and positive, he can work through the same material with no problem.

Out attitude and our feelings of security or insecurity make all the difference - not just in learning math!

I’ve talked a lot about growing in our faith, getting unstuck, and replacing lies with truth from God’s Word. The BUILD process starts with the practice of being aware of what’s going on in our lives and spending time in reflection. But there’s an earlier step that we might need to consider first.

We first need to be secure in who we are in Christ and in the fact that He loves and values us because of our standing as His children, rather than because of any good works we’ve done. Only then can we grow and mature in our faith.

Have you ever noticed that in the Apostle Paul’s letters in the New Testament, before he starts telling the church what changes they need to make, he first reinforces their standing before God?

In 1 Corinthians, before he tells them about the divisions and dysfunction in their church, he first tells them how they’re sanctified and called to be holy. (1:2) He tells them that they don’t lack any spiritual gift, how thankful he is for them, and how God will keep them strong until the end. (1:4-9)

Ephesians begins with all of our blessing that we have in Christ and all He has done for us. It isn’t until chapter 4 that he addresses the things they’re struggling with.

Before we can be teachable and receive what God has for us, we need to be confident in His love for us and in our standing before Him. If we are insecure in our relationship with Him, we’re going to have a difficult or even impossible time receiving correction and instruction from Him or others.

Think about kids. They need to know that they are loved and accepted first. Then they are in a place to know when they have made a mistake and are open to changing their behavior.

When we are insecure in our relationship with God, we frequently become defensive when confronted by something we’re struggling with. Our first priority is to protect our core identity. If we believe that our worth and value come from what we do, then any criticism about what we do is a threat to our worth and value as a person. Our instinct is to protect our value, and so we reject the idea that we’ve made a mistake.

Do you find yourself getting defensive when confronted by things that you struggle with? Does the idea of facing sin in your life make you cringe and want to curl up in a ball or run away? If so, I can totally relate! The first step may be to look at the foundation of your relationship with God. Who are you? How does He see you? What is that relationship based on?

If we believe that our worth before God is based on our works - the good things we do - then we’re standing on sinking sand. No amount of good works can ever make us worthy of a relationship with Holy God. We can never be perfect. But that’s why He came to earth as Jesus and died on the cross for us. Jesus paid the debt that we never could! When we place our faith in Him, we begin a relationship that isn’t based on works but on God’s grace. God loves us and deems us worthy people based on the work of Jesus, not on our own works. When we sin, it doesn’t shake the foundation of our relationship with Him. It mars our fellowship and it isn’t the way God designed us to live, but it doesn’t shake the foundation of God’s love and acceptance of us. We can be secure in our relationship with Him, even when confronted with our sin, because our standing with God isn’t based on our works.

You might say, “Yes, yes, the gospel - I know that. I accepted Jesus as my Savior years ago.”

Great! Accepting the gospel is a one time decision, but we also need it as a daily reminder. My standing before God is not based on what I do but on what Jesus already did.

So how secure are you in your relationship with God? Do you struggle with feeling like you still need to earn God’s favor? Maybe you’ve accepted Christ’s death on the cross as payment for your sin, but you need to remind yourself that your relationship is based on grace, not works. Or maybe you’ve never made that decision. If you’re not sure, you can take a look at this page. I’d also love to talk with you and answer questions.

“For by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from ourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

Year End Reflection

As we walk through Christmas week and into the New Year, this is a natural time to do some extended reflecting. How has 2022 gone? How would you describe it? What are some of the spiritual lessons you learned? How have you grown in your walk with Jesus?

I’ve talked about my practice of weekly reflection here. It’s not hard to take and apply those concepts to the entire year. One tool I use weekly that helps in the yearly practice is the “The Next Right Thing Guided Journal”. Since I’ve been writing in it for the entire calendar year, I can use it to look back and jog my memory on what things were going on. A year can feel like a long period of time to remember what happened!

Wins?

One category you might add to your yearly reflection is this: What wins can you celebrate? For me, I’m celebrating that I stepped out in faith and did five speaking engagements this year. I’ve done some public speaking in the past, but this was definitely more than usual. I spoke twice at my church’s mom’s group, led a seminar at our church spring retreat, was the main speaker at a church women’s event, and spoke at a Bible study for young adults. They were great experiences and I feel like I grew a lot in my skills as a communicator. Most of the topics I spoke on where the types of things I write about here. In the coming year, one of my goals is to move beyond the comfort zone of my home church and try to speak at other local MOPS groups or other women’s groups.

I also finished a book proposal for the book I’m working on that walks through the BUILD process of using journaling and spiritual disciplines to grow in our faith. I made a connection with someone in the publishing industry through my pastor and got some great feedback from him on my proposal, which was very encouraging. Unfortunately, in order to be traditionally published, I would need a much larger audience. My other option is to self-publish, which I may pursue in 2023.

Changes or Challenges?

What changes or challenges did you encounter in 2022? One large change in my own life was my taking a larger role in my father’s life. He just turned 80 and lives out of state. He visited over the summer, which gave me a good chance to understand how he’s doing. As a result, I’ve gotten more involved in helping him manage his finances. It has given me opportunity to practice journaling and using spiritual disciplines to process through some of the changes in that relationship. The BUILD process is very much something that came out of my own need to work through issues from my past! If you would like an overview of it, you can find that here.

How about you? What wins can you celebrate? What challenges have you overcome this past year?

If you’d like some further reflection prompts, this article has some good ones.

Have a wonderful Christmas! See you in 2023!

Walking with Jesus through December

How would you describe a typical December? Busy? Frazzled? Fun? Depressing? Hopeful? Stressful?

Let’s face it - December is not like any other month. Life is more than ever filled with shopping, planning, running on empty, trying to fit in all the concert-goings, cookie-makings, and party-attendings (yeah, I know, that’s not a word) while somehow reflecting on the birth of Jesus.

Right.

For some, it’s a blunt reminder of those we’ve lost, the yearning for connections we’ve never had, or the desire for how we wish things could be. The stores are singing about “merry and bright” and we’re feeling rather sad and dark.

How do we walk through this season, with all the expectations, responsibilities, and activities, and remain close to Jesus?

1. Examine and re-evaluate your expectations.

Christmas, more than any other holiday, is full of expectations. Get everyone the perfect gift, make the kids’ experience magical, get a Christmas card out to everyone along with the professional family picture. It’s a people-pleaser’s minefield! I find that I become most critical and frustrated when my expectations aren’t met. So the solution in many cases is to adjust my expectations to be more realistic. Here are some questions to think about or journal through:

• What is most important to you this season?

• What is one word that best describes the posture you’d like to have this month?

• What challenges do you face this month? Scheduling challenges? Difficult anniversaries? Financial constraints?

• What is realistic to expect of yourself in light of those challenges?

• What might you need to let go of in order to fulfill what is most important?

2. Maintain some structure and stability in your days through spiritual disciplines.

What are some routine “pillars” you can put into place or keep in place throughout your day to provide a sense of consistency even when regular schedules are out of whack?

Do you have a consistent morning routine that includes perhaps prayer, Bible reading, and journaling? Even something like praying for the day while taking a shower, or memorizing a Bible verse that’s printed on the bathroom mirror while getting ready for the day can keep us focused on God. Reading Scripture or a devotion during lunch or spending some time in reflection before bed are other ideas.

3. Don’t be afraid to use timers to remind you to connect with God.

When I first started doing this, I felt guilty. “I shouldn’t need a timer to remember to pray!” But alas… I do. I’d rather be honest with myself and take the necessary steps to keep my mind fixed on Jesus than go through my day in my own power, with no thought to God. So, setting a phone timer it is. I’ve talked before about taking a “pause” - a literal minute or two during the day to step outside (preferably) or at least away from the activity we’re doing, to pray and release our worries and concerns to Jesus. Remember that our relationship with Him is the most important thing.

What helps you to stay connected to Jesus through the month of December?

What DOESN’T work that you can let go of?

Think about what you’re thinking…

What we think about affects how we feel, which in turn affects how we act. And yet I believe that we seldom think about what we’re thinking about.

What is going through your mind right now - beyond reading this blog post. What is the underlying narrative you’re telling yourself? It might not be completely audible, but rather just below the surface, like mood music at a department store. But if you’re feeling defeated, hopeless, frustrated, weary, anxious… there may be a message you’re thinking about that is feeding those emotions.

“I’ll never get all this done.”
“I let him down again.”
“I messed up again.”
“I have to keep going at this pace.”
“I’m not doing ______ right.”
“I can’t believe I don’t have this figured out already.”
“I should know better.”
“I should BE better.”
“I have to find all the answers NOW.”
“I have to prove my worth.”
“I’m not good enough.”

What if we take the time to try and write down what we’re actually telling ourselves?
Is what you’re thinking about true? Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it what God thinks about you?
I use journaling to work through this because it’s so flexible - just a conversation with myself on paper.

I start with what I'm feeling:

- I’m feeling overwhelmed because I have all these decisions to make and I don’t know what to do.
- OK, what decisions do you have to make?
- (I list out my decisions)

I can then play coach to myself and prioritize which decisions need to be made first and which ones can wait. Many times, the decisions themselves aren’t that big of a deal - it’s the fact that they are still unmade that’s the problem.

I can also go another direction with my journaling…

-How do you feel about those decisions that are still unmade?
-It feels like everything is out of control and I’m paralyzed because I don’t know what to do next.

Have you ever noticed your inner middle schooler coming out? The one that exaggerates things into superlative statements like “everything is out of control” or “I don’t know how to do anything…”? 

Take a step back. Is that actually true? I doubt that “everything” is out of control, or that “nothing” is working, or that I don’t know how to do “anything”. Bring the adult you back into the room. What exactly feels out of control? What ISN’T out of control? What specifically do you not know what to do? What DO you know how to do? What isn’t working and what actually is working?

Many times, this process helps me to find perspective and peace again. It takes the overwhelming jumble in my head and gives me a tool to sort through it and makes sense of it.

Have you seen this work for you? What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?

Spiritual Disciplines for the Busy

Spiritual disciplines? How do I fit that into my already busy schedule? Jesus didn’t have a job to get to, kids to raise, errands to run, or a house to clean!

True! Our modern life looks a lot different than it did in ancient Judea. However, the Bible was written not only that time, but for this one as well. So how do we practically incorporate spiritual disciplines into our busy lives?

First, if you’re looking some further direction on what exactly spiritual disciplines are and what they aren’t, take a look here:

www.amylynnsimon.com/blog/what-are-spiritual-disciplines

And, for some simple ways to begin a spiritual discipline, you’ll find that here:

www.amylynnsimon.com/blog/five-steps-to-start-a-spiritual-discipline

Then, if we’re trying to figure out how to incorporate these things into our lives, here are some suggestions:

Don’t look at it as another thing to add to your to-do list.

Think of it more akin to cooking or baking. Rather than being a separate meal that you need to prepare, think of it as the spices or other ingredients that you’re adding in to what you’re already making.

What are things that you already do where you can incorporate a simple spiritual practice?

Silence, solitude, and prayer frequently go together. When in your day do you have opportunities for silence and solitude? Do you drive in to work by yourself? Instead of listening to the radio, what if you used that time for silence and prayer?

Do you take a mid morning or mid afternoon coffee break? Instead of scrolling social media, why not take that coffee outside or into a quiet area of your office building and spend a minute in silence, lifting your concerns to Jesus? You can also use these brief times to meditate (think about, mull over, pray through) a Bible verse.

How about Bible reading and memorization? What are the cracks of time in your day where you could incorporate this? During breakfast or lunch? Could you read a chapter of the Bible while you eat in place of scrolling your phone? How about in the school pickup line? What if you worked on memorizing a verse while sitting in the doctor’s office waiting room? Or in the line at the grocery store?

I’m the first one to say that I’m guilty of this - whenever we have a moment of free time or are stuck waiting for something, we go straight for our phones. We have a drive to entertain ourselves with the quick satisfaction we get from surfing social media, checking email, or playing a round of Candy Crush or Wordle. I have no doubt that it’s truly addictive. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to unwind, but I know I can tend to fill every extra moment with phone usage if I let myself.

How about you? What are some ways you incorporate spiritual disciplines into your life?

Praying in the cracks and chunks…

On this journey of becoming more like Jesus through replacing the lies in our lives with truth, nothing is more important than prayer. The Holy Spirit is our guide. God knows exactly why we struggle with what we do, where the lies came from, and how we should proceed to replace them with what is true. He also knows how to lead and guide us as the Gentle Shepherd so we’re not overwhelmed by all the things we wrestle with.

But I’m so busy! How do I find time to pray?

Prayer is just talking to God, and that can happen any time, anywhere. I would always feel intimidated and discouraged when I read about Christians who got up at 4am to pray for hours before the day started. If I tried that, all God would hear would be snores! No way could I stay awake. If that works for you - great! I DID pray at 4am while I was nursing one of my kids…

But for most of us in our season of life, 4am is not happening as a time for prayer. That’s OK. Giving yourself a guilt trip over it doesn’t help anything. What if instead, we found time throughout our day to pray? As we walk through the grocery store, or wash the dishes, or sit in a meeting at work? It can be as simple as,

“Father, thank you that You are here with me.”

“Lord, I need Your peace.”

“Please help me to not lose my temper!”

“You are good and holy and pure.”

“I want to know You more.”

I find that my walk with Jesus is better served by my spending short periods of time acknowledging His presence in my life throughout the day rather than trying to find one large chunk of time.

However, it is still helpful to take time to listen to what God has to say to us. That’s where times of silence and solitude come in. We’ll talk about those in the weeks to come. We do want prayer to be two-way communication. Sometimes He speaks to us through His Word as we’re reading, studying, memorizing, or hearing it preached. Other times He speaks through people in our lives (but always lining up with Biblical truth). Sometimes we feel Him nudge us in different directions as we make decisions throughout the day. The more “tuned in” we are to Him, the easier it will be to hear His voice.

If you like being creative, I have a resource to help you make a “Book of Hours”, which is a type of prayer journal to remind you to pray for different things and different groups of people at various times during the day. You can find it here.

How about you? When do you find cracks of time to pray? When do you find larger chunks of time to be still and listen?

Memorizing Bible verses to renew your mind

What are you looking at? What are you thinking about? What soundtracks are playing in your mind? If you’re anxious and stressed, or depressed and hopeless, your thoughts might be contributing to those feelings. My mind can get stuck on loops of stressing over things I can’t control, or simply don’t need to control. I dwell on what could go wrong, trying to plan for every possible contingency, “just in case”. To a degree, that can be helpful, but I think I take it too far.

What we think about feeds our emotions. What we’re looking at greatly affects how we feel. I’m not simply referring to the view from our home or office window, but what our minds are focusing on.

So how can we change what we’re looking at - what we’re thinking about?

“Set your mind on things above…” Colossians 3:2

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right... Think about such things” Philippians 4:8

God knows that what we think about sets the course for our lives. So if we want our lives to follow God and to embrace His peace and direction, we have to be thinking about Him. How do we do that?

Memorizing and meditating on Bible verses changes what we’re thinking about.

Memorizing isn’t easy, especially as we get older (at least that’s my experience). My brain is filled with so many other things and I’m so easily distracted that I have to work on memorizing the verse or verses sporadically throughout the day. If I only work on it in the morning when I read my Bible, the verse doesn’t stick in my memory.

But, that’s the point, right? To be thinking about God throughout the day? Absolutely! If I’m thinking about the verse I’m memorizing instead of all the things that I’m stressed about, it changes how I feel.

What does this practically look like in our modern culture?

1. Choose a verse or two that’s relevant to what you’re struggling with or need to remind yourself of. Here’s a great list of verses according to topic: https://dailyverses.net/topics Memorizing an entire chapter or paragraph is great, but I wouldn’t suggesting starting there. Start with just one or two verses.

2. Write it down on a note card. Yes, I’m going old school here, but there’s science that shows that the physical act of writing something helps our brains to understand and remember it. Note cards or index cards are handy because you can put them on your desk where you work, on your bathroom mirror, lay it on top of your phone to recite before you pick up your phone to check email or social media. You can put it in a purse to pull out when your in the grocery store line, in the doctor’s office, or the school pick up line.

3. Meditate on it. Don’t just say the words, but think about what they mean. Remember that this isn’t a legalistic box to check just to say you’ve done it. (I totally struggle with this!) The point is to get to know God better and to change what we think about. What does this verse mean? Can I picture some aspect of it in my head? If I were to illustrate it, how would I? Even if you’re not artistic, try drawing out what it makes you think of or how you would illustrate it.

Meditation in a Biblical sense is mulling the verse over in your mine and considering what it means, not to be confused with meditation related to eastern mysticism.

Try to review your verse a little bit at a time as you go throughout your day and see how it gradually transforms what you think about.

What could that look like for you? Do you memorize Bible verses? How do you work it into your day?

What are “spiritual disciplines”?

Have you ever tried to fix your posture? Mine is terrible. I slouch horribly as my default sitting position. When I start getting headaches and backaches, it reminds me that my body wasn’t designed to sit like that! So I sit up straighter like we’re supposed to, and it clearly feels better. I can tell that my body was designed for that position. And yet, it’s hard to maintain. My muscles aren’t used to sitting that way, even if it’s clearly better for my body. And so over time, I go back to my default slouch without even realizing it. Until some twinge of pain reminds me that I wasn’t designed to sit like that…

Our spiritual life is like that, isn’t it? We were designed to live according to God’s Word. It’s not easy, because our spiritual “muscles” aren’t used to it, but we know that it’s the best way to live. And yet we default back to what we’re used to and what’s comfortable. We need those reminders, sometimes the painful kind, that we’re trying to make life work apart from how it was designed to work.

What if there was a way to remind ourselves of God’s design for our lives through the day maybe before we get to the pain stage? A way to help gradually train ourselves for better spiritual “posture” and strengthen those muscles?

Spiritual disciplines are a great reminder system. How so? What are they, exactly? Let’s start with what they are not…

What are they NOT?

• Quick fixes

• Magic pills

• One time solutions to spiritual problems

• Outdated practices that have no reasonable application in our modern culture

• Legalistic boxes to check to prove our worthiness to God

What are they?

• Simple, ancient practices that can be applied in our modern culture

• Rhythms and practices that Jesus modeled

• Over time, they help us to draw close to God and mature in Christ

• Practices that help us to remember, throughout our day, of what walking with Jesus looks like.

The traditional, more widely accepted term is “spiritual disciples”, however I like the term “spiritual practices” much better. (However when you Google “spiritual practices”, you will come up with many non-Biblical, non-Christian practices. Not what I’m trying to communicate!)

“Disciplines” feels very stodgy, regimented, and unappealing. It also feels like something that should be mastered immediately and done a certain way. “Practices” sounds like something we… practice. We experiment. We try to find the best way to incorporate them into our lives. They are disciplines in the sense that they provide us with training, but practices in the sense that they don’t have to be done perfectly.

Specifically, we’re talking about:

• Bible reading

• Bible study

• Bible verse memorization

• Bible verse meditation

• prayer

• solitude

• silence

• service

• gratitude

• fasting

• reflection

This list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a great start! These practices all started with Jesus, so if He needed them in His life, then we certainly do. For us, they serve the purpose of giving us a little nudge throughout the the day to “fix our eyes on Jesus” (Hebrews 12:2). They remind us of His love for us and our purpose here on earth. They give us space to process how we’re living our lives and where we’re struggling. They turn our focus to others and how we can love and serve them. They can also reinforce the truth of God in our lives and rewrite the lies that we’ve believed.

Just like any other habit or routine, they work best when practiced consistently. When I teach guitar lessons, I always tell my students that I would much rather they practice 15 minutes a day consistently as opposed to cramming for 2 hours right before their lesson. Spiritual practices are the same way. It’s much more helpful to pick one and practice it in small chunks on a daily basis, rather than do nothing all week and then spend hours and hours on Sunday or some other day trying to “make up” for the time lost. It doesn’t work well that way.

Over the next few weeks, we’ll be looking at the different spiritual practices and ways that we can creatively apply them to our normal, everyday lives.

For now, is there one on that list that you’re curious about? Some that you practice already? Which one have you tried but never could make it work in your real life? I would love to hear!