Overcoming People-Pleasing
I love doing surveys - not so much filling them out, but sending them out to the people I serve in different capacities in order to get their feedback. It can be really helpful - if we know what peoples’ needs are, it makes serving them more effective. So whether it’s in my homeschool co-op group I lead, my church’s women’s ministry, or my own writing, I’m a big fan of surveys.
The downside is that we can easily become a slave to the results, take the negative feedback to heart, or look for personal validation and self worth in the words others have to say about us. No one can ever please everyone all of the time. There will always be someone who is disgruntled or had unrealistic, incorrect expectations. In short, it can be a breeding ground for unhealthy people-pleasing.
Do you struggle with being a people-pleaser? Do you value others’ opinions so highly that it affects your actions and decisions more than it should? I certainly do! There’s nothing wrong with looking for input so that you can serve others more effectively. However, it can cross the line and become unhealthy.
Why do we struggle with wanting so badly to please others? It’s not only a modern problem. The Apostle Paul talks about not pleasing men, but God (1 Thessalonians 2:4) and serving God, not people (Ephesians 6:7). You and I aren’t the first ones to struggle with it.
As I’ve wrestled with this issue myself, I’ve asked myself why it is such a struggle. WHY do I care so much about what others think? Do I believe that their approval and validation is important? Obviously I do, if I try so hard to please them. But WHY is it important? What happens if they don’t approve of what I do? They’ll be disappointed in me? They won’t like me? They’ll think I’m doing a bad job? What if what they say about me isn’t true? What if they think I’m doing a bad job, but I’m really not? And who decides what a “bad job” is and what isn’t?
Ah…. Pause there in my ramblings. That’s the crux of the issue, isn’t it? Who decides the value of my work? Is it people? Or God?
It’s so much easier to get peoples’ opinions. They’re usually right in my face! I can send out a Google form and boom! Lots of opinions about whether people like what I’m doing or not.
It takes more work to learn what God says about me - how He values the decisions I make and the quality of the life I’m living. It also requires a certain inner confidence in our own evaluation of ourselves.
How do we evaluate our own decisions and the way we live life? Against God’s Word. Which necessitates that we be familiar with what God’s Word says.
We won’t find answers to whether we’re skilled at data entry or whether we should have canceled an event or how we should have communicated a difficult message to someone. However, the Bible gives us many principles that we can apply in evaluating those decisions. Is our work orderly and done conscientiously? Do we make decisions on behalf of others with their best interests in mind? Did we communicate with love and graciousness, not out of anger or spite? We need to measure ourselves against God’s Word, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and use that as our basis of self-evaluation. Easier said than done, I know. Which is why we tend to evaluate ourselves based on others’ opinions. It’s easier.
Do you struggle with being a people-pleaser? What is at the root of that struggle? What steps can you take to evaluate yourself based on God’s Word, rather than based on what others think?
The idea that others’ opinions determine the value of what we do and who we are is a common lie at the root of many of our struggles. If you’d like a framework for uncovering these lies, replacing them with truth from God’s Word, and growing in your faith, take a look here.
Comment below with anything that has helped you overcome people-pleasing.
How do we become more like Jesus?
Sometimes the concept of growing in our faith seems very vague and difficult to pin down. What does that mean? How do I go about doing it? What does that look like?
It starts with getting honest with ourselves and with God about where we’re at. It’s so easy to just go through our days and “do all the things”, but never stop and really reflect on what is working and what isn’t working in our lives. The first step in the BUILD method of growing in our faith is to BE AWARE. Being aware involves the spiritual practice of reflection.
If you think of the word “reflect”, a mirror probably comes to mind. It shows us what we look like. We generally don’t leave the house in the morning without looking in the mirror and making sure we look presentable. In the same way, we need a “mirror” to look at the essence of our lives. How are we handling life? Are we becoming more like Jesus?
James 1:23-24 says, “Anyone who listens to the Word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.”
God’s Word, the Bible, is our mirror. As we read it, study it, and hear it preached, what is it telling us about ourselves? What is the Holy Spirit bringing to our attention?
Perhaps we need to take another step back. Are we reading, studying, and hearing God’s Word? Are we going to church and spending time reading the Bible on our own and studying it with others in community? Those are the primary ways that the Holy Spirit speaks to us to show us areas of our life where we need to grow and become more like Jesus.
What does reflection look like? Like the other spiritual disciplines, it can sound intimidating, but really doesn’t need to be. It can be as simple as asking yourself some questions once a week. I frequently do mine on Sunday after church.
- What is working?
- What isn’t working?
- Where in my life do I see God trying to get my attention?
You can make it more involved if you’d like.
- What am I thankful for?
- What has been life giving?
- What has been life draining?
Whatever you do with the time, however long or short it is, the point is to slow down long enough to consider how you’re growing in your faith and where God might be wanting to direct your attention.
If you’d like an overview of the entire BUILD method, you can download it here.
Do you have a practice of reflection? What does that look like for you?
Is Community a Spiritual Discipline?
The short answer is: yes.
Let’s face it, the last couple years have been challenging in ways we couldn’t have predicted. It feels like we’re finally coming out of the pandemic, so things should just go back to “normal”, right? As much as I hated the phrase “new normal” that was used earlier in the pandemic, I have to admit that normal isn’t the same as it was before.
It also seems like things should be getting a little easier again, yet in many ways they’re not. Yes, I can buy toilet paper without worrying about the shelves being empty and mask wearing is not required in most places. Yet getting back into the swing of things hasn’t felt as natural as I might have hoped.
Across the board in the different communities I’m involved in, both online and in person, there seems to be a higher incidence of serious, heavy life situations going on. Marriages in crisis, major health issues, emotional crises, death and grief…
It’s just… heavy.
How do we cope, whether we are the one in crisis or the one offering support and encouragement?
I think one key is to lean into community.
As a culture, we were already prone to isolation, even before COVID. We drove home, closed the garage door, disappeared into our houses, and hardly interacted with our neighbors. We buried ourselves in our phones and devices, having many online “friends and followers” but little in person, meaningful interaction.
Then COVID.
Suddenly we needed even more physical distance than we already had. We started going to church on a computer, we worked from home, and had meetings over zoom. Now we’re even more isolated than before. Even though the pandemic is letting up, many people still work from home. We’ve discovered that Zoom meetings are sometimes much more convenient, and going to church online is much easier than dragging the kids out the door on Sunday morning.
Some of those things are good things, or at least have a positive side to them. I would much rather conduct a meeting over Zoom than have to leave my kids at home, drive all the way to church, then drive all the way home. The availability of having church online is great when we live farther away or are sick and can’t be in person. But I think we need to pick and choose wisely.
We need community. We need each other. We need to be physically present, face to face WITH each other. We need to give and receive hugs and smiles and look each other in the eye without a screen in the middle. We need home groups in person and retreats and social events. We need to go out to coffee with each other and sit and pray with each other and listen. We need to BE with one another.
Sometimes being in community is intimidating. It’s hard to be vulnerable. For some it was more comfortable to stay home. But God created us to need one another.
Community helps us to feel connected and grounded. Relationships can hold us accountable and encourage us to be more. We hear what others are doing and it spurs us on to pursue walking with God and living healthy lives - spiritually, physically, and emotionally. We can learn from each other and find comfort and support. Being in community is a core piece of growing in our faith.
Community is also where we serve one another. It’s where we see how others are struggling and we pray for them and help carry their burdens. It’s where we exercise the gifts that God has given us for the purpose of building each other up. If we’re not in community, we can’t do that.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25
How is God encouraging you to lean into community this spring?
Rhythms of Spiritual Growth -Are You Tethered to Your Phone?
Growing in our walk with Jesus doesn’t happen overnight. One wonderful retreat or conference or church service isn’t going to fix all the things in us that need to be fixed.
Walking with God and growing closer to Him is a journey. A process. Although mountaintop experiences are encouraging and can spur us along, it’s the daily rhythms, the consistent little movements in the right direction that produce real progress.
I teach private guitar and clarinet lessons. I always tell my students that they will do much better with a consistent 15 minutes of practice per day, each day, than if they forget about it all week and cram a couple hours in right before their lesson.
Slow and steady wins the race.
Whichever picture you prefer, it’s how life works.
What are the daily rhythms - the short bursts of “practice” - that help us the renew our minds so we’re not conformed to the pattern of the world? (Romans 12:1-2) Spiritual disciplines. I prefer the term “spiritual practices” because they are things we practice. “Discipline” sounds so rigid and legalistic, however that term is more often associated with the Christian practices we’re talking about. If you Google “spiritual practices”, you turn up a lot of non Christian spirituality.
There are quite a few “traditional” spiritual disciplines, which I’ve written about at other times. If you’d like to look at those, you can check out these blog posts on those topics. I also have a guide to the basic spiritual disciplines that you can download here.
Five Steps to Starting a Spiritual Discipline
Reading and Studying the Bible
Bible Memorizing and Meditating
One non-traditional spiritual discipline that I have particularly needed recently is that of unplugging. It’s not one that you will see on a typical list, but I’m finding it really helpful!
Spring, this year especially, is a very busy time for me. I’m over my head in details for planning our church’s women’s retreat, plus all the planning for our homeschool co op classes and membership for the fall. It would be very easy for me to stay tethered to my phone and/or laptop for the majority of the day. My brain gets an adrenalin buzz from hopping from one detail to the next, checking email, responding to texts, solving problems, and planning details.
I enjoy that for a while, but I end up feeling like my brain and my body are in different places. I walk around in my head and in the virtual world of texts, emails, and Google sheets, but I’m not actually present with my family or the world around me. If I’m ever going to neglect something important (turning off the stove top when I’m done, looking at my child in the eyes when he’s telling me about his day, etc), it’s when I’m stuck in my head.
Unplugging means to step away from the computer AND away from the phone for a little while. I always need to remind myself that nothing terrible is going to happen if I don’t check my phone/texts/emails/social media for a little while.
As I asked myself questions about my own media practices and phone addiction, I discovered that in some ways, it’s a control issue. If I KNOW what’s going on, then it gives me a modicum of control over it. (Which may or may not be true.) If I KNOW what the weather will be for my drive to my son’s college to pick him up, then I feel like I have more control over it. (Which I don’t.) Or if I track my teen kids while they’re driving, I will keep them from getting into an accident. (Also not true.) If I check my texts and emails for the people I need to respond to me about the projects I’m managing, I’ll somehow stay more on top of things. (Maybe true, but not really.) Or, someone might need me RIGHT NOW and if I’m not checking my texts right away, I won’t be able to help them! (This is probably pride or something along those lines - welcome to my dysfunction!)
It’s OK to not be available to the outside world all the time. It’s OK to take time to return a text or answer an email. Not everything needs to be done immediately.
What I did in this process is really the BUILD method I’ve talked about before. I was a aware (“Be aware”) of an issue in my life - I felt disconnected because I was living in my phone and computer. I used journaling to “Uncover the lie” - the ideas that my instant knowledge of different things gave me control over them. Also, there’s the lie that I could be desperately needed at any given moment and must be constantly available. I could spend time “Investigating the source” of how I ended up believing these lies. However, in this case, I suspect it’s not some habit I picked up from childhood, but rather just a product of my sinful nature and our current “instant information” cell phone culture. I then reminded myself that all those lies aren’t true. Instead, God is in control of the weather, all the things don’t need to be responded to immediately, I’m not constantly needed on an emergency basis, etc. Using the spiritual discipline of stepping away from my devices helps to reinforce the truth, break the addiction and “Do what it right” - live life in the present where I am, instead of always being somewhere else mentally.
For an overview of the BUILD method, you can download it here.
Do you find yourself always tethered to your phone and computer? How do you pull away?
Do What is Right
We’re at the last step in the BUILD method of renewing your mind in God’s Word. If you missed any of the earlier posts, here they are:
The last step is to “do what is right”. Easier said than done, right? Just like the other steps, let me walk you through it. Keep in mind, we’re all on a journey. We won’t be fully like Jesus until we’re in heaven.
Once you have worked through the other steps, think about what is the right, healthy, and Godly way to respond to or deal with the type of situation you’re focusing on. What would it look like for you act or speak the way that God would want you to?
Sometimes, the answer is to remain silent. Maybe you need to leave the room or take a deep breath. For me, when I was struggling with interfering in the conflicts of other family members, I would sometimes just need to leave the room. I didn’t trust myself to stay out of it while standing there in the middle of it. So leaving was the best option. Then I got to where I could remain in the room, but stay silent. Finally, as long as I’m in the right mindset, I can stay engaged in the conversation, but contribute in a healthy way.
Use your imagination…
Our imaginations are a powerful tool for us in things like this. Imagine yourself being in the type of situation that you struggle with. What is happening? How are you feeling? What are others doing or saying? What are you feeling?
Then imagine yourself responding in a way that is healthy and Godly. What would you say? What would you do? What are you thinking and feeling?
This is basically the same thing as role playing. It’s a way to “practice” responding in a healthy way. It also helps us come up with phrases to say that we can remember and use when the real situation arises again (because it will).
If you aren’t sure what the best way to respond is, talk it through with someone you trust while you’re not in that situation. If it’s a conflict with your spouse, ask him what type of response from you would be more helpful. Ask others how they deal with similar situations as well as studying what the Bible has to say about it.
Recognize the triggers
In addition to rehearsing the particulars of the situation itself, look at the things that typically lead up to it. Is it more of an issue when you’re overtired? Hungry? Stressed? Can you avoid those situations when those triggers are present? Or be on higher “alert” at those times?
Pray
Don’t neglect the power of prayer. Pray that God will show you the Godly response or reaction. Pray that the Holy Spirit will get your attention when those triggers are present and you’re tempted to respond the wrong way.
Have you found this entire process to be helpful? In what way?
If you would like an overview of the entire BUILD method, you can download it here.
Replace Lies with Truth
The last several weeks, I’ve been talking about the different steps of the BUILD method of renewing your mind in God’s Word. If you’d like to watch the overview video of the method, the video is here.
If you would like to download an overview of all the steps, you can do that here.
So far, we’ve covered the following (click the link to go to any of the previous blog posts):
Next is to “lay the true foundation”. We’ve paid attention to where we’re struggling, discovered what lie is at the root of that struggle, and investigated where that lie originated. Now we need to replace that lie with truth from God’s Word.
What does the Bible have to say about that lie? In the past, we’ve needed to use a concordance to find verses on a particular topic. That still works just fine, but so does Google… However you decide to do it, find Scripture that provides the truth to counter the lie that you’ve embraced.
It’s one thing to intellectually know what is true and right and quite another thing to really embrace it and believe it in your heart. It’s not a process that happens overnight. This is where spiritual disciplines, also called spiritual practices, come into play. I prefer the term “spiritual practices” because they are just that - something that we practice. “Spiritual disciplines” sounds intimidating to me - oppressive and legalistic. They aren’t meant to be, but the term can carry that baggage with it.
Whatever you want to call them, what are they?
First, what are they not?
They are not a quick fix, magic pill
They are not oppressive or overly time consuming
They are not only for monks or pastors
So what are they?
They are for everyday Christians.
They are simple spiritual rhythms that help us to ingrain God’s Word and truth into our hearts.
Even though they are ancient in origin, they can easily be applied to modern culture.
Most, if not all, can be observed in Jesus’ life. (So if He needed them, we certainly do!)
Here’s a non-exhaustive list:
Bible reading
Bible study
Bible verse memorization
Bible verse meditation
Silence
Solitude
Prayer
Fasting
Giving
Rest
Thankfulness
If you’d like more information on starting a spiritual discipline, you can read my blog post here.
Many of them you may do already, and many can easily be done together. Silence and solitude frequently go hand in hand. So do prayer and fasting. Usually when we take the time to memorize Bible verses, we’re also meditating on them in the process.
What does all this have to do with replacing the lies in our life with truth?
Everything.
Think about how those lies got there to begin with. They usually weren’t spoken once to you and you embraced it. Usually it became ingrained in your soul over a period of time. It was told to you more than once, or you repeatedly watched it being lived out in someone else. Just as it took time and repetition to get into your heart, it will take time and repetition to replace it with truth.
If you’re struggling with anxiety, for example, and you’ve discovered that it’s rooted in the lie that it’s up to you to make sure that everyone in your sphere of influence is happy, you might spend time memorizing verses about God being in control, or maybe Galatians 6:5, “for each one should carry his own load”. (Because each person is responsible for their own happiness.)
When you feel yourself becoming anxious, you could take a step away from your surroundings, take a deep breath, and pray for a moment in silence and solitude, thanking God that He has everything covered and that you don’t need to be concerned about it. You could start a thankfulness journal that you choose to add to whenever you feel anxious. Find a verse that speaks most directly to what you need to remember and write it on a note card and carry it with you, working on memorizing it throughout your day. Get creative and illustrate the verse or idea. The resources page on my website gives some resources for ways to implement some of the different spiritual disciplines.
What spiritual disciplines or practices do you already have in place in your life? Which one(s) do you think would be helpful for you to start?
Investigate the Source of the Lies You Believe
The last few weeks, we’ve been talking about the BUILD method of renewing your mind in God’s Word. If you haven’t watched the intro video on the overview of the method and why I created it, check it out here.
Step one was to Be Aware. We need to first recognize where we are struggling and be clear about it. Reflection helps with this. That blog post is here.
Step two was to Uncover the Lie. We talked about using journaling to ask ourselves questions and try to figure out, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, where there might be a lie about ourselves, God, or others at the root of our struggle. That blog post is here.
Step three is to Investigate the Source. Let’s go back to our house analogy. We have mold in the bathroom or a faulty light switch. We’ve decided that it’s a problem and have traced it to the source. In this next step, we look at where the problem came from to begin with. Was something designed incorrectly? Was there damage from a storm or an animal that created the issue?
In dealing with struggles in my own life, I’ve found this step to be helpful, even though it doesn’t always seem necessary. When I’m working on an issue in my life, I want to know not only what the root of that issue is, but also how it got there to begin with. It helps me to better understand it and sometimes it reveals someone I need to forgive.
One of my “issues” is that I try too hard to be the peacemaker among family members. There’s making peace and then there’s manipulating people and situations to best avoid conflict. I leaned heavily into the second option.
For a while, I would do this without consciously thinking about it. I would be selective in what things I would bring up to which family members and how I would bring them up in an attempt to mitigate conflict. I wouldn’t even realize I was being manipulative until it would inevitably backfire on me.
When I realized what I was doing, I took some time to journal about what exactly I was doing and why. I discovered that I felt that it was my responsibility to keep the peace and to “help” other family members get along in the way that I thought they should. I believed the lie that it was up to me to make sure they avoided conflict.
However, the truth is that conflict isn’t always bad and it’s not my job to manage the relationships of others.
I wanted to figure out where these ideas about conflict and manipulation came from. As it is many times the case, the source was my family of origin.
Let’s just say that I didn’t exactly learn healthy conflict resolution skills from my parents. They were thankfully never violent, but instead, they went the other direction. My mother would retreat to her room and cry and my father would go back to reading his Popular Science magazine as if everything was fine.
As a child, I was not OK with this arrangement. So I took it upon myself to go back and forth between the two of them as an emissary to try and make peace. My parents never objected to my being in this role. (I can’t imagine allowing my own children to interfere like that in my house!) Because they never corrected me, I kept on playing that role of peace maker. It did actually help to make peace in the house, in a way.
It made sense to me that this is where I got the idea that conflict must be avoided, peace must be maintained, and that it was my job to make sure that happened.
I have learned over the years to look at my parents with more compassion and less criticism. I understand a little more why their relationship was the way it was. I have also chosen to forgive them for passing on those unhealthy ways of dealing with things to me.
How do you investigate the source? Take a look at your childhood. Not all of our struggles originate there, but many do. Did you learn a behavior by example? Was the lie told to you outright? Was the unhealthy behavior simply a coping mechanism you developed for dealing with a trauma or other difficult scenario?
Once you explore that, is there someone you need to forgive as a result? Depending on the situation, it may help you to have a conversation with one of the people involved in order to gain further understanding and compassion. Many times we take our childhood interpretations of events into adulthood. The situation may have been more complex than you realized.
Remember that even though the things you struggle with may be a result of your childhood, you are not helpless. Through the power of God, you can overcome whatever patterns you learned as a child. We need to own our choices and take responsibility for our lives. Simply blaming someone else and saying that we can’t help it is not how growth happens. God calls us to confess our sin - agree with Him about it - and repent - turn away from it. We can’t do those things if we don’t take responsibility for it.
If you were the victim of abuse as a child or suffered other trauma, a skilled Christian counselor can help you work through those things. The work you do on your own through journaling and exploring the things we talk about here can work in tandem with counseling to help you find peace and healing.
What Lie is Hiding in the Basement of Your Life?
Growing in our faith and overcoming sinful habits and reactions doesn’t usually happen through trying harder. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Just like when you find mold in the bathroom or a light switch keeps not working, there is sometimes a deeper cause. You can clean the mold or replace the light switch, but the problem might keep returning because you haven’t dealt with whatever the root of the issue is. Finding the root cause sometimes involves going into the basement.
The same goes for the things we struggle with. Anxiety keeps surfacing, we repeatedly become defensive when corrected, or we continually overschedule ourselves just to feel like we’re worthwhile and have value.
It’s time to take a look in the basement.
Basements can be scary places! Dirty, cluttered, smelling of mildew… That’s where the old awards from high school are, along with the fraternity tee shirt and the bins of pictures that never made it into a photo album.
It can feel overwhelming just to find what you’re looking for. It would be easier to just say “forget it” and try to deal with the surface of the problem and hope it goes away.
Here’s the thing: it won’t go away.
Growth and healing comes from dealing with our stuff. If the Holy Spirit is nudging you to deal with the issue, then you’ll be much better off if you follow His lead.
Once you make your way into the basement of your life, what do you do there? What does this look like?
In the first step of BUILD, you have become aware of an area of your life that needs your attention. A default reaction to a situation, an ugly emotion, whatever it is that the Holy Spirit has brought to mind as you have spent time in reflection.
The second step is to uncover the lie.
Take out a journal and write about the frustration.
1. What happens? Describe it. What’s the surrounding situation? Is the problem in something you say? Something you feel? What is it that needs to change? What leads up to it? Does it tend to happen when you’re tired? Hungry? Stressed from being too busy?
Example: I become defensive when my spouse expresses frustration over _____.
2. When does it happen? Ask yourself questions about it. Do you only get defensive about certain things? At certain times? Or every time he expresses frustration? Is it only when you’re tired or stressed?
3. Why does it happen? Why do you get defensive? (In our example.) What are you thinking about when that happens? Does it make you feel inferior when you are criticized? Do you feel guilty for causing whatever the frustration is? Is there a lie you’re believing that is underneath the problem? In our defensiveness example, do you believe that it diminishes you as a person if you admit to and take responsibility for your mistakes? What are you believing about yourself, God, or others that contributes to your defensiveness?
Once you get to the root of the issue and uncover the lie that is fueling what you're struggling with, then you can work on replacing that lie with truth from God's Word.
For an overview of the entire BUILD method, click here.
You can also watch my video on it here.
Transformation Begins with Reflection
Is there an area of your life where you feel frustrated? A relationship that has conflict? Ugly emotions that keep surfacing? Frustrations, conflicts, and emotions can be pointers to an area of our lives that isn’t working the way God intended.
When we trust Jesus as our Savior, we are forgiven for our sin - past, present, and future. However, we still have a sin nature. Trusting Jesus is the beginning of the journey of becoming more like Him. We have all learned ways of doing life that don’t work. The reason that they don’t work is that they aren’t the way that God designed us to live.
In Romans 12:2, we’re told to “not conform to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.”
How do we do that?
We BUILD our lives on God’s Word.
For an overview explanation of what this looks like, check out this video.
This week, we’re talking more in depth about the first step: Be aware.
Have you ever been sitting in your house and heard a strange noise that slowly made its way from your unconscious to your conscious mind? A dripping faucet? A rattle in the furnace or air conditioner? You can choose to ignore it and hope it’s all fine and goes away, or you can pay attention to it and see if it’s an indicator of a larger, more significant problem.
When we have issues in our lives - whether they’re subtle like a dripping faucet, or much louder and harder to ignore - we have a choice. We can ignore it, hoping it goes away. We can numb ourselves to it through busyness, food, shopping, alcohol, endless social media surfing, or whatever our anesthetic of choice is. (I’m totally guilty, by the way.) Or, we can choose to be aware of it and pay attention to it. We can look more closely and see if there’s a deeper problem that needs addressing.
If we want to see change and growth in our lives - if we want to build our lives on the foundation of God’s Word and be transformed by renewing our minds - then it begins with being aware of where there are problems.
One way of becoming aware of these things is through reflection.
In our busy world, who has time to reflect? That’s half the problem, isn’t it? We’re so busy that taking time to think about our lives doesn’t happen often. The result is that we keep on struggling with the same things and fall deeper into frustration and farther from God’s plan for our lives.
Reflection doesn’t have to be a long, involved process. One possibility is to set aside a little time, even 30 minutes, once a week to reflect on the week. It could be part of your Sunday afternoon or evening or some other day of the week that makes sense to you. Ask yourself what worked the past week and what didn’t. There are reflection questions below that you can ask yourself. Writing down the answers in a journal can also be helpful. It doesn’t have to be fancy, flowing language. Bullet points work just fine, too. Over time, you may see a trend of the the same things that aren’t working well, or certain emotions you’re struggling with on a consistent basis.
For more information about the entire BUILD method, download the free overview here.
What do you fear?
Romans 8:31-39
“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
What do you fear?
Failure? Being alone? Political upheaval? Illness? Losing your income? Physical danger?
I’m sure the list can go on.
But over and over again, God tells us not to fear. How do we do that? These verses in Romans 8, although they don’t specifically mention fear, are an antidote to fear.
“If God is for us, who can be against us?” (vs. 31) Sometimes we need a perspective shift. I certainly do! It’s so easy to focus our attention on all the things right in front of us, just like Peter focused on the storm while he was walking on water. (Matthew 14:22-33) Yes, the world can look mighty scary! But the reality is that God is for us and He rules over all the chaos, even though the chaos is right in front of our faces.
Throughout these verses, we are reminded that nothing can separate is from God’s love.
NOTHING.
And yet we still fear…
Many times the source of our fear is a lie.
Do you fear failure? Perhaps you believe the lie that your worth is based on your performance.
Do you fear being alone? Perhaps you don’t believe that God is always with you and He will provide human fellowship and community for you.
Do you fear political upheaval? Maybe you don’t believe that the “king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord…” (Proverbs 21:1) Or that “dominion belongs to the Lord and he rules over nations”. (Psalm 22:28)
Do you fear illness? God is our Healer. If He doesn’t heal us on this side of eternity, He will heal us on the other side.
I don’t at all intend to downplay our fears. I have plenty of them myself. And just saying that we should “have more faith” or “just believe this and you’ll be all better” is… less than helpful.
However, I do believe that what we feel (fear, in this case) does stem from what we’re thinking about. What we’re thinking about comes from what we believe to be true. (Not what we necessarily SAY we believe, but what we actually believe.) God’s Word is true. When we renew our minds with that truth, over time it’s going to change what we’re thinking about and then what we feel.
If you struggle with fear, I would encourage you try using this process that has worked so well for me. It’s based on the word “BUILD” - as in, building your house on solid ground (Matthew 7:24-27).
Be present - Pay attention to yourself and name what it is that you fear. Ask God to give you wisdom as you seek to understand what you’re struggling with and why.
Uncover the lie - Journal and ask yourself some questions. Why do you fear _____? Is there a deeper fear underneath? Is that core fear based on a lie? What is that lie?
Investigate the source - Where did that lie come from? From the enemy, yes, but how did it get ingrained into your soul? Sometimes it just comes from our own sinful nature or ways of coping with life when we were younger. Sometimes it came from a person - either what they explicitly told you or what you interpreted from their life. It’s not always necessary to know where a lie came from, but I’ve found that it can be helpful in understanding how I came to struggle in this area. It also provides the opportunity to choose to forgive the person who was the source of that lie.
Lay the true foundation - What is the truth from God’s Word that counters that lie? This week’s passages from Romans 8 provide many truths that counter our fears. This is where spiritual disciplines come in. Memorize those verses. Meditate on them. When you feel fear welling up inside, take a “pause” and step outside, take a deep breath, and pray through the verses. Ask God to impress them upon your soul. Choose to embrace their truth.
Do what is right - The next time that fear rears its head, fight it off with the verses you’ve been memorizing and focusing on. Choose peace with God over fear.
I’ll be going into these steps in greater detail in the weeks to come. Walking through this process has been incredibly helpful for me in dealing with baggage from my past and in the journey of becoming more like Jesus. It’s not a quick fix, but it is a process that works.
“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12
To read other perspectives on these verses in Romans, check out these blogs:
You belong…
Romans 8:26-30
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
You have a seat at the table.
Do you really believe that? You belong. You have been called according to His purpose. You are known. You are being conformed to the image of His Son. You will be glorified with Him in heaven.
How do you view yourself? Sometimes that’s the root of our “stuckness”.
Sometimes life can feel like we never left middle school. We’re wondering where we fit. Is there anywhere we belong? Has God truly accepted us?
Meditating on these verses will encourage you that yes, you do belong. You have a purpose - His purpose.
God has created us uniquely with our own set of gifts and abilities. I read recently that God is so big that in order for humans to reflect His image, He had to put different aspects of Himself in different people. We are created in His image, but He had to sprinkle that image across everyone. So I have some aspects of God’s image and you have different aspects of it.
I’ve struggled with different aspects of who I am - feeling like some pieces of my personality aren’t as “acceptable” from a Christian standpoint. I’m a fairly ambitious person, for example. (Enneagram 3, if you’re familiar with that system.) I like to “do all the things”. I’m learning that yes, I can easily become self-sufficient and rely on my own strength instead of relying on God’s strength. However, there’s nothing wrong with having “holy ambition” (as opposed to selfish ambition) - a drive and passion to accomplish God’s purposes with His strength.
Being constantly frustrated which how we’re designed doesn’t help us become more like Jesus. We can accept our unique personalities, but surrender them to Jesus. Confess and turn from what is sin, but then embrace how God can use our uniqueness to bring glory to Him.
Journal: How do you see yourself? Do you value yourself and what you have to offer to God’s Kingdom? Or are you overly critical? How do you talk to yourself - that soundtrack that plays in your head as you go throughout your day? Would you talk to others the way you talk to yourself?
If you’d like to read other perspectives on these same verses, check out these blogs:
Groaning - there’s better yet to come…
Romans 8:18-25
18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. 22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Do you feel like things just aren’t the way they’re supposed to be? Nature isn’t the way it’s supposed to be - there are hurricanes, tornadoes, and all the other types of natural disasters. Animals become extinct, the environment is deteriorating… The creation itself is decaying, just as verse 21 says.
Then there’s the world and society as a whole. We look at crime, children being neglected and abused, families broken, drug and alcohol abuse, extreme poverty, illness and disease, and merciless, cruel dictators, to name a few. Life is clearly not the way it was designed to be.
Although it’s terribly frustrating to experience, we shouldn’t be surprised. God said that it would happen like this. The creation itself is groaning, waiting to be restored to its original design. We as believers are groaning as well, waiting for the culmination of God’s plan for us and the world. Even our very bodies remind us that there is better coming - whether it’s minor aches and pains or major disease and illness.
This is our hope - that God will fulfill His promises to us and bring lasting justice and peace. We are frustrated and disappointed at what we see because we know that it’s not supposed to be like this. But God will restore the creation itself as well as ourselves and society to be once again as He created us to be.
What troubles you most?
- child abuse?
- sexual exploitation of others?
- crime?
- plight of refugees?
- poverty?
- mental illness?
- broken families?
- abused animals?
- pollution?
- creatures driven to extinction?
- our deteriorating environment?
I could go on… Those things trouble you because in your heart you know it’s not the way it’s supposed to be.
Journal
What aspects of our broken selves and world are the most frustrating to you? How does it help to remember that God will restore everything to the way it’s supposed to be?
For more insight on these verses:
Where do you get stuck in your walk with Christ?
Romans 8:12-17
12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. 14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
There is so much in these verses… I have to remember that I’m not trying to give you an in depth study of this chapter. That’s always a good thing to do, but it’s not my role here.
My role is to help you get unstuck in your faith.
Why do we get stuck and what does Romans 8 have to do with it?
Sometimes we’re stuck because we’re really not “in Christ” to begin with.
This came up in last week’s verses. Have you grown up in the church and in a believing home but never really made the decision to make the faith your own? Have you understood following Jesus to mean simply going to church on Sunday and going on with your life your own way for the rest of the week? You might be stuck because you haven’t actually begun the journey. Take a look here to see what it means to be in Christ.
Sometimes we’re stuck because we haven’t embraced following Jesus in every aspect of life.
(Some would say that a person in that situation isn’t in Christ at all. That very well may be true, but for sake of clarity, I’m making it separate here.)
What does living as a Christian look like? Do we accept Jesus as Savior and then go on our merry way, living just as we did before? Is it saying a prayer as “fire insurance” so that we can go to heaven but it has little or no impact on how we live our life today?
I don’t see any of that supported in Scripture. If we truly believe that Jesus died on the cross to pay for our sin, then that has to change things.
In the verses we looked at last week, Paul said that God “sent His only Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (8:3b-4)
There is a battle going on between the flesh and the Spirit. Verse 12 says that we have an obligation not to live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
As I said last week, no one expects you to be perfect. We’re all on a journey of becoming more like Jesus. Just ask yourself if that’s the journey you’re truly on.
Journal: Is it your desire to become more like Him? To live the way He showed us how to live and to obey Him in every aspect of your life? Be honest with yourself and with God.
Sometimes we’re stuck because we’re allowing ourselves to be slaves again to fear.
Verse 15 says that the Spirit does not make us slaves again to fear, but rather that we are God’s children.
Journal: What fear were you a slave to that you aren’t any more? Which fears do you still struggle with? How does knowing that you are God’s child set you free from fear? What does it mean to you that you are God’s child? How is that significant in your daily life?
Sometimes we’re stuck because our view of God as our Father gets confused with the failings of our earthly father.
God being our “Daddy” (which is what “Abba” means) may have different meaning for us, depending on the earthly father we grew up with. In general, our default understanding of God’s character is wrapped up in what our earthly father is/was like. Even the most
Journal: Take some time and reflect on your earthly father. How would you describe him? What were/are his strengths and weaknesses? What messages, both spoken and unspoken, did you hear from him about your value and the nature of your relationship with him? How do those things compare to what you know of God and His character?
Do one of these resonate with you? I’d love to hear about it.
If you’d like tips for memorizing Bible verses, you can find them here.
You can read other perspectives on these verses on the following blogs:
Romans 8:1-11 No Condemnation
I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions because hardly anyone, myself included, ever sticks to them. However, I love the feeling of a fresh start that the new year brings. I also find challenges motivating. How about you?
What better challenge than one that helps us to memorize God’s Word and apply it to our lives?
For the month of January, I’m focusing on memorizing Romans chapter 8. I would love to have you join me! Even if you don’t memorize the whole thing, just the practice of trying to memorize it and thinking about it will work it further into your head and heart.
Each week I’ll post the verses to work on memorizing as well as some journaling prompts to help you think and pray through how to apply the verses to your own life.
Here’s the schedule:
Week of January 3 - Romans 8:1-11
Week of January 10 - Romans 8:12-17
Week of January 17 - Romans 8:18-25
Week of January 24 - Romans 8:26-30
Week of January 31 - Romans 8:31-39
You can use any translation you would like.
Are you new to memorizing verses? Here are some tips and suggestions.
Let’s look a little deeper at Romans 8:1-11.
First, it’s always a good idea to understand the context of a particular passage or chapter, so I encourage you to read chapter 7 first.
Read through Romans 8:1-11 and then here are some journaling prompts to help you meditate on it.
1. Verse 1 says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If you aren’t sure if you are in Christ, that’s the most important issue to settle. Read here.
If you are in Jesus, do you still struggle with feeling condemned? According to verse 2-4, why are you no longer condemned? That’s what is true, regardless of your feelings. God isn’t making you feel condemned. If you struggle with those feelings, explore why that is. Perhaps there’s a past wound that needs to be brought into the light and given to Jesus to heal.
2. Verses 5-11 These verses explain the status of those who are in Christ and those who are not. Take time to examine your life. No one, God included, expects you to be perfect. If you look back at chapter 7:14-25, Paul clearly struggled with sin. Struggling doesn’t make you not a Christian. It just means you’re human. But what is your mind generally governed by? Do you live by the flesh or by the Spirit? Can others tell by your life alone that you follow Jesus? Later in chapter 8, verse 16, it says that God’s Spirit in us testifies that we belong to Him.
As you journal and pray through these verses and work on memorizing them, ask God to speak to you through them.
Would you like some other perspectives on these verses? Here are some other bloggers who are writing about these verses also:
Https://marthagrimmbrady.com/january-2022-spiritual-growth-challenge
Connect with Jesus Imperfectly
Christmas is supposed to be a time of celebrating the birth of Jesus, and yet it’s so hard to actually focus on Him! Our schedules get rearranged, and if you’re like me, when that routine changes, so do all the predictable things along with it. Things like reading the Bible, journaling, and taking silent pauses in the middle of my day to lift up my cares to God. And then I wonder why I feel so fried and worn out!
One option is to say forget it - just do all the cultural Christmas things and give up trying to grow closer to Jesus at the same time. Do you ever struggle with feeling like if you can’t do something really well or completely that it isn’t worth doing? Yeah, I go there too.
But spiritual disciplines done imperfectly are still helpful. God isn’t watching you with narrowed eyes waiting to see if you do everything “right”.
If that’s the case, what are some ways that we can still grow closer to Jesus, even if it’s imperfect? (Because it’s always going to be imperfect, anyway…)
1. Take advantage of the small nuggets of time.
The school pickup line.
The moments after the kids go to bed or are otherwise occupied. (My teens go to bed after me half the time…)
Take a walk.
Take a drive.
Step outside for a few moments on a lunch break.
Take a breath and acknowledge His presence with you and thank Him for the gift of Jesus.
2. Memorize a short Bible verse that relates to Christmas and remind yourself of it throughout the day.
“She will give birth to a son and will call Him Emmanuel, which means, ‘God with us.’” Isaiah 7:14
“He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6
There are many other options, of course.
Here are some tips on memorizing and meditating on Scripture.
3. Journal about what makes Christmas meaningful to you whenever you get a chance.
When you feel worn down, take a couple minutes and write out how you’re feeling and remind yourself of truth. But give yourself grace if your regular routine is difficult to maintain.
We can’t do everything, but we can do some things. The trick is picking the right ‘somethings’.
Emily P. Freeman has some great suggestions about this in her latest podcast
Just because things can be a little crazy this month doesn’t mean that we can’t still draw close to Jesus. It won’t be perfect and that’s OK. Let yourself off the hook. Remember that the point isn’t to check every box and make God happy with you. He already loves you passionately - no amount of checked or unchecked boxes can change that.
The point is to connect with Jesus throughout your day.
Where do you expect to see Jesus this Christmas?
The Christmas season is So. Stinking. Busy. It’s like a race that begins the day after Thanksgiving and goes full speed through Christmas Eve.
As I was thinking about what topics to write about for the next few weeks, I decided that you probably don’t need more suggestions for making cookies to give away to others, or ways to serve others while going to the parties you might rather not attend.
Instead, I figure that you probably need the same thing I need - to slow down and connect with Jesus, who is God with us.
How in the world do we do that? My brain is going a mile a minute thinking about gift lists and schedules and decorations. How to fit it all in and do all the things. Yet what I need is to
Slow…….
Down…..
And just be. Be still.
Be quiet.
Worship the King.
What does that look like?
Before answering that question, answer this one. What are your expectations this Christmas season? How would you like to feel on December 26? Closer to Jesus or exhausted, worn out and disappointed?
The Christmas advent season talks about hope, joy, peace, and love. Where might you expect to find those things? Sometimes we find them where we least expect them - Jesus has always been showing up in unexpected places, right from the beginning!
I’m finding that one of keys to “finding” Jesus in this season (and probably any other) is to be looking and expecting Him to “show up”. What am I looking for and where am I expecting to find hope, joy, peace, and love?
This past Sunday, our family drove our son and his roommate back to college after their Thanksgiving break. Driving 2 and a half hours each way, I had plenty of time to think about all these things and wonder where Jesus would show Himself on the highway in western Wisconsin.
Two instances come to mind. One, after we got the boys and their stuff into their dorm room, my husband prayed for them both that they would finish the semester strong and be a light in that dark place. Then he hugged them both at once - one arm around each. (We’ve known his roommate since he was born, so this was a normal thing.) I didn’t cry (this time!), but that hug almost did me in! It was so sweet and special.
Then, during the drive back east as the sun was setting behind us, the shadows on the rural Wisconsin hills were so stinking beautiful! It was a gorgeous sunset. Jesus is an amazing artist!
So I’m not sure that the way to avoid feeling exhausted and disappointed on December 26 is necessarily to cancel doing all the normal Christmas things. It probably wouldn’t hurt to cut out at least some of them, though…
Instead, what if we keep living our lives and doing the things, but be looking each day for where Jesus might show Himself? Where we might find hope, joy, peace, and love this season?
I bet that if we’re looking and expecting, we’ll see…
Forgiveness - Three Things to Keep in Mind
Thanksgiving and Christmas usually include time with extended family. Sometimes that’s a great thing and other times it makes for having to confront some very messy relationships. Family can be our greatest blessing or our greatest area of pain and hurt.
When family relationships (or any other relationship, for that matter) have resulted in pain and hurt, forgiveness can be a difficult thing. However, God commands us to forgive.
Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’
Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”
Forgiveness frees us. Unforgiveness and anger can hold us hostage, only adding to what the other person has done to us. When we choose to trust God and forgive, we are free from that bondage.
Here’s three things to think about:
1. Forgiveness does NOT mean that we allow further hurt or abuse.
Forgiving someone is choosing to release them from our resentment and desire for vengeance. However, it’s still very wise to establish healthy boundaries with that person. If they are verbally abusive or highly critical, you are wise to avoid situations where you’ll be confronted with that. You can’t change their behavior, but it’s up to you what you choose to expose yourself to. In the case of greater abuse, forgiving them doesn’t mean you condone their actions or don’t pursue criminal charges when appropriate. Don’t place yourself in the situation of being hurt or abused further.
2. Forgiveness lets the offending person “off the hook” with you but not with God.
God is the perfect Judge. He knows when that person needs to suffer consequences for their actions. But that’s His decision, not ours. We need to trust God that He will dispense justice as He sees fit. There are times when His justice seems far more harsh than anything we would have chosen! Yet He knows exactly what He’s doing. Our forgiving the person gets us out of the way for Him to deal with that person as He sees fit.
3. Forgiveness is sometimes a process rather than a one time decision.
Depending on the nature and frequency of the offense, forgiveness may take time. Sometimes we become aware over time of how someone’s actions or lack thereof have affected us. As we grow in our awareness, we may need to forgive them in layers, like peeling an onion. Whenever those feelings of resentment resurface, choose yet again to forgive rather than dwell on it.
Journaling prompts
- Who do you need to forgive? Maybe before you see them on Thanksgiving or Christmas?
- What makes forgiveness difficult with that person?
- What healthy boundaries do you need to establish to keep yourself from being hurt further?
Three Things to Consider When Setting Boundaries with Family
Thanksgiving and Christmas are times to get together with extended family, right? Go to Grandma’s house for turkey and again for Christmas Eve…
In the Instagram posts, it’s all magical and wonderful. But is that actually your experience? I mean, is that anyone’s experience 100% of the time?
Family is messy. There are expectations, relationships aren’t always great, and we’ll all broken humans who aren't always good at communicating effectively and kindly what we need and want.
All that sets us up for some interesting times around the Thanksgiving and Christmas tables (and leading up to them!).
The healthier your boundaries, the more peaceful of a time you’ll have. I’m not saying that everyone will get along perfectly or that no one will be disappointed, but it will help you to not grow resentful and bitter. And that’s always a good thing!
Having healthy boundaries is a complex topic, but here are some things to think through - and journal about!
1. Own your own feelings and preferences.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that you impose those feelings and preferences on everyone around you, but at least take responsibility for them. Acknowledge them. Share them kindly when appropriate.
2. Don’t own everyone else’s feelings and preferences.
The holidays offer lots of opportunities to disappoint our extended family. Maybe your spouse and kids choose to spend the holidays differently and the in-laws or grandparents feel left out and rejected. We should be kind and considerate, but let others take responsibility for their own emotions.
3. Work through when it’s the right time to say ‘no” versus the right time to compromise.
It’s easy to use the idea of boundaries as an excuse to be calloused or rude and just get our own way. That’s not the goal. Sometimes the right thing to do is to say, “Yes, I’d prefer to celebrate this holiday this way, but I’m going to choose to put my preference aside and do it your way.” The point is that you’re acknowledging your preferences but then making a choice. Other times, the right choice is to say, “No, it’s best for our family to celebrate differently this year. I understand if that disappoints you, but I need to do what’s best for my family.”
Where it gets messy is when we really don’t want to do something and yet we do it anyway because we feel bad for those it will disappoint or hurt, or we feel guilted into the decision. That leads to bitterness and resentment, not to healthy relationships.
We sometimes think that Jesus expects us to do whatever others want us to. We think that’s what it means to love each other. That’s not the example we see in Jesus. He knew His mission and He carried it out even when others wanted Him to stick around and heal more people or teach a certain way. He did what He set out to do, even when others didn’t like it.
The same concepts apply when we’re around extended family members who don’t treat us the way we’d like or don’t behave in a way we appreciate or are comfortable with. The critical aunt or the drunk brother in law. The overly flirtatious friend of the family. The uncle who curses around your young children on a regular basis.
You can’t change what others do (or don’t do) but you can decide what you’re willing to put up with. You can tell the critical aunt, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I don’t agree.” And walk away. You get to choose which conversation you’re part of, how long you stay at the party, and who you engage with and how. When you realize the ball is in your court and you’re not a victim of others, it paves the way for healthy relationships and inner peace.
What do you find most challenging in setting boundaries with extended family?
If you would like help working through some of these “under the surface” issues raised by the holidays, download “Journal Through the Holidays”, a set of guided journaling worksheets.
Three Questions to Ask Before Sending Christmas Cards
Let’s talk about Christmas cards. If you want to send them out this year and have them arrive in time for Christmas, you’re probably starting to think about them now. Or you’re thinking about the fact that you should be thinking about them…
Christmas cards have been around for hundreds of years, although with the advent of email and the cost of postage going up, we seem to receive fewer and fewer of them each year. How do you feel about them?
Are they life-giving or life-draining? Do they help you celebrate the birth of Jesus?
There are things that are tedious and expensive that are also life-giving and worthwhile. And some people enjoy doing them because it’s a fun, creative outlet. But sometimes they’re just a chore that doesn’t need to be done. Which leads to the next question...
2. What’s your purpose in doing them?
Most of the cards that our family receives are accompanied by a letter about all the things that the family and kids have been doing. Child accomplishments, wonderful family vacations, and the work endeavors they’re involved in.
As I tried to follow the trend, my husband and I had one of those “aha” conversations. These letters were just a brag fest on our kids. Do the recipients really care about what my kids are doing? If we were close enough to the family we’re sending it to, they’re likely already familiar with our kids’ activities and any big life changes going on in our lives.
So what was really my reason for sending one out?
[…Crickets…]
They’re pretty, or they can be. I know people who love to make cards and they do it as a family project each year. It’s an act of love to create something beautiful for someone else and a fun way to celebrate the holiday. Great!
There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s just something to consider. The point is to be intentional about how you celebrate Jesus’ birth.
3. How can you make them both life-giving and a service of love to the recipient?
We decided to tweak our own Christmas card tradition. There’s nothing wrong with keeping in touch with friends and family and including a current picture. But we narrowed our list (postage is expensive!) and we tried to keep our letters more gospel centered. It’s tricky to do without preaching a sermon - people really aren’t interested in that, either. When we send Christmas cards, which we don’t always do, we try to not focus on all the sports and activities that our kids have been involved in, but rather on what God is doing in our lives. Christmas is one of the few (only?) times of year that talking about Jesus is remotely culturally acceptable. Why not take advantage of that as a way to share Jesus with your family and friends?
Get Below the Surface
What are the “under the surface” feelings and issues that reading other peoples’ letters bring up in you? Do you feel competitive? Like you need your kids to live up to what all these other families are doing? That you need to put on the same veneer of success? Do you struggle with feelings of inadequacy?
If you know Jesus as Savior, then you are competent in Him. There’s no one you need to please other than Him. He’s not impressed by how many sporting teams your kids are on, or how many academic awards they’re won or how great your husband’s job is. He’s not even impressed by how much you serve in church and do all the religious things. He’s impressed by your heart for Him and your desire to love and serve Him.
You’re not inferior to anyone else. All are equal at the foot of the cross. You are just as much an image bearer of God as the wealthy CEO and the dirty homeless person on the street. God loves you passionately. You are valuable because He created you. Rest in that. You don’t need to impress anyone else.
If you would like help journaling through some of the different issues that the Thanksgiving and Christmas season tends to bring up, download my “Journal Through the Holidays” guided journaling worksheets.
Get Unstuck in Your Walk with Jesus
Do you remember the days of VCRs? I still have one in my basement… (I think even DVD players are going out of style with all the streaming services available.) If you wanted to watch something on DVD (or VHS), you had to make sure that everything in the back of the TV was plugged in correctly. The inputs and outputs had to be going to the right places. Otherwise, instead of watching “Lord of the Rings”, you’d get some soap opera or sporting event. Try as you might to change what’s on the screen, it won’t do you any good until your input cord is plugged into the right place.
Our spiritual lives can also have the same problem. We can get so frustrated trying to change certain sinful behaviors or bad habits. We try, we pray, but we just don’t see the victory and change that we’d like to. Perhaps the problem is that our inputs and outputs need to be examined.
Don’t Start with the End
When your DVD player wires aren’t plugged into the right places, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to see something different on the screen. You have to back up and see where something isn’t connected correctly.
With us, many times what we DO is fed by what we FEEL. What we FEEL is fed by what we THINK. What we THINK is fed by the things that we are putting into our lives or have been put into our lives by others. Instead of just trying to change what we’re doing, it can be helpful to back up and see what’s feeding that. Change the input in order to get a different output.
Sometimes those inputs are things that we are consuming on a daily basis - TV shows, books, social media, relationships… Other times those inputs have been placed in us from when we were growing up. Maybe our parents taught us certain ways of “doing life”, either intentionally or unintentionally. Even the most godly parents aren’t perfect. Other times, our own sinful nature simply came up with ways of coping with life that were unhealthy and unbiblical. Those things now inform how we think, how we feel, and consequently what we do.
Broken Soundtracks
“You suck at this.”
“You’re doing it all wrong.”
“I can’t believe you messed up again.”
“You have to be perfect in order to be accepted - and you’re not.”
Those are examples of “broken soundtracks”, as Jon Acuff calls them in his book, “Soundtracks”. They are the type of inputs that play under the surface in our minds (or sometimes quite loudly and obviously!) and leave us feeling defeated, frustrated, anxious, and depressed. They aren’t kind or helpful and many times they aren’t even true.
Sometimes when they’re playing, I can’t quite make out the words. Have you ever gone shopping and once you’re back in the parking lot, you realize you have a song in your head and you don’t know where it came from? It was playing in the store just loud enough to get into your head, but you weren’t consciously listening to it. Broken soundtracks can be like that. You just have this vague feeling of being defeated or a failure.
Trace the Wires
How do we figure out where there are faulty inputs are so we can replace them with correct ones? Journaling is a great way to do that. When your TV isn’t showing you what you think it should be, you have to trace the wires in the back to see what is plugged in where. That’s what journaling does. It allows you to trace the wires. When you find yourself struggling with something, reacting yet again not the way you want to, spend some time journaling about it. What were you feeling that led to that action? What were you thinking that made you feel that way? What broken soundtracks are playing? When you get that vague feeling of gloom, put words to it. What are you thinking that’s making you feel that way? Once you write it down and name it, you can then look at it more objectively. Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? What does God’s Word say about it?
When you’re journaling, have a conversation with yourself and God. Ask yourself questions like:
Why did I do that or respond that way?
What was I afraid of?
What was my motivation?
Was this rooted in something I learned growing up?
Is there a lie I’m believing about myself, God or others that is contributing to this?
Can I put words to the soundtracks playing under the surface?
Resources on journaling:
I’ve written a lot about journaling because of how helpful it has been for me. So if you’d like to give it a try, check out some of these…
Spiritual Growth Journaling Guide
5 Day Email Course on Getting Started Journaling
My weekly email newsletter also includes weekly journaling prompts.
Replace the faulty inputs
Once you’ve started to figure out where you have “faulty inputs”, then you can replace them with that which is true and in line with how God designed us to live. How do we do that?
Spiritual disciplines
The term “spiritual disciplines” can sound intimidating and somewhat “monk-like”, but don’t let that scare you away. Spiritual disciplines are simply practices and habits that we work into our day. They don’t need to be long, involved, or complicated. They’re sort of like spiritual exercises that you can do in small chunks. They may not seem spectacular at the moment, but with repeated practice, they will help you grow in your relationship with Jesus. They also help you replace faulty ways of thinking with God’s ways of thinking.
Here are some examples (not an all inclusive list):
Bible reading/meditation/memorization (And another post here)
Silence
Pauses - short breaks throughout the day to step aside and pray
Gratitude
Giving
Serving
Sabbath
Most of these are self-explanatory, but I’ve included links to blog posts or resources where I’ve talked about some of them. Here’s a blog post about starting a spiritual discipline.
If you’d like a more in depth resource of spiritual disciples, Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster is a great book.
When you uncover a lie or other type of “faulty input”, look for Bible verses that remind you of the truth. For example, if you have broken soundtracks about needing to earn love from God, memorize verses that talk about God’s love for you and how nothing can separate you from it. (Romans 8:38-39)
One of my favorite disciplines is that of a pause. I have an alarm set on my phone for 10am every day (but it can be any time). I step outside and take a deep breath, trying to release whatever tension has been building up in my shoulders. I thank Jesus for His presence with me and pray about whatever might be concerning me from the morning. It only takes a couple minutes, but it works like a reset button. There’s even an app for that!
I encourage you to check out the resources mentioned and pick a spiritual discipline to begin to incorporate into your life. Start small and remember that it’s a practice - it doesn’t have to be perfect. Let me know in the comments which spiritual disciplines you enjoy and how they’ve helped you!