What Worldview Did You Pick Up From Your Family?
Part 1: Are humans inherently good or bad?
How do you see the world? What do you believe about who we are, who God is and how life works? All of those beliefs make up your worldview. It’s the basic operating system that you understand yourself and those around you to be functioning in.
As a Christian, we have come to believe that God exists and that He’s intimately involved in the world. We believe that Jesus was God in the flesh, that He lived a perfect life, died on the cross to provide us forgiveness, and rose again.
When we trust Jesus as our Savior, does that instantly change all the things we have believed about the world? Does that undo any years of understanding the world differently that we learned from our family of origin? Not usually.
It’s helpful to look back over what our family of origin believed and whether we have carried any of those beliefs into our Christian faith.
One of the core beliefs that we need to sort out is the nature of human beings. Are we generally good or are we generally bad? What we believe about that seriously impacts how we live our lives, how we parent, our political leanings, etc.
The world around us tends to believe that human beings are generally inherently good. If we give them enough breaks and enough help in life, they will mostly make good, responsible decisions. There are a few bad humans, yes - the drug dealers, the murderers, the child molesters. But if they just are given enough direction and resources, they will change their ways.
The Bible says that we are inherently sinful human beings. We have been tainted by sin since Adam and Eve sinned. “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23) Romans 3:9-18 talks about how no one is righteous - not even one. Not everyone is as bad as he or she could be - not everyone is a murderer - but we all are inherently sinful. That’s why we have police forces, military, and laws with consequences if we break them. We need that external impetus to help keep us from making bad decisions. If there were no such thing as speed traps and and speeding tickets, how many people would follow the speed limit signs?
How does our belief about this impact our lives?
My family of origin believed that people are basically good. When my younger brother made poor choices and didn’t stick with things that he had committed to, my parents allowed him to bounce from one thing to the next without being forced to follow through with his commitments. As a result, he never had a true career and was still dependent on my father for money even into his 30s.
When he made worse choices (driving the family car onto the beach just for fun, drunk driving, getting physically violent with my parents, inviting friends to our house in the middle of the night, getting numerous women pregnant out of wedlock…) my parents didn’t follow through with consequences for those choices. They thought that he would grow out of it and eventually start making good choices. He just needed enough “breaks” in life and things would turn around.
He died several years ago in a drunk driving motorcycle accident. The consequences eventually caught up to him.
If we believe that people are inherently sinful, we implement consequences for poor decisions, just like God does. The Bible talks about the “law of sowing and reaping”.
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” (Galatians 6:7-8, NIV)
Reaping what you sow is a type of consequence. Plant good things and you get a good result. Plants weeds and you get weeds. When we rescue people too much from the consequences of what they’ve sown, we rob them of the lesson to learn and the encouragement to make better choices.
Paul told the Thessalonians that anyone who would not work, shouldn’t eat. There were consequences for their laziness.
“For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: ‘The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.’ We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the food they eat.” (2 Thessalonians 3:10-12, NIV)
Please hear me: This is not some Christianized version of karma. There are definitely times to show mercy and compassion, even when someone has made poor choices. God certainly does that for us. Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. (Romans 5:8) But when someone is unrepentant, has a track record of these poor choices and shows no interest in changing what they’re doing, perhaps the godly thing to do is to let them feel the consequences of those actions.
How about you? What did you learn from your family of origin about humans being inherently good or bad?
In your family, were there consequences for disobedience and poor choices?
Were there rewards for doing what is right and good?
How does the law of sowing and reaping look in your parenting? In your political leanings? In your workplace?
This topic overlaps into the idea of boundaries. One concept behind having healthy boundaries is that we don’t take on the consequences of other peoples’ poor choices, but whenever possible, allow those consequences to do the teaching they’re meant to do. If your teenage child gets a speeding ticket, do you have them pay for it? Or do you pay it for them? If they procrastinate in getting their homework done, do you help them get it in on time? If your younger child forgets to bring something somewhere that they are responsible for, do you turn back to get it? If your coworker doesn’t get their work done because they’re surfing social media, do you cover for them and finish their work for them?
You can read my other posts on boundaries here:
Serving God and Others with Healthy Boundaries
God allows us to suffer the consequences of our choices in order to lead us to Him. Those consequences lead us to live the way God designed us to live.
What beliefs about whether people are good or bad did you incorporate from your family of origin? Let me know in the comments.
What your conflicts with others say about your relationship with God
Think back to the last conflict you were involved in. Maybe it was an argument with your spouse or a disagreement with a friend, coworker or other family member. Imagine the scenario. What was your gut reaction? Your initial feelings?
Did you want to run and hide? Fight back? Defend yourself? Try to make peace as quickly as possible? Cater to the desires of the other person so the argument would be over?
I’ve been guilty of several of these reactions. When I was young and my parents had an argument, my mother would retreat upstairs to her bedroom (usually in tears) and my father would stand by the fireplace downstairs and read a magazine. Not exactly your picture of healthy conflict resolution.
Even though I was the child and not the parent, I found this situation unacceptable. I was very uncomfortable with unresolved conflict, so I stuck my nose in the mess and tried to play the peacemaker. I’d go talk to my mom and see what she was upset about. Then I’d go report that information to Dad and encourage him to go talk to her. They allowed me to play negotiator instead of telling me to butt out. Thankfully, I can’t imagine one of my own kids trying to do that now!
As an adult, I sometimes feel that desire to run from conflict like my mother did, but thankfully my husband insists on pursuing the issue until it’s resolved. My other tendency is to defend myself. When someone has a complaint about me, I explain why they shouldn’t have that complaint. I really had good reasons for why I did what I did so they shouldn’t be upset.
I have discovered the hard way that defending oneself does not lead to healthy conflict resolution. Quite the opposite - it tends to escalate the situation. Especially in marriage. Just saying.
Over the years, I have had to go back and process through WHY I get defensive. The healthy way to handle conflict would be to remain calm and consider objectively whether the other person has a legitimate complaint against you that you need to apologize for and change. Easier said than done, right?
But why? Why is it so hard for us to do that?
I believe it’s because of fear and insecurity. To admit that we have done something wrong is to admit that we are flawed. It requires humility but also a security in God’s love for us. If we doubt our security in Christ, then we are working hard to build up our security in something else - generally our own abilities and sense of worthiness. If we agree that we are not always right or that we do things that upset others, then that pokes holes in our shroud of security. It’s frightening and doesn’t feel safe, so we do things like fight back, run and hide or try to placate the offended person.
Those reactions don’t lead to healthy relationships.
They also don’t reflect a true understanding of God and a healthy relationship with Him.
What do we do about it?
I think one step is to look as objectively as possible about how you handle conflict and how you learned to handle conflict while you were growing up. As we talked about in an earlier post, a genogram can be a helpful tool in looking at this. One indicator of unhealthy conflict resolution is fractured relationships - marital strife or divorce, family members who refuse to speak to each other, or just a general feeling of animosity toward each other. You can track these fractured relationships through your family tree.
Another consequence of unhealthy conflict is unhealthy boundaries. Sometimes in our determination to make the conflict go away (flight instead of fight), we are willing to capitulate to whatever the other person wants. We don’t say ‘no’ or express our opinions because we know it will rock the boat. We might feel like that’s being the peacemaker and is an admirable quality, but it’s a false peace. It’s a fake mask of peace. True peace comes from working through a conflict in a healthy way and coming out with a resolution on the other side.
In your genogram, you can trace what you know of unhealthy boundaries as they relate to interpersonal conflicts.
Once you can see the patterns of how you learned to do conflict in an unhealthy way, take a look at what goes on in your soul during a conflict. Think about the last major conflict you were involved in. Journal about it. How did you feel? What were you afraid of? Why did you respond the way you did? What false beliefs about God do those responses point to?
Once you’ve identified false beliefs, you can begin to counter them with God’s truth. For me, I tended to feel like I was less valuable if I admitted that I was wrong. If I confessed my impure motives and my mistakes, then it would threaten the core of who I am. I had to dwell on the fact that God loves me unconditionally. He knows better than anyone that I’m a sinful person with selfish motives, I struggle wanting to be in control of every situation, and the list goes on. My husband also would very much prefer that I simply own whatever it was that I did so we can talk through it and move on. I’ve had to frequently remind myself that my ultimate worth was determined at the cross, not by any attempt at being perfect.
You are loved, even when you mess up. The road to healthy relationships is owning when you sin and resolving conflict with humility and grace. What step can you make in that direction today?
If you’d like to try using a genogram to trace some of these patterns in your family history, you can download my guide to using one here.
Using a Genogram to Understand Your Family’s Spiritual History
Have you ever wondered why you struggle with certain things? Why are you more prone to one sin rather than another? There may be many reasons, but a big one might have to do with your family history. You can call them generational sins, behavior-related medical conditions or ways of thinking and acting that you inherited or learned from your family of origin. Whatever their title, they get in the way of you growing more like Jesus.
One way to trace these issues is using a tool called a “genogram”. A genogram is like a family tree, but it uses specific symbols to trace more than just how one person is genetically related to another. It can be used to trace medical conditions, but also patterns of relational dysfunction, abuse or whatever other issues you want to trace.
I appreciate that it is so flexible and can be used to trace whatever is appropriate to helping you understand your family history. There are some of the basic symbols, but you also create your own to suit your needs.
The basic rules of genograms is that men are listed to the left and women to the right. When listing siblings, they’re put in birth order (regardless of gender) with the oldest to the left.
You can look here to see some of the other agreed upon basic rules:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genogram
So what does this have to do with our walks with God?
Patterns of behavior, unspoken beliefs and values, and ways of looking at things tend to be passed down and picked up by future generations, either purposefully or not. If we better understand what those things are, we can pay attention to whether they surface in our own lives. It gives us ideas of what lies or obstacles may be in our own lives, keeping us from living the abundant life that Jesus promised.
Let’s say you struggle with misusing alcohol and wonder why it’s such an issue with you. Or you find yourself tempted in that direction a lot and wonder why. You could use a genogram and trace alcoholism in your family back a couple of generations. You might find a disturbing trend. I’m not qualified to say if alcoholism is a medical disease, a learned behavior or some combination of both, (I tend to lean toward the combination theory) but if you see a strong family history of it, then you know to be careful.
What about relationships? With my genogram, I tracked strained or distant relationships between siblings in my own family. My brother and I were never close, my mother and her brother were never close, I don’t have strong relationships with very many in my extended family. To me, that was a clue that I have probably learned that distant extended family relationships are “normal”. My husband and I hope for better relationships between our own three children, so we have been very purposeful about encouraging them to stay close as they get older. We prioritize time together as a family and make sure that they treat each other well and spend time together.
You could track a history of unhealthy boundaries within families. My mother always complained that my grandmother kept “mothering” her far into her adult years. In turn, my mother tended to not let my brother suffer the consequences of his actions…
Broken relationships such as divorce or fractured sibling relationships or parent/child relationships could also prove enlightening. If there is a strong history of conflict, perhaps you need to look carefully at how you learned to handle conflict and arguments. You may have “inherited” unhealthy ways of dealing with those things.
Once you know what you’ve inherited, you can prayerfully work with the Holy Spirit to live closer to how God designed you to live.
Three Ways to Embrace God’s Love Throughout the Day
God loves you. If you’ve been a Christian for long or grown up in church, you’ve heard that in songs and sermons. It’s one of those phrases that we use so often that it can become very cliche and worn out. We get used to it.
When we don’t stop and think about what that actually means, it remains a theological, mental assent, but not a life changing truth and reality.
But, when we really embrace the truth of God’s unconditional love for us, it changes how we see ourselves, how we see others and how we approach life in general.
How do we do that? How do we embrace His love for us so that it changes us?
1. Meditate on verses that talk about God’s love for you.
Here are some verses to memorize:
“God is love.” 1 John 4:8b God IS love. Anything you thought was love before is a poor shadow, because God IS love. He embodies love, defines love.
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10
“But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” Psalm 86:15
There are many more, but these will make a good start. For tips on meditating on and memorizing Bible verses, read here.
2. Look back at your earthly father.
We tend to get our view of God, including a picture of His love for us, from our earthly father. Whether you grew up in a loving Christian home or with an abusive or absent father, I can guarantee one thing: your father wasn’t perfect - he couldn’t have been. In what ways did he show you truth about how God loves you versus untruth? Are there wrong beliefs about God that you have embraced because of your earthly father? Take some time to journal about your relationship with your father - how he responded to certain things, how affectionate (or not) he was with you.
If your father was unloving or distant, you may have to dwell a lot more on how God is love and will never turn you away. If your father abandoned you, you may need to dwell more on how God will never do that.
Regardless of how far your earthly father fell short, he did fall short and it’s important to acknowledge that and forgive him for it. Then move forward and embrace your Heavenly Father’s perfect love for you.
3. Recognize when you give in to fear and anxiety.
For me, one symptom of my forgetting God’s abundant love for me is when I start to give in to fear and anxiety. 1 John 4:18 says that “perfect love casts out fear”. If I am truly at home in God’s love for me, there really isn’t room for fear and anxiety. God is good, He loves me passionately and is in control. Much of my fear comes from feeling out of control but wanting to be in control. I’m really not in control over anything but myself and my choices.
So when my shoulders begin to tense so much that my shoulders almost touch my ears, I know it’s time to step back and embrace God’s love for me. When I’m constantly frustrated and annoyed, it’s time to take a deep breath and meditate on the verses that remind me what is true about God and how He feels about me.
It’s not a one time magic fix. Especially in certain seasons of life, it’s a lot of work to remind ourselves what is true and not give in to the messages being thrown at us all the time from our culture. But God’s Word is true, no matter what.
How about you? What helps you to embrace God’s unconditional love for you?
Why it’s Hard to be Vulnerable (and what helps)
Community. Vulnerability. We need each other.
Especially within the Body of Christ, it’s so important for us to be willing to be vulnerable with each other. It we can’t be ourselves with our brothers and sisters in Christ, then who can we be ourselves with?
Do you ever find yourself assuming that everyone else has it all together? That no one else struggles with feeling inadequate and out of place? That only you feel like you don't belong and you're different and weird?
Guess what - most other people feel the exact same way.
All those things you're thinking about you, they're thinking about them. They're not thinking about how weird and awkward you are - they're too busy thinking those things about themselves!
We all have tapes playing in our heads.
What are you thinking about when you go into a social situation? Imagine yourself walking into a room full of people - maybe a women’s social at church. Write down all the things that you’re thinking. Be brutally honest. Don’t edit or critique as you write - just write them down.
When you’re done, take a step back and read what you wrote. Are those things true? Probably not. You can’t read their minds - don’t assume that you know what they’re thinking. That’s not fair to them or you.
Where did those thoughts come from? Did you hear them growing up? They certainly aren’t coming from God… Perhaps we should stop listening to them and instead create new ones.
Most people aren’t thinking about you - they’re thinking about themselves.
Think about all those things that you’re telling yourself. Now imagine the most pretty, confident, “put together” person you can think of - maybe even the event MC, the main speaker or the worship leader. Chances are, she’s thinking the same things you are - about herself! Some people cover their feelings of insecurity with a confident, funny, bold exterior. That doesn't mean they don't struggle with feeling out of place and insecure. Other times they’ve made up their minds that they’re going to serve whether they feel uncomfortable or not.
How do we create new tapes to play in our heads?
Love people.
Instead of being concerned with what you think others are thinking about you, just focus on loving them.
Look for someone who seems to need a friend.
Listen.
Get to know them.
Ask questions.
Be there.
Be yourself - whatever that looks like. God made you uniquely for a reason. Rest in the fact that God loves you unconditionally.
Be vulnerable.
Don't be afraid to be honest. It will open doors for others to feel safe being vulnerable as well.
You just might find some kindred spirits who feel just like you do!
What do you do to be more confident being vulnerable and authentic around others?
The Benefits of Asking Yourself Why You Do What You Do…
Do you ever ask yourself WHY you do what you do? Why do you struggle and sin in the areas you do? Why do you get anxious? Fearful? Angry? Depressed? What makes you excited? Encouraged?
Many times the things going on in our lives that we see on the surface are just that - on the surface. If you want to change what’s on the surface, you might first have to look at what’s causing it under the surface.
One effective way to uncover what’s behind our actions and emotions is to ask ourselves “Why?”
I like using a journal to do this. My brain gets too tied up in knots and distracted if I just think about these things. I get lost down rabbit holes and side tracks. When I write down my conversation with myself and God, it keeps me on task and focused. There’s something powerful about writing it down.
I have struggled in the past (and sometimes in the present!) with being a “people pleaser”. I want people to be happy with my choices and decisions and what I can do for them. But that’s not a very healthy way to live. It’s impossible to please everyone and God is really the only One we need to be concerned about pleasing.
I spent time journaling about why I felt this way. Why did I care what others thought? Why was I so concerned about the impression I was making on them? Why did I care if they liked me? What did I think would happen if I didn’t make them happy?
It was a process, but over time I realized that some of it came from things I learned in my family growing up. I had experienced that love was conditional. Even though I intellectually know that God loves me unconditionally, I needed to get that truth deeper than my head. Once you uncover the lie - in my case it was that God’s love is conditional - then you can work to replace that lie with truth from God’s Word.
Romans 12:2 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”
Asking “why” helps us to understand the ways in which we are conformed to the pattern of the world. Then we can instead be transformed into being more like Jesus.
Journaling prompts:
1. What’s one area of sin and struggle that you are having trouble finding victory in?
2. Take some time and journal about WHY you do whatever is that you’re having trouble with. Ask yourself questions about it. Is there a lie you’re believing about yourself or God underneath? Is it something you learned growing up? If you were talking with a counselor about this, what do you think he or she would ask you?
Why Take Time to Reflect?
To reflect is to think carefully about something. To look back and process life instead of just letting it happen to us. When we take the time to reflect on our lives, we can see patterns, find where things frustrate us, and look for ways to change our reactions and decisions. When we fail to stop and understand ourselves, we will be stuck in the same patterns of unhealthy behavior and sin.
We sin because we’re human, yes. We inherited our sin nature from Adam and Eve. However, our sinful actions come from within, from parts of us that have been damaged. Lying isn’t just about lying. We lie for a reason. Maybe because we’re trying to protect ourselves or we fear facing the truth. We need to confess the lie, but if we really want to be able to change, we need to understand why we lie and find the deeper issue that we need to repent of.
Rage, gossip, sexual immorality, pride, deception, drug or alcohol abuse, whatever the sin is, there’s a deeper issue involved. There’s a lie we’re believing about ourselves or about God. There’s something we learned in our childhood that isn’t true. There’s some deeply held belief that is the underlying cause. We need to confess the expression of that sin, but we also need to understand what’s going on underneath the surface of our lives and let God heal the real issue.
Jesus is the light of the world (John 8:12) and He calls us to live in the light. When we uncover the reasons for our sin, we’re bringing those things into the light so God can heal them and change them.
Taking the time to reflect helps us to peel back the layers to see WHY we do what we do. We can try to just change our behavior, but it really doesn’t work. Unless you change the REASON for the behavior, you won’t see lasting change and an abundant life in Christ.
So how do we do this? Many of the earlier spiritual disciplines I’ve talked about, such as solitude, reflecting before bed, Sabbath and prayer create the space for reflection.
Once you have the space, start asking yourself some questions. Writing them down in a journal is a great way to process life. Ask yourself what went well during your day and what didn’t go so well. If you’re feeling frustrated, ask yourself what you’re frustrated about and why. Have a conversation on paper. No one ever has to read it. Many times I don’t understand why I’m feeling the way I do until I ask. Sounds silly, I know! But try it.
If you’d like some more guidance on journaling, download my free “Spiritual Growth Journaling Guide”. You can also get weekly journaling prompts in my newsletter.
When do you take the time to reflect? In the morning? Before bed? During a Sabbath time? How do you find it most helpful to reflect?
3 Keys to Practicing Solitude
“Early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where He prayed.” Mark 1:35
That’s great for Jesus, but we live in the 21st century. Things work differently now. I get up early enough as it is. Solitude? No way. Won’t work.
It’s easy to feel that way, I know! We look at the life of Jesus and think that there’s no way we can live like He did. After all, He lived in first century Middle East as a Jewish rabbi under Roman occupation. He walked around the countryside, homeless, preaching and healing people. It can be hard to find the 21st century application to His lifestyle!
However, are we called to try and copy His exact lifestyle? I don’t think so. When we accept Jesus as our Savior, the Holy Spirit comes to live within us. (Ephesians 1:13-14) God lives through us. So the question isn’t, “How can I copy Jesus’s lifestyle?” but rather, “How would Jesus live my life today?” What would it look like for Him to live in the 21st Century?
When we look at the practice of solitude, think about the underlying principle of what Jesus valued. He knew He needed time alone, away from all the busyness, to spend time with His Heavenly Father in prayer. If He needed that, then I certainly do! What my time alone looks like might be different, though. Let’s look at some creative ways to take Jesus’s practice and bring into our reality.
Does it have to be early?
Over the years, Christians have put early morning prayer time up on a pedestal as the “right” way or the “spiritual” way to spend time with God. There’s some Biblical basis in that - Jesus went out very early in the morning, according to the Mark passage above. Some Psalms talk about meeting with God in the morning. (Psalm 90:14, 46:5, 143:8) We also read stories of great Christians who got up before dawn to pray.
I can see there is a benefit to talking to God first before getting distracted by the day and doing all the things. But if you’re not a morning person or you’re a mom of young kids or you work second or third shift, that might not work for you.
Keep in mind that with both Jesus and many of the historical “great Christians”, they lived before electricity and probably went to bed much earlier than we do today.
When does it make sense for you?
The thing with creating habits, which is really what we’re doing here, is that the easier it is to incorporate into our lives, the more likely we are to follow through and be consistent. With spiritual practices, the point is consistency. If you look at your schedule and decide that in order for it to be worth it to practice solitude, you have to set your alarm for 4am after going to bed at 11pm, how likely is that to become a consistent practice for you? You might do it once or twice, then give up altogether because you can’t do it. Then you’re back where you started - not practicing it at all.
How about instead, try to find reasonable periods of time in your day where you can implement some solitude without reworking your entire life? You’re much more likely to follow through if you start small. It can always grow from there.
Here are some suggestions for when and where to practice solitude:
In the shower
In the car on the way to work - turn off the radio
Take a walk alone during your lunch break
Take an evening walk alone
Step outside or into your car for a few minutes during a break time
OK, I’m alone. Now what?
We’re so used to being surrounded by people and activity that when we finally get alone and quiet it can be hard to figure out what to do!
Breathe. Nothing weird and mystical, just take a few deep breaths. When I struggle with anxiety, I’m amazed at how far a few deep, slow breaths go in helping me to relax.
Relax your shoulders, or whatever part of you usually carries tension.
Thank God for His presence with you. Recognize that He is with you, sitting next to you in your car, standing with you on your deck, walking with you through the neighborhood. Use your imagination and imagine Him with you.
Talk to Him about what’s on your mind. Pray about the things that concern you or that you’re happy about. Praise Him for His ability and desire to handle those things for you. Lay your worries at His feet.
You could read some Scripture, too, if you’re not driving. ;)
Then just be still. Quiet. Listen. Ask Him to speak to you.
Remember that the more simple you keep it, the more likely you are to be consistent. The goal is to practice making space for God in our everyday lives and connect with Him.
How about you? Have you practiced solitude? What worked well and what didn’t?
Easter Answers the Question of Your Worth
What does Easter mean to you? How does it impact you?
This Easter, one of the things I’m focusing on is how Jesus’s death on the cross answered the question of my worth and value once and for all.
One of the core lies that can keep us from living abundantly in Christ is the lie that our value comes from what we do and the people who love us. I’ve done my time living as a “people-pleaser”, hoping that if everyone is happy with me, then that means I’m worthy and valuable.
However, that’s no way to live, nor is it true or possible. We can never make everyone happy with us. (Try being in leadership of an organization during a pandemic - then you REALLY can’t make everyone happy with you!!) Saying yes to everyone is exhausting and not good for you or them.
When we realize that our ultimate value and worth comes from God’s love for us, demonstrated on the cross, then we can find security. We are worth Him dying for us! We can be free to say no when we need to say no. When someone isn’t happy with us, it isn’t as devastating because we know that nothing can separate us from the love of God. (Romans 8:38-39) We can let down our guard and deal with the junk in our lives that needs to be dealt with because no matter what, God loves me and accepts me because of Jesus.
One thing that has helped me dwell on my value to God is to remind myself that I am His daughter. I think all the time about God being my Father, which is true and good. That focuses on who God is to me. But recently, I’ve felt God reminding me that I am His daughter. Same thing, but a different angle. That has a different ring to it. It’s more personal.
I belong to Him.
Understanding our worth to God is one of the foundations to a healthy soul. You didn’t evolve. You aren’t a mistake or a random result of chance.
God CREATED you.
On purpose.
He knows you.
He loves you.
He has chosen you.
You are His child.
He died for you.
Have you made the choice to follow Him? To ask Him to apply His death on the cross to your sin? If you’re not sure about this, take a look here where I explain it further.
May you rest and celebrate this weekend that you are loved by your Creator and Father.
Five Steps to Start a Spiritual Discipline
One of the purposes of spiritual practices is to create space in our busy, hectic lives for God to speak to us. They’re an opportunity to step away from the crazy and quiet ourselves enough to hear God’s voice.
So where do we start? If you haven’t practiced any of these before, it can feel intimidating and overwhelming. Here are 5 simple steps to begin a spiritual practice and experience the abundant life that Jesus promises.
1. Choose one practice to introduce
There are many spiritual disciplines, but the ones I’m talking about here are the following:
Sabbath
Pauses during the day
Journaling
Examen (reflection before bed)
Don’t get too excited and decide to suddenly include all of them in your life. (That’s always my tendency!) You have a much greater chance of sticking with it if you just pick one at a time. Which one are you most likely to consistently practice? Which one do you think would benefit you the most right now?
2. Commit to practicing it for 30 days
Spiritual practices take, well, practice. They also take discipline. You’re probably not going to do it once and have an amazing revelation. Maybe, but think more over the long haul. Decide on practicing it for a full 30 days before deciding how it works for you or giving up.
3. Don’t expect fireworks
As I explained in number 2, it takes time. We have to learn how to quiet all the noise in our minds and hearts. That takes practice! Practice itself is progress.
4. Pick a consistent time and place
One way to keep a practice consistent is to do it at the same time each day and in the same place each day. It helps to train our minds that when we (for example) step out on the deck at 10am, that it’s time to take a deep breath and give God all the things that have been making us anxious. Or when I sit at my desk in the morning with my coffee after hubby leaves for work, I know it’s time to journal and process things with the Lord. Our sense of smell is also a powerful memory trigger, so consider including a scented candle as part of your practice.
5. Be expectant and faith-filled
Trust that God will meet you as you honor Him by creating space in your life to focus on Him. It will take you time to quiet all the noise, but trust that God wants to meet with you and shine His light on the areas of your life that are hindering you from living abundantly in Him.
I would love to hear how it goes! Which practice will you start?
Try the Examen - Reflect on the Day
What do you do before you go to bed? What’s your routine? Do you have one or do you just crash onto the pillow and pass out?
I’m not naturally a reflective person. I tend to look forward not back. But over time I have learned that it’s important to look back and reflect, both over the long term and short term.
This next spiritual practice combines both reflection and my favorite thing: journaling. The practice has a fancy Latin name - Examen. The word means what you would guess it means: examine, to look at something closely. The idea is that you take just a few minutes at the end of your day to answer a few questions in reflection.
Examen Questions
1. Where did I see God at work today? Where did I see Him work in my life?
2. What am I thankful for?
3. What did I feel today? Emotions are not our dictator of truth. However, they can be good pointers toward things going on in our lives. What made me angry? Frustrated? Happy? What things seemed to cause those emotions and how can I make adjustments to my life to ease things like anger and frustration and encourage happiness, joy and contentment?
4. Pick one aspect of the day and pray about it.
5. Look to tomorrow and pray about anything that concerns you or you’re anxious about. Lay it in God’s hands.
Find a Time and Place
One challenge I have in doing this is that I forget. Or I don’t remember until I’m laying in bed with the lights off and the last I want to do is get up and pull out a journal and write things down that I have to think about. One solution is to obviously move the practice to a bit earlier in my evening. Maybe as part of getting ready for bed.
It’s also helpful to have a set place to do this. I start my day at my desk, reading the Bible and journaling. It makes sense to end my day there, also. You could also do this while laying in bed. I generally try to make things as easy and convenient for myself as possible so that I’m more likely to do it. A journal and pen next to the bed is another good option.
As with most journaling, I recommend paper and pen rather than doing it digitally. There’s something about physically writing that makes us slow down and really think. Besides, screens right before bed won’t help you sleep!
Benefits
Why do all this? What are the benefits of reflecting on the day? Paying attention is always a good thing. Maybe you realize you’re getting frustrated every day around dinner time because the kids are bouncing off the walls. Maybe it’s time to start a new routine for them that will give them something more productive to do. Looking back on the day also helps us recognize where God is working in our lives and prompts is to be thankful.
I also found that when I started doing this, my reflections about the day began with me reciting all the things that I hadn’t done as well as I thought I should have. I had to step back and ask why I was so critical of myself. I started focusing more on what had gone well instead of what I didn’t like. It helped to change my attitude about myself.
How about you? Do you reflect on your day? How might you incorporate the Examen or some version of it into your life?
Worship - More than a Song?
Worship is prayer, but with a different focus. When I wrote about prayer last week, it was mainly referring to what we also call “intercession” - prayer for other people. Worship is praising God for who He is.
In some respects, worship is how we live our lives. When we live as God designed us to live, that’s worship. We’re acknowledging that how God made us to live is the best way.
There’s another aspect to worship, though, that falls more into the category of a practice. It’s taking time purposefully to praise God for who He is. His character. Not necessarily what He’s done for you, although that’s always good, too.
Thanksgiving = thanking God for what He has done
Worship = praising God for who He is
Being thankful is another spiritual practice that we’ll talk about another week.
Worship helps to keep everything in perspective. It reminds us that God is huge beyond our comprehension. It’s a reminder that He is able to do anything. It realigns everything in its proper order.
Going through our days, it’s easy to get life out of perspective. After all, what’s in front of us is what we see - going grocery shopping, working, raising the kids, dealing with this crisis or that one. Whatever is in front of us becomes the largest thing. It gets magnified out of proportion to its actual size.
Worship brings everything back in its proper place and its correct size. My problems are really not very big when I see how big God is.
How do we incorporate this practice into our lives?
Make space to worship.
Church services are one place where this happens. Singing songs about God’s character is one way and time to worship. One of my challenges in this setting is to stay focused on God, not the song! I like music and I enjoy singing. I have to discipline myself not to get caught up in finding a new harmony or in watching how much fun the drummer is having or wondering how the guitar player figured out that lead line. I find it helpful to close my eyes and really focus on what the words of the songs are saying. Some days are harder than others!
Church is definitely not the only place and time to worship, though. Take time throughout the day to praise God for who He is. Getting out in God’s creation, even if it’s just out my back door and onto the deck, helps me worship. From the intricate design of a flower or the orderliness of a colony of ants to the incredible vastness of the universe - God’s creation leads us to worship Him when we take the time to stop and look.
Let the Bible guide you
Most of the Psalms are basically worship song lyrics. Let them guide you in worship.
Psalm 8, 19, 29, 33, 34, 111, 113, 135, 144-150 are just a few that focus on God’s character. We can pray through them and let them remind us of who God is.
Your posture can help
Sometimes it’s helpful to have our physical posture reflect our heart attitude in worship. Bowing or kneeling can help us remember who we are and who God is. Our lives belong to Him.
What leads you to worship? What helps you slow down and focus on the character of God?
Prayer - Making it a Meaningful Habit
We don’t have to look very far into the life of Jesus to see that He did a lot of praying. If the Son of God needed to pray and connect with His Heavenly Father, how much more do we! In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, Paul commands us to “Pray continually”. How does that work?
How do we incorporate prayer into our busy lives?
Sometimes we hear about the “saints of old” who would get a up at 4am and pray for hours on end. We think there’s no way we could do that, get discouraged, and throw the whole thing out the window. I used to be more of a morning person than I am now, but even years ago, there was no way I would be able to get up at 4am to pray and actually stay awake!
I read something recently that cast those stories in a new light. Most of those stories took place before electricity so people went to bed when the sun went down! If I went to bed at 6pm, it would be much easier to wake up at 4am! So don’t be intimidated and discouraged.
Why else is prayer hard?
1. We can’t see God, so sometimes it feels like we’re talking to the ceiling.
2. It doesn’t feel like it accomplishes anything.
3. Just like the other spiritual practices, it can easily become rote and meaningless.
4. It’s easy to become distracted by the everyday things of life.
How can we overcome those obstacles?
1. Imagine Jesus sitting in the room with you. He is everywhere, right? That includes your living room, or kitchen table or car. Use your imagination, grounded in God’s Word, to help you visualize Jesus next to you listening. When I pray, I try to remember to take a moment to be still and recognize that God is right here with me. My prayers don’t need to get beyond the ceiling, because God is closer than that.
2. Our feelings aren’t the final deciders of truth. Just because we don’t “feel” like our prayers do much, that doesn’t mean it’s true. There are many Biblical examples of how prayer actually changed God’s mind and His actions! God wouldn’t tell us to do something if there wasn’t a reason. Prayer changes others and it changes us. When I pray for an acquaintance I’m feeling critical of, I grow in compassion for them. If you need reminders of examples of God promising to work as a result of prayer, take a look at Mark 11:24, James 5:16, 1 John 5:14-15, and Luke 18:1-8.
3. There’s a tension in making spiritual practices into habits. The idea of a habit is that we don’t think about it - we just do it. It takes the decision out of it, and therefore requires less brain power and is more likely to get done. Spiritual practices already have the tendency to become rote acts - the ends in and of themselves. Doing that defeats the purpose. Spouting off repeated, memorized prayers that don’t mean anything to you personally doesn’t serve any purpose. It’s an empty religious act.
“And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” Matthew 6:7-8
We need to keep the meaning and purpose in prayer. But if we mix it up to keep it fresh too much, then it’s no longer a habit and we risk forgetting to do it…
One solution is to make the act and timing of prayer a habit, but not the prayer itself. Maybe you pray first thing in morning, or while you’re in the shower, or during the commute to work or while you’re in the school pickup line. Make it a habit to pray at that time. But when you pray, pray about what comes to mind, pray for the people you see or have run into, pray for your kids and spouse.
4. Distraction is really our biggest obstacle to overcome in any kind of spiritual practice. The things of life relentlessly move forward and demand our attention. Our phones beep and buzz and interrupt us constantly. How do we deal with all of that?
I suggest using your phone as your ally instead of your enemy. I’m not sure how practical it is to think that we can beat our culture, but we can use aspects of it to our advantage. If we’re trained to respond to our phones when they beep and buzz, then set alarms on it to remind you to pray! There’s an app called “One Minute Pause” which can be helpful. You can also just set alarms on your phone to go off at whatever intervals you find helpful to remind you to pray.
Another resource that I have found useful and fun is called a “Book of Hours”. I enjoy taking ancient spiritual practices (as long as they’re grounded in God’s Word!) and bringing them forward into our modern culture. A “Book of Hours” was a medieval prayer and devotion book. It was handwritten and beautifully illustrated. It sometimes included Bible verses, prayers and devotions that were meant to be read and prayed at different times of the day.
I first learned about the idea through a novel by T. Davis Bunn called “The Book of Hours”. It’s a fun read if you enjoy fiction. I researched the history of the actual Book of Hours a bit and decided to create my own version. It’s a creative way to pray for different needs throughout the day.
If you would like to create your own “Book of Hours”, I have a free tutorial here.
Prayer is just talking with God, whether you’re worshipping Him for who He is, thanking Him for what He has done or interceding for yourself or others and their needs.
What ways have you found to incorporate prayer into the rhythm of your life?
Spiritual Practices - Reading and Studying the Bible
Spending time reading and studying the Bible is so foundational to our Christian faith that it hardly falls into the category of a spiritual practice. Spiritual practices are tools to help us grow in our faith and the Bible definitely helps us do that, but it’s so much more.
Nevertheless, I’ll include it here anyway. How you best “take in” God’s Word somewhat depends on your personality and how you’re wired.
I think there are two important basic components that are helpful to practice:
Reading/listening to the Bible - the actual words - for yourself.
Study - either done by you or by another, both personally and in community
About #1: I know devotion books are popular and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with them, but it’s important to spend time reading the actual words from the Bible in their context and not ONLY devotion books like “Our Daily Bread” or “Jesus Calling”. [I am personally not a fan of the “Jesus Calling” books at all. I’m very uncomfortable with how she puts words in Jesus’ mouth and says they’re for us.]
My hubby, whose walk with God I greatly respect, loves “Our Daily Bread”. He likes it because it has him read verses from all over the Bible that he might not otherwise read. But he also reads through whole books of the Bible at a time and “digests” it himself rather than relying solely on the devotion writer’s insights.
My personal preference is to just read the Bible using a reading plan of some sort or just deciding on a different book per month to work through.
Another option is to listen to the Bible. Some of us are more auditory processors and enjoy listening to the Bible being read to them. That can be a great option if you commute to work or like to listen while you work out or take a walk.
For #2, your local church is your main resource. I believe it’s very important for every Christian to be involved in a Bible preaching, Christ-centered church. I know the pandemic has complicated things, but most churches can be listened to online. Be consistent in listening to your pastor preach. Get involved in a small group. Use your gifts to serve others.
Beyond your local church, or if for some reason you aren’t connected to one, there are lots of other resources. You can study the Bible yourself. There are also online studies and books you can purchase that will lead you through studying a portion of Scripture. Beth Moore and Kelly Minter are a couple of my favorites.
If you like listening to things, there are also a number of podcasts that teach through the Bible.
I’ve put together some of my favorite resources - reading plans, websites on how to study the Bible, podcasts, audio Bible apps - in a free pdf you can download. Take a look here. I hope you find them helpful!
How do you incorporate Bible reading and study into your life?
Spiritual Practices - Bible Memorization and Meditation
In last week’s blog I talked about how to grow in our faith. Trying harder doesn’t work. We need to back up and change what we’re putting into our lives. Change the inputs in order to get a better output. Spiritual practices are some of those inputs.
When we’re talking about spiritual practices, we really have to start with the Bible. It’s the Word of God, His love letter to us and our source of ultimate truth. It outlines who God is, who we are and how He has designed us to live in the world.
If we want to replace the lies of the world and our own pasts with the truth, spending time getting to know the Bible is definitely the first, middle and last step.
This week, we’ll talk about two ways of interacting with the Bible - memorizing verses and meditating on them.
Memorizing
Why memorize Bible verses when I can just Google them? First, when you memorize verses, they become planted in your mind - no need to search for them. When the Holy Spirit wants to remind you of them, they’re readily available.
Second, in the process of memorizing, you’re likely doing the other practice I mentioned - meditating. You’re turning it over in your mind and thinking about it as you go about your day. In order to memorize the verse, you have to think about what the words mean and how they apply to your life.
One thing to keep in mind when memorizing verses is that it’s very important not to take the verses out of context. We can go down many a wrong path by just looking at one verse on a topic and not reading the surrounding verses and chapters.
Choose verses that relate to what you’re dealing with. When I’m stressed or anxious about things, many times I focus on Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, for he trusts in You.” Put truth into your life to replace the lies.
Meditating
The idea of meditating has gotten a bad rap in the Christian world because it’s become associated with Eastern or New Age mysticism. That’s NOT what the Bible is talking about. Meditating in an Eastern mystical way involves emptying your mind. Biblical meditating is filling your mind with God’s truth. Think about the verses you’re memorizing. What do the words mean? How do they apply to your life? With the verse in Isaiah, I was thinking about what “steadfast” really means. How do I keep my mind steadfast? What does that look like?
I also think about meditating when I read about Mary after the shepherds came to visit Jesus shortly after His birth. “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19) She was meditating on what they said.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 talks about how God’s Word should be part of our everyday lives. It should be written on our hearts and something we talk about as we go through our days. That’s memorizing and meditating on it.
Where to start?
If you’re interested in diving into these spiritual practices, or maybe reviving them if you haven’t done them for a while, where do you start? You can download my free tips on creative ways to memorize and meditate on Scripture. I've included a set of verse cards to get you started. They are verses that talk about who God is and how He cares for us. Print them out and cut them into individual cards. Choose one to start with and keep it with you throughout the day so you can work on memorizing it and meditating on it as you live life. There’s also a set of blank ones where you can write in your own verses. Download them here.
Let me know how it goes! I hope you find this helpful!
“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against You.” Psalm 119:11
Spiritual Practices - the Path to Growth
Last week we talked about how trying harder to grow in our faith doesn’t work. Usually that “trying harder” involves just changing our actions. That tends to not work because we’re only dealing with the symptoms and not the causes. We need to back up and look at what we’re thinking about and what things we’re putting into our lives. If we want a different output, we need to change the inputs. You can read that post here.
OK, so what’s the answer? How do we change what we think about and use different “inputs”? Spiritual practices. Sometimes they’re called spiritual disciplines or spiritual habits, but it’s all the same thing.
They serve a couple of purposes. First, spiritual practices provide the right inputs into our lives. God’s Word, prayer, time alone with Him - they all are putting the truths into our lives that work to replace the lies that we believe. They affect what we’re thinking about, which in turn changes what we love and what we do.
Second, spiritual practices provide, well, practice. We don’t run a marathon by simply getting up one morning and running a marathon. We practice and slowly increase our endurance. We don’t lift heavy weights by just trying to lift them over and over. We practice first on lighter weights until we are strong enough to lift heavier weights. Spiritual practices help us to gradually grow in the different qualities that bring us in line with how designed us to live.
What are spiritual practices? These are some things that historically are considered spiritual practices, and rightly so:
reading and studying the Bible
prayer
fasting
solitude
giving
meditation (on God’s Word)
service
simplicity
rest/Sabbath
I don’t believe that’s an exhaustive list. I also think the application of these things can vary depending on your needs. Fasting, for example, is traditionally not eating any food for a period of time. That can be valuable. However, fasting from social media is also helpful and might be a good periodic practice. Fasting from desserts, from expensive coffee drinks, or fasting from watching TV could also be helpful.
But before we talk about application too much, let’s back up and look at the “why” of spiritual practices. We humans have this large tendency to become legalistic. We take “practices” and make them hard and fast rules. These practices are a means to an end, not the end itself. It’s easy to say that we fasted or read our Bible or prayed, so we’re good - we did the things and fulfilled our spiritual duty. When we take that attitude, we miss the point entirely. Spiritual practices are a vehicle. The destination is a closer walk with Jesus. We run into problems when we see the vehicle as the destination.
When you decide to implement a spiritual practice into your life, think about ways to keep it fresh. Remind yourself that the practice is meant to draw you closer to God.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be talking more about different spiritual practices and what they might look like today in our practical, everyday lives.
Which spiritual practices have you found to be most helpful? Which ones do you want to learn more about? Leave your answer in the comments.
Why trying harder to grow in your faith doesn’t work. And what does.
Humans are complicated. We don’t even understand ourselves much of the time. We have hidden motives that push us toward acting a certain way. There are “tapes” that play in our heads from things we grew up with that provide a silent undercurrent, drawing us in a certain direction almost without our realizing it.
I’ve been learning more about how what we think affects what we love and how we act. I listened to an excellent podcast where John Mark Comer was interviewed about spiritual disciples. He mentioned the same idea that what we think about affects what we love. You can listen to the whole podcast here.
We’re trying to grow in our faith and become more like Jesus. What we do is based on what we love. What we love is based on what we think about. Therefore, when we want to change our actions, we should back up and think about what we think about.
One way that western Christians tend to look at spiritual growth is to simply try harder to do the things that Jesus taught. Try harder to be loving, to forgive, to be patient, to be generous. Does that work? Maybe for a little while, but it doesn’t bring lasting change. Willpower will only get us so far. That’s why New Year’s resolutions are so pointless, by the way.
I believe that in order to really see lasting change in our lives, we need to go much deeper than trying to change the surface actions that we do. We need to look at the “why’s” of our actions and go down to the core beliefs that fuel those actions. If you’re not getting any hot water in your second floor faucet, the real problem isn’t usually the faucet - it’s probably in the basement with the water heater.
We frequently try to do this growth and change thing backwards. We look at our actions and try to change them. But our actions are just an outward expression of what’s inside. Jesus said that “the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” Luke 6:45. He also told the Pharisees to stop worrying about cleaning the outside of their cups when the inside was dirty.
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.” Matthew 23:25
The Pharisees focused on outward behavior - did everyone eat what they were supposed to and not eat the bad stuff, or did they “not work” on the Sabbath as the 10 Commandments specified. They added rules to what was in the Bible just to make sure that no one came close to violating what was in there. All focused on external behavior. Do we do the same things? Is my dress appropriate? I can’t swear or smoke or yell at my kids in public. Are we on time to church and look all put together?
We have it all backwards. The actions are just the end of the trail. If we really want to change our actions we need to back up. Way up.
We generally do what we want to do. Yes, you may not have wanted to go to work this morning, or may not have wanted to shovel the driveway or mow the lawn, but you want a paycheck, you want to be able to drive out of your driveway and you don’t want your neighbors to shake their heads at you because your grass is 2 feet tall.
When you have free time, you do what you want. You watch on TV what you want, you play that game you want, or read that book you want. We yell at our kids because we’re angry and we want to yell. We flip off that slow driver because we’re frustrated and we want to. We swear at our spouse because we want to. We don’t want to read our Bible and pray, so we don’t. We don’t love going to church, so we don’t.
Our desires and love fuel our actions. And our actions make up our life.
OK, so if we want to change our actions, we need to change what we desire and what we love. How do we do that? In John Mark Comer’s interview that I referenced earlier, he said that we need to “curate” our desires. I thought that was an interesting word to choose. The dictionary.com definition of curate is to “pull together, sift through, and select for presentation”.
What are you thinking about right now? What were you thinking about before you started reading this blog post? Why were you thinking what you were thinking? Were you thinking about politics and the state of the world? If so, you were probably thinking about that because you read a news article or listened to a radio show or broadcast about it. Were you thinking about your grocery list? A recent fight with your spouse? The TV show you watched last night?
We think about things that we’ve been putting into our minds. In the Comer interview, when he suggests “curating” our desires, we do that by being selective about what we put into our minds. What do we watch on TV? What do we read? Where do we go when we surf our phones? What news articles do we read and how many of them do we read?
If we want to grow in our faith, we need to follow Paul’s command in Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.”
What we think about will affect what we desire. What we desire will affect what we do. What we do makes up our lives.
One way that we curate our desires is through spiritual practices or disciplines. More on that next week.
How will you “curate” your desires today? How will you change what you allow into your life in order to change what comes out?
Practice Peace
The other day on Facebook and Instagram, I talked about how in order to change and grow spiritually, we can’t just try harder. Any more than I can curl 50 pounds by just trying harder. I need to practice. Work out. Lift smaller weights until I build up muscle enough to lift more.
Growing spiritually is the same way. We can’t expect to try harder and suddenly be more patient, more kind, more loving or more peaceful. We have to practice. Work out the patience muscle and the love muscle. Practice patience in the grocery store line and while on hold with the insurance company. Practice loving your spouse and your kids.
You’ve got to love it when you teach or write about something and then right away God gives you an opportunity to make sure you’re practicing what you preach!
Anxiety is something that surfaces in my life and peace can be hard to come by sometimes. And yet Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
I’ve also been looking at the importance of what we think about. Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” There’s that connection to what we think about. God will keep us in perfect peace when our minds are steadfast. What we think about matters!
How can I practice peace? In my own life, a situation arose recently that wasn’t a huge deal in itself, but it had possible negative ramifications down the road. I found myself thinking about all the “what ifs” and my anxiety grew fairly quickly.
There are some “what ifs” that need to be addressed. It’s wise to plan for different contingencies so that we’re prepared with a solution if they arise. But I know for me, I go beyond reasonable contingency planning. I take “what ifs” way down the road to things that may never happen. I’m no longer trying to plan for a solution, but I’m doing the thought life version of “doom scrolling”. That certainly does not lead to peace.
In order to practice peace and practice being anxious for nothing, we have to keep a rein on our thoughts. Don’t allow the “what ifs” to go beyond reasonable planning for contingencies. When I found my mind spiraling down that path recently, I got alone with God and laid the whole situation at His feet. I surrendered it to Him and reaffirmed that He is Lord over my schedule and my plans and all that happens. I would trust the future to Him.
Memorizing Scripture can be a good way to put a halt to the mental doom scrolling and focus on something more positive. I sometimes stop and recite Psalm 23 in my mind as a counter to all the “what ifs”. That gives my mind something much better to think on.
What do you do to practice peace? How do you prevent yourself from “mental doom scrolling”?
3 Steps to Overcoming Generational Sin
What is generational sin?
For many of us, there are things we learned from our family of origin - ways of thinking, beliefs about God, ourselves and others, and ways of reacting to certain situations - that are not in line with the truth in God’s Word. Those things were taught to us, either directly or indirectly, and we are likely to teach them to our own families.
In Christ, we can break the line of generational sin that gets passed down. We become free ourselves and leave our children with a more godly legacy.
Exodus 20:5b-6 “punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”
The word for ‘punish’ is Exodus 20 is better understood to mean “visit” or “deposit” and suggests consequences, rather than guilt. We aren’t responsible for what our families taught us or did, but we do suffer the consequences many times.
If you are the child of an alcoholic, for example, you are more likely to become one yourself. If your parents were stressed about money all the time, you’ve probably picked up the same attitudes. Did your parents fight a lot? Show favoritism between children? We tend to either learn the behavior directly or learn how to respond to it in a way that’s less than healthy. If it’s contrary to how God has designed us to live, then it’s sin. Sin gets in the way of our relationship with God and with others and leaves us trapped in cycles of dysfunction.
How do you deal with generational sin?
1. Name it and own it
In order to overcome something, we first have to understand it and see it clearly. Putting words to something gives us the ability to do that.
My parents showed favoritism in their treatment of my siblings and myself .
I learned to believe that I’m inadequate and can’t make my own decisions.
I learned that authority isn’t to be trusted.
I learned to deal with conflict by running away. Or by fighting back aggressively and denigrating the other person.
I learned that money is something to be hoarded and fearful about.
Ownership versus blame
Once we understand better what it is that we’re struggling with, we really have two choices. We can own it and repent of it, or we can blame our behavior on others and keep repeating it.
If we get stuck in the blame/victim mentality, we won’t be free of it. And we’ll likely pass it on to our own children, continuing the cycle. I learned to act this way from my parents. I can’t help it. It’s not my fault.
Yes, you did learn it from them. You aren’t responsible for their actions, but you ARE responsible for yours. You are not to blame for what THEY did. You are absolutely accountable and responsible for what YOU do.
Does that mean some people have more to overcome than others because of the families they were born into? Yes. That’s always been the case. Some grow up in wealth and luxury and others in abject poverty. Some grow up with wonderful parents and others with abusive or absent parents. No one said it was fair. But getting stuck feeling sorry for ourselves won’t get us free. It just gets us more bondage.
Take responsibility for your own behavior. If you want to break the power of that sin, you need to own it, not blame others for it. Confess to God what you have done or have wrongly believed, whatever it is.
Lord, I see You as a distant, unloving God who is always watching for me to do something wrong. That’s not who You are. I’m sorry.
Lord, I misuse alcohol, running to it when I feel stressed or inadequate. That’s not how You would have me cope with those things.
Father, I run away from conflict and refuse to deal with it because I’m afraid of rejection. That’s not how I should handle that. You have a better plan.
2. Forgive
Once you have acknowledged the reality - what you learned and where you learned it from - it’s important to forgive those who taught it to you. Let it go. I was angry with certain family members of mine for many years for not being who I wished they would have been. My understanding and experience of my Heavenly Father has been affected by my experiences with them. I had to come to the point of forgiving them. Staying angry and frustrated only hurt me. It wasn’t going to change anything. I needed to let go of that in order to move forward.
3. Repent and replace
Turn and repent - turn 180 degrees - from those attitudes and actions. Make the choice, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to do life God’s way. When we have learned things that are lies or wrong behavior, we need to replace those lies with the truth. We have to relearn how to live life according to God’s design.
Easier said than done, I know. Romans 12:2 says that we are to be “transformed by the renewing of [our] mind.” Change starts with how we think about things - how we think about God, ourselves and others. If you struggle with feeling like God is distant and uncaring, spend time studying Bible verses that teach otherwise.
Practical suggestions
Just saying “think about what the Bible says about God’s character” or “change how you think about money or conflict” is still pretty vague. Vague doesn’t bring change. Concrete, actionable steps bring change. Small things done on repeat bring meaningful change. Here are some practical suggestions:
Memorize verses - You can go the old fashioned route of writing out applicable Bible verses on index cards. Keep them with you and memorize them as you have time throughout your day. We’ve gotten so trained to look at our phones while waiting in line at the grocery store, the doctor’s office, or the school pick up line. What if we focused on God’s Word instead?
Illustrate the verses - A fun way to “process” the meaning of a verse is to draw it in pictures. Or write the words in your coolest handwriting and illustrate them. I’m not very artistic, but here is one that I’ve done:
Use your imagination to picture yourself in the verse, if that fits. If it’s a story, imagine yourself in the story as one of the characters. What would you see, smell and hear? How would you feel? What would you take away from it?
Pray through the verse, focusing on a different part of it each time. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and don’t lean on your own understanding…” Proverbs 3:5
“Trust” - Father, help me to trust You. To lean on You, and rely on You, knowing that You love me and care for me.
“In the Lord” - God it’s You I trust, not the government or my own plans and ideas or my bank account.
“With all your heart” - Not just part of me sort of trusting in You, but all of my heart. Help me to trust You that way, with all of me.
“Don’t lean…” - When we lean on something, it gives us support and stability. My own understanding isn’t what I should be finding support and stability in. My understanding can be faulty and unreliable. I want to lean on You because You alone are reliable, faithful and stable.
“On your own understanding” - My understanding of things makes sense to me, but remind me that I don’t know everything. I don’t have the bigger picture. You do. That’s why I need to trust You rather than my own understanding.
I also spend time journaling through an idea, asking myself questions about why I think the way I do or feel or react the way I do. I find it very helpful to get it out on paper rather than keep it trapped in the confusing recesses of my brain!
Sometimes our generational sin involves things we say to ourselves in our heads - the “tapes” that play in the background of our minds. “You’re not good enough. You can’t handle this. You’ll just mess it up. You don’t really know what you’re talking about.” We hear them and incorporate them into our lives without really evaluating whether they're true or not. Writing them down in a journal can be a very effective way of acknowledging them and what they’re really saying, then evaluating them. Have a conversation with that voice of insecurity and denigration. Counter its message with God’s Word.
Overcoming generational sin is journey. It’s not going to happen overnight. But as you grow and gain victory over these things, you will find a freedom and a joy that you hadn’t thought possible.
I would love to hear about your experiences with this. Leave me a comment or email me.
Spiritual Gardening
We’ve all felt “stuck” in our faith and life at some time or another. Unanswered questions or challenges that catch us off guard can make us take a step back and rethink what Jesus really means to us.
Sometimes, though, we feel really stuck. There are habits and patterns in our lives that we know just aren’t right, but we can’t seem to shake them. We feel a lack of purpose and wonder what we’re doing all this for. We think we should be growing more as a Christian, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening.
You might need to do some weeding.
I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional home. When I left home for college, I went half way across the country. After college, I traveled overseas for a year - half way around the world. My husband looks at those decisions and thinks that I was trying to get as far away from my family as possible. I’m not sure that I was consciously thinking that, but it’s certainly what happened!
I made decisive efforts to separate myself and establish my life as different from how I grew up. In many ways, I did. But I still found things that were ingrained in me that needed to be relearned. I’m still pulling the weeds.
Hoping for Fewer Weeds
I wouldn’t call myself an avid gardener, but I have a small plot in our backyard where I grow some herbs and vegetables each year. There are so many spiritual analogies from gardening… Last year, I tried “no till” gardening. The idea is that when we turn over the ground before planting, we’re actually stirring up the weed seeds. If we leave well enough alone, those seeds stay buried and don’t germinate.
I heard “less work up front” (no tilling the ground) and “less work during the summer” (fewer weeds) and was sold on giving it a try. I just planted seeds and young plants into the packed soil without turning it over first. (I’m not sure that’s quite what “no till gardening” entails, but that’s what I did.)
I did have far fewer weeds. My tomatoes, which I buy as young plants, did wonderfully. The beans, which I plant as seeds directly into my garden, didn’t grow. The first round never germinated, so I loosened the soil a bit and planted a second round. Those grew, but not very well. I’m guessing they needed looser, more aerated soil.
Our Lives Need Tilling
Our lives are like that. We don’t like to deal with the “weeds” in our lives, so we keep them buried, hoping they will go away. Sometimes we can function well enough that way, but other times the compacted soil doesn’t allow us to grow. Then God, with His plow of hardship, trial and difficulties, turns over the ground for us. He stirs up weeds that need to be pulled out. In the process, He also creates soil that’s better for growing.
I tried to bury the dysfunction of my family of origin and just move on, living life differently. I did pretty well at it. I was the “good kid”, got good grades, went on to college, worked as a missionary overseas for a year and then met a great guy and got married. We established our lives as distinct from how my family had lived.
However, marriage, kids and life in general has a way of plowing the soil. Weeds began to emerge. I had beliefs about myself and God that weren’t true and affected the way I reacted to situations. I discovered “default” responses to situations that weren’t in line with how God would have me respond.
Working through these issues has been a freeing and life changing journey. I still catch myself slipping back to old habits, but I find that there are triggers. I know when I am under more stress and haven’t been checking in regularly enough with God to lay my burdens on Him, I’m more likely to struggle with old habits.
How about you? Are you frustrated with life? Do you feel stuck in your relationship with God? In your relationships with others? Do you find yourself tripping over the same issues in your life, making the mistakes over and over? I would love to take you on the journey of looking at your life - the weeds from your past that are keeping you from living the abundant life that Jesus promised.
Tools
The most effective tools for the “spiritual gardener” are of course the Bible and prayer. Ask God to show you where you have weeds from your past that need to be pulled. His Word will infuse you with the truth that needs to be planted instead.
Other tools I’ve found extremely helpful are a simple pen and paper. Journaling helps me to get outside of my head, analyze what I’m thinking and feeling and to take a deeper look at why I respond the way I do in certain situations. It’s a way to look at the past and see what beliefs were learned and habits were picked up along the way. I have conversations with myself to determine why I react or feel a certain way.
If you would like to use journaling to go deeper to understanding yourself and finding your “weeds”, I suggest taking a look at my “Spiritual Growth Journaling” guide. It’s free and will guide you through different questions to ask yourself and write about. It’s just between you and God - no one else needs to read it. You can download it here.
Happy gardening!