The Place of Forgiveness

For the last couple weeks, we’ve talked about investigating the sources of lies in our lives. If you want to go back and read those posts, you can find them here and here.

Many times, the lies at the source of our struggles have come from family members or others from our past. I have found in my own life that an important part of the healing process involves forgiving those who are responsible for planting those lies in our souls.

As I have looked backwards in my own life and taken a posture of curiosity with the things I struggle with, I have discovered that the source of much of the dysfunction was one particular family member. I had always defended this person in the past, but when I look at my family dynamics with the perspective of an adult, I can see that he was at the center of the issues. I also discovered that at least part of the problem could stem from a personality disorder or mental illness. I don’t believe that his actions (or lack thereof) were malicious, however he played a large role in creating the dysfunction that I grew up with.

The point of uncovering the source of the lies we believe isn’t to assign blame. It’s to gain understanding and maybe even some compassion - both toward ourselves and toward others. For me, getting to the root of things help me to be more compassionate toward myself as well as toward other family members as I explored how this one person’s choices affected everyone else’s.

It also gave me the opportunity to forgive him.

I needed to forgive him for not being who I wanted and needed him to be.

I needed to forgive him for how his actions and choices helped to create the chaotic, dysfunctional home that led to the things I struggle with.

But what does it really mean to forgive someone?

It’s a choice to release our resentment and desire for vengeance.

Does that mean there are no consequences for the other person’s action?

Does it mean God won’t hold them accountable?

Does it mean we have to try and forget the offense ever happened?

No on all three accounts.

There are still consequences, they are still accountable to God for their actions, and forgiving does not necessarily involve forgetting. Depending on the situation, it may be wise to establish healthy boundaries with the person in question to prevent them from hurting you further. That doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven them.

When we choose to forgive, we are leaving that person and the consequences for his or her actions in God’s hands. When we hold on to resentment and the desire for vengeance, what does that accomplish other than to darken our own souls? It doesn’t change what happened or cause the other person to act differently. It only harms us and keeps us in bondage.

But when we forgive and let go of that resentment, it frees US of that burden and bondage and allows us to move forward in healing and growth.

Forgiveness is sometimes a process, rather than a “one and done” type of thing. Especially when the offense is deep or prolonged, we might have to release that resentment repeatedly. So don’t be discouraged if you feel like you’ve forgiven the person, only to have those feelings of anger and resentment resurface. Keep forgiving. Ask God to help you release those emotions and free you from them. You will find joy and peace on the other side.

How about you? What has forgiveness done in your life? How have you seen it free you?

Overcoming Generational Sin

For many of us, there are things we learned from our family of origin - ways of thinking, beliefs about God, ourselves and others, and ways of reacting to certain situations - that are not in line with the truth in God’s Word. Those things were taught to us, either directly or indirectly, and we are likely to teach them to our own families.

One way of looking at these things is seeing them as generational sins or generational curses.

Exodus 20:5b-6 “punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”

The word for ‘punish’ is Exodus 20 is better understood to mean “visit” or “deposit” and suggests consequences, rather than guilt. We are not responsible for what our families taught us or did, but we do suffer the consequences many times.

If you are the child of an alcoholic, for example, you are more likely to become one yourself. If your parents were stressed about money all the time, you’ve probably picked up the same attitudes. Did your parents fight a lot? Show favoritism between children? We tend to either learn the behavior directly or learn how to respond to it in a way that’s less than healthy. If it’s contrary to how God has designed us to live, then it’s sin. Sin gets in the way of our relationship with God and with others and leaves us trapped in cycles of dysfunction.

In Christ, through the Holy Spirit, we can break the line of generational sin that gets passed down. We become free ourselves and leave our children with a more godly legacy.

Working through the BUILD process is one way to discover those generational sins and exchange lies for the truth in God’s Word. Then we can break those unhealthy, ungodly cycles in our families.

Download the overview of the BUILD process here.

1. Name it and own it

In order to overcome something, we first have to understand it and see it clearly. Putting words to something gives us the ability to do that.

• My parents showed favoritism in their treatment of my siblings and myself .

• I learned to believe that I’m inadequate and can’t make my own decisions.

• I learned that authority isn’t to be trusted.

• I learned to deal with conflict by running away. Or by fighting back aggressively and denigrating the other person.

• I learned that money is something to be hoarded and fearful about.

Ownership versus blame

Once we understand better what it is that we’re struggling with, we really have two choices. We can own it and repent of it, or we can blame our behavior on others and keep repeating it.

If we get stuck in the blame/victim mentality, we won’t be free of it. And we’ll likely pass it on to our own children, continuing the cycle. I learned to act this way from my parents. I can’t help it. It’s not my fault.

Yes, we did learn it from them. We aren’t responsible for their actions, but we ARE responsible for ours. We are not to blame for what THEY did. We ARE accountable and responsible for what WE do.

Does that mean some people have more to overcome than others because of the families they were born into? Yes. That’s always been the case. Some grow up in wealth and luxury and others in abject poverty. Some grow up with wonderful parents and others with abusive or absent parents. No one said it was fair. But getting stuck feeling sorry for ourselves won’t get us free. It just gets us more bondage.

Take responsibility for our own behavior. If we want to break the power of that sin, we need to own it, not blame others for it. Confess to God what we have done or have wrongly believed, whatever it is.

• Lord, I see You as a distant, unloving God who is always watching for me to do something wrong. That’s not who You are. I’m sorry.

• Lord, I misuse alcohol, running to it when I feel stressed or inadequate. That’s not how You would have me cope with those things.

• Father, I run away from conflict and refuse to deal with it because I’m afraid of rejection. That’s not how I should handle that. You have a better plan.

2. Forgive

Once we have acknowledged the reality - what we learned and where we learned it from - it’s important to forgive those who taught it to us. Let it go. I was angry with certain family members of mine for many years for not being who I wished they would have been. My understanding and experience of my Heavenly Father has been affected by my experiences with them. I had to come to the point of forgiving them. Staying angry and frustrated only hurt me. It wasn’t going to change anything. I needed to let go of that in order to move forward.

3. Repent and replace

Turn and repent - turn 180 degrees - from those attitudes and actions. Make the choice, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to do life God’s way. When we have learned things that are lies or wrong behavior, we need to replace those lies with the truth. We have to relearn how to live life according to God’s design.

Easier said than done, I know. Romans 12:2 says that we are to be “transformed by the renewing of [our] mind.” Change starts with how we think about things - how we think about God, ourselves and others. If you struggle with feeling like God is distant and uncaring, spend time studying Bible verses that teach otherwise.

The last two steps in the BUILD process - “Lay the true foundation” and “Do what is right” talk about how to use spiritual disciplines to renew our minds with truth from the Word and then to respond to situations according to how God designed us to respond.

You can download an overview of the different spiritual disciplines here.

How about you? Have you seen generational sin in your own family of origin? Things that get passed down from one generation to another?

Where do the lies we believe come from?

We are the original owners of our house and when we first bought it, we did not install a water softener. Being first time home owners, we didn’t realize the benefits of a water softener or the hazards of having hard water. Over time, our water-using appliances started failing. We didn’t understand why until we learned that hard water causes minerals to build up in things like dishwashers and washing machines, causing damage. We could fix or replace the appliances and understand that hard water caused the problem, but if we didn’t understand where the hard water came from or stop using it, we were just going to keep having the same problem.

So it is with issues in our lives. We can trace our anxious thoughts back to a lie about where our worth and value come from. We can then correct that lie and replace it with the truth that our value comes from God, not from what we do. But it can be helpful to understand where that lie came from. Why? Investigating the source can give us the opportunity to forgive someone who might have been responsible for it, or show us where there need to be healthy boundaries put up to prevent us from being constantly exposed to that lie.

It’s not always necessary to find the source of a lie, and sometimes the source is simply our own sin nature. But sometimes it originates with a person who told us something, or lived in such a way as to demonstrate that lie to us. Sometimes it’s someone who is still in our life, and in order for us to heal, we need to draw some boundaries with that person.

Where did the lie come from?

When you have uncovered a lie you believe about yourself, God, or others, ask God to show you where it came from. Was there someone in your childhood that explicitly told it to you? Or was it an example you watched that led you to that conclusion? Be curious and trace it backwards.

Sometimes this can take some time to uncover. For me, I knew that I dealt with the lie that my value comes from what I bring to the table and what I accomplish. When I tried to investigate where that came from, it took a while to figure out. My parents weren’t highly “successful”, driven people. It definitely wasn’t a message I heard explicitly. But when I heard a sermon about how parents showing favoritism between their children can cause a works-based mentality in the kids, it clicked.

I’m the older of two children. I have always been the “good”, compliant kid. I didn’t get in trouble much and I generally played by the rules. My younger brother was the opposite. My parents frequently compared us. They would ask my brother, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” I was held up as the better of the two kids - the example to be followed. So why would that cause me to think that my value was based on my worth? Because the system that I observed in my family was that the “good” kid got the favor and the “bad” kid did not. Love was conditional. If I didn’t REMAIN as the good kid, I would lose my favored status, just like my brother.

Choose forgiveness and compassion

Uncovering the source of the lie may take some time - that’s OK. Ask God to show you. The purpose isn’t to bash and blame the people in our lives that are responsible, but rather to gain understanding, perhaps compassion, and to extend forgiveness. I had to choose to forgive my parents for demonstrating that love was conditional. Being a parent myself has helped me to see how challenging it can be to raise children with vastly different temperaments. The distance has given me perspective. Gaining compassion and understanding has helped me to find healing.

Set boundaries

Another reason that understanding the source can be helpful is that it could be a situation where you’re continually be bombarded with the lie you’re struggling with, even into the present. You may have a toxic parent, friend, or sibling who is continuing to repeat that lie and drill it into your soul. Setting healthy boundaries might be needed in order to stop that lie from being reinforced in your life. You might need to communicate that there’s behavior you are unwilling to accept or conversations you’re unwilling to engage in.

For more info on setting boundaries, Henry Cloud’s book, Boundaries, is excellent.

Investigate the Source is the 3rd step in the BUILD method of renewing our minds in Christ. To get a free copy of the overview of the whole method, click here.

Have you investigated the sources of lies you believe? Where did they come from?

How Lies Affect Our Spiritual Growth

What do you believe about God? About yourself? About others? Not what do you say you believe on paper, but what do you live out? What we live out is what we truly believe.

As we’re working through the process of getting unstuck in our walks with Jesus, we’re looking for the lie at the root of our chronic issues. I have found in my own life that when I’m struggling with something and just can’t seem to find victory, it’s because there’s a lie at the root of it that I’m believing.

Why is that the cause? How do I know it’s a lie?

Because we were designed to live according to the truth in God’s Word. He designed us, the world, and everything in it. Just as a lawnmower works best when it’s cutting grass, not removing snow, our lives work best when we’re living the way God designed us to live. That design is based on truth - the truth of who God is, who we are, and how He interacts with us. When we don’t believe that truth, it works its way through our lives and affects our thoughts, feelings, then our actions.

What sorts of lies do we tend to believe?

Lies come in all shapes and sizes, but there are some basic, popular ones that seem to surface a lot.

Lies about God…

• God is impotent and/or not involved in my life.

• God doesn’t love me.

• God doesn’t judge sin.

• God doesn’t forgive me.

Lies about ourselves…

• My worth, value, and God’s love for me are based on my performance, success, or accomplishments.

• I am inherently good. (So is every other person)

• My personal life and my spiritual life are separate and don’t affect each other.

• I don’t have anything positive to offer.

• I must be in control of everything (and everyone) in my orbit at all times.

Some of those things may seem contradictory - is it true that God loves us, but He also judges sin? Absolutely! God’s love for us doesn’t mean that He doesn’t take our sin seriously. Sometimes the lie we believe is that loving someone means ignoring their sin. Not true! Or we might believe that love and healthy boundaries don’t coexist. If I love someone, then I should let them do whatever they want to me. (No!!)

The truth that we are inherently sinful can seem to contradict the truth that we are made in the image of God and have something positive to contribute to the world. We all ARE inherently sinful, but still made in the image of God. In Christ, we are forgiven of our sin and are made into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). God has prepared good works for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10)

Many of the lies we believe stem from our understanding of God’s character and how He interacts with us. Much of our understanding and assumptions about God’s character are formed by our experiences with our earthly father. If you struggle in these areas, take some time to look at what you learned from your father. Not only things he explicitly taught you, but also the unspoken lessons you learned from watching his life and how he interacted with you and others.

• What did you learn about your value as a person?

• … about consequences?

• … love?

• … safety and security?

• … justice?

No earthly father is perfect, whether you grew up in a godly, Christian home or not. It’s helpful to look at what we learned from our fathers, not for the purpose of being critical and condemning, but to better understand ourselves and what we struggle with. Forgiving our fathers for falling short in whatever ways they did helps to free us and is an important step in healing and growing in our walks with Jesus.

How about you? What did you learn about the character of God from your earthly father, whether true or false?

Uncover the Lies that are Making You Stuck

Over the past several weeks we have been working through the BUILD method of using journaling and spiritual disciplines to understand why get get stuck in our walks with Jesus and how to get unstuck. If you’d like an overview of the entire method, you can download it here.

So far, we’ve spent some time alone in quiet reflection, paying attention to what is and isn’t working in our lives. As I said before, this doesn’t need to be a week-long solo backpacking trip in the woods in order to effective. Spending a little time each night before bed or setting aside some time once a week to pay attention to how our lives are going and where we’re struggling can go a long way in helping us grow.

We’ve spent time in prayer and asked the Holy Spirit to show us what He wants to bring into the light for us to work through. We have an area of struggle and have started journaling about it, asking some “why” and “what” questions.

What’s next?

How do we identify what is below the surface, causing the chronic issues we’re having? Here’s some more direction on how to play detective in your own life.

1. What exactly is the issue? Be as specific as you can. Be curious about yourself. What do you do or say? What are you feeling? Thinking?

2. Are there particular circumstances leading up to it or surrounding it? Specific people? People in particular roles?

3. Work your way backwards - from actions to emotions to thoughts to beliefs.

Here’s an example of what this could look like: I have struggled with feeling attacked as a person when I make a mistake or let someone else down. It’s more than just feeling sorry - it makes me extremely anxious and insecure. Since I’m human and make mistakes and fall short of others’ expectations at times, it can be a large source of stress and anxiety. I become anxious not only when I DO let someone down who is important to me, but also the fear of making a mistake is paralyzing at times. I didn’t think this was a normal, healthy experience, so I wanted to explore it.

As I journaled and became curious about these feelings, I asked myself what core belief was at the root of it. I realized that I felt I had to perform in order to be loved by others. When I didn’t perform to their expectations, I feared that I was less worthy of their love.

I knew that wasn’t true, and I knew God’s love for me isn’t based on whether I measure up or not. However, what I thought I believed and what I actually lived out were two different things. I intellectually believed that I was loved unconditionally, but my life wasn’t reflecting that.

We’ll get into this next part in a few weeks, but when I investigated where this lie came from (the “I” in BUILD is “Investigate the source”), God showed me something interesting. In a sermon, my pastor mentioned that when parents show favoritism between their children, it can create a works-based understanding of love and acceptance. My parents definitely showed favoritism between my brother and I. What surprised me was that I was the favored one - shouldn’t that make me more secure? Nope. Whether you are the favorite or not, it communicates to both kids that love needs to be earned. If I didn’t keep being the “good kid”, I could lose my favored status.

Making that connection helped me to understand why I struggle with feeling so anxious when I make a mistake. Even though understanding doesn’t directly change anything, it helps me to be more compassionate with myself, rather than just feeling frustrated at my anxious responses.

How about you? Have you tried using this process to work your way back through your emotions and thoughts to find a lie at their source?

I would love to hear from you! I read all comments and respond to emails. Let me know if this makes sense or if you have questions. You can also continue the conversation on Instagram or Facebook.

Tips for Journaling for Spiritual Growth

So you know that you want to grow in your faith, and you think there are some issues underneath the surface that need dealing with in order to do that. But what’s this journaling thing? How do I use that to become more like Jesus?

I started using journaling because it was a way for me to get my thoughts out of the jumble of my brain and onto paper where I could evaluate them with a bit more objectivity. I found that I would be feeling a certain way or dealing with a certain issue and I couldn’t sort through why.

Having a conversation with myself on paper forces me to slow down and look at what I’m feeling and why. It helps me to get to the issues that are causing those emotions. It brings the logical side of me back into play.

What does that look like? How do we journal in order to get to the bottom of what we’re dealing with?

Pull out a pen and paper and start writing. Talk to yourself. Are you dealing with anxiety and you’re not sure over what? Start with the basics:

“I feel anxious.”

What is making you anxious?

“My family members are fighting with each other and I don’t like that.”

Why does that bother you?

“I want them to get along. I don’t like seeing one being unkind to the other.”

What if they don’t get along? What’s the worst case scenario?

“They may blame me because I’ve tried to help them get along.”

Is it actually your fault that they’re arguing?

“Not exactly. I’m working with them trying to help them establish healthier boundaries.”

That’s a good thing. Unhealthy boundaries don’t get fixed overnight. It’s going to be messy for a while. But let them go through the process. You don’t need to own it as your own problem.

See how that went? (That was a true scenario, by the way…) Journaling allows me to separate the emotional mess part of me with the logical, Holy Spirit-led part of me. The book Boundaries for Your Soul by Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller talks a lot about this idea of taking the parts of us that are anxious, fearful, or angry, and guiding them with your Spirit-led self. There are things that I know are true, but I’m not always living them out. When I can identify what I am living that isn’t in line with what I know to be true, it calms my emotions as my logical self takes the reins back again.

Here are some tips for getting started journaling:

1. When you’re struggling with something, ask yourself a lot of “Why” questions. Why am I anxious? Why am I afraid in this situation? Why did I respond that way?

2. You can also ask yourself “What” questions. What am I afraid of? What am I anxious about? What do I think will happen if…?

3. Remember that no one ever has to read your journal. There’s no need to hide anything or spin your responses to make yourself look better. You have no one to impress. God already knows what’s in your heart and He still loves you. It can be painful to be honest with yourself, but it’s the path to healing and wholeness in Christ.

Have you tried journaling in this way? How has it worked for you? What tips do you have to share?

How to Identify the Issues in Our Lives

When we’re spending time in reflection and looking at our lives to see where we need to grow, what do we look for? How do we identify problems?

Life can get overwhelming. Depending on our family of origin, some of us have a suitcase worth of “baggage” and some of us have a semi truck. It can be daunting to figure out what needs digging into and working on first.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit is our gentle guide to show us what He wants to bring into the light when. I’m so thankful that He doesn’t expect us to figure out all the issues at once! I’d be totally overwhelmed, but He’s the perfect teacher, shepherd and guide. He won’t overwhelm us or expect everything to change all at once.

So how does the Holy Spirit speak to us? How does He lead and guide us?

He brings conviction. He doesn’t shame us, denigrate us for who we are, or make us feel horrible about ourselves. He puts His finger on that an area of our life that needs to be brought into the light.

How does He bring conviction? Several ways…

1. While reading the Bible. God speaks to us through His Word. You might be reading the Bible and a verse stands out to you as something you need to consider in your life.

2. While hearing the Bible preached. God speaks to us through pastors and teachers. We might hear a sermon at church or on the radio and have that same sense of the Holy Spirit using a highlighter to draw our attention to something that’s said.

3. In prayer. You might be praying and feel the sense that God wants you to deal with an issue in your life. That can be the Holy Spirit prompting you and convicting you. Always check it against the Bible, though. We’re capable of deceiving ourselves and coming up with all sorts of ideas. But the Bible is our plumb line - what we check our ideas by.

4. Through Godly friends and family. God can also speak to us through others in our lives. Again, we need to check it through God’s Word.

This all assumes that we are reading the Bible, listening to sermons and teaching, spending time in prayer, and have Christian friends involved in our lives. This is one of the reasons we talk about practicing spiritual disciplines, such as prayer, Bible reading, and community. They place us into opportunities for God to speak to us.

Another important thing to remember is that we were created for community. We aren’t meant to grow in our faith in isolation. Talking with a trusted, godly friend, counselor, or pastor can help to confirm what we think the Holy Spirit is showing us. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9, NIV So “follow your heart” is NOT good advice! Discerning the Holy Spirit as opposed to our own deceitful heart can be difficult, so checking it by the Bible and godly counsel is very important.

How do you discern the Holy Spirit in your life?

Relational Conflict as a Clue to Needed Change

As we are on the road to growing in our faith and in the process, becoming more of a whole, healthy person, there are certain things that are clues that point us to where change needs to happen. As we spend time in reflection, the first step in the BUILD method of renewing your mind, one of the clues we can look for is relational strife and conflict.

Conflict is a normal, expected part of life. We’re all sinful humans trying to live and work in community with one another. That WILL create conflict. Conflict also isn’t always a bad thing. Many times conflict is a path to greater understanding and appreciation for one another. Just as “iron sharpening iron” (Proverbs 27:17) creates some sparks, our working through our differences with others is bound to get a little messy at times.

So conflict by itself isn’t necessarily a clue that there’s a deeper spiritual problem that needs addressing. However, if we keep seeing the same type of conflict in our lives with the same people or under the same circumstances, that could suggest that something warrants our Holy Spirit-led investigation.

Do you consistently argue with your spouse over money or parenting? Do your friendships frequently end abruptly? Do you consistently have trouble submitting to your boss at work? Does your spouse complain about your defensiveness a lot?

Take a look at the type of conflict that bothers you the most. Ask God for wisdom. Journal about what seems to happen a lot. Look for similar situations or surrounding circumstances. With an attitude of humility, ask yourself what role you play in those conflicts.

Many of us have a strong sense of self-defense and protection. It’s much more comfortable to blame others rather than look inside and see how we have contributed to the problem. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3, NIV) Humility is the path to wholeness and spiritual growth.

Here are some common things that can cause conflict in relationships:

1. Our response to criticism. Friction will happen in our relationships. We will be criticized at some point in time, whether by a spouse, coworker, or friend. How we respond to that can either help us grow and strengthen the relationship, or it can drive a wedge instead.

Is your response one of defensiveness? Justifying yourself? Arguing with the other person that they are incorrect in their criticism? They might be incorrect, but are you willing to respond in humility and consider whether the other person is right?

When we have trouble accepting criticism graciously and humbly, it may be that there’s a lie about our worth buried in our hearts that needs addressing.

2. Boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means that we take responsibility for what we should be taking responsibility for. It also means that we don’t take responsibility for things that we shouldn’t be taking responsibility for.

We DO need to own our own decisions, emotions, actions, and words. But we need to let others own their decisions, emotions, actions, and words.

When we don’t own the things that are ours to own, we frequently end up blaming others and seeing ourselves as a helpless victim in a situation. That creates conflict when the other person confronts us about that situation. For example, if you frequently “drop the ball” at home or at work but blame it on your circumstances or other people, it can leave others feeling very frustrated and cause conflict. That victim mentality may be a lie that we learned growing up that needs to be replaced with truth from God’s Word.

When our boundary problems go the other direction - we take responsibility for what belongs to others - it frequently looks like people-pleasing and enabling of others. If we take ownership over others’ emotions, it can lead us to do whatever we think is necessary to make the other person happy. Or if we don’t let them own their decisions, we might bail them out and enable their poor behavior.

3. Our reaction to conflict in general. When I was growing up and my parents would argue, my mother would escape to her bedroom and close the door rather than work through the problem with my father. My father would then stand by the fireplace with his magazine and go back to reading. From that, I learned that running away from conflict was one way to handle it.

Maybe you’ve learned to fight rather than to run away when there’s conflict. Neither option is a healthy, Godly way of handling conflict.

Which do you struggle most with? Responding to criticism, unhealthy boundaries, or responding to conflict in general? In what ways might that be a clue to a deeper issue?

What do your emotions tell you?

Emotions are tricky things. Can we control them or do they control us? Are they reliable? They seem so easily swayed by what we eat, how much sleep we get, our hormones, or our brain chemistry. Should we ignore them? (Good luck!) Are they evil? Should we listen to them when we make decisions?

I don’t claim to have answers to all those questions, but I do know that God gave us emotions, so they must not be evil. Jesus expressed emotions. The Bible talks about emotions such as fear, anxiety, and joy as things that we have control over. We told to “not be anxious about anything…” (Philippians 4:6), to “not be afraid” (Joshua 1:9), to “rejoice in the Lord always” (Philippians 4:8), and to not give full vent to our anger (Proverbs 29:11).

In the first step in the BUILD method of renewing our minds, we spend time in reflection - looking at our lives to see what’s working and what isn’t. One ancient method of reflection is called the “Examen”. The idea is that you ask yourself five questions at the end of the day as a way of looking for God’s work in your life. You can learn more about the examen here.

The third question of the examen is, “What did you feel today?” The reason for that question, I believe, is that our emotions are pointers. Arrows. They aren’t necessarily dictators of truth, but they can help us understand what’s going on in our lives, for better and for worse. Were you peaceful and happy today? Why was that? What made you happy? Were you anxious? Fearful? Angry? Depressed? Over what? What are those emotions telling you about what is working and what isn’t working in your life?

Keep in mind that your emotions may not be telling you what you think they’re telling you. It may take some looking below the surface to figure it out. If you are anxious over planning your child’s birthday party, for example, it may be simply because you ate too much chocolate or didn’t get enough sleep and there are a lot of details to juggle. Or that anxiety could be telling you that you feel the need to impress the other parents in order to win their approval. Or that money is tight and yet you don’t want to disappoint your child. Or that your mom never approved of ______ at parties but that’s what your child wants and you know it’s going to cause a fight.

When I’m trying to decipher my more troublesome emotions, here are some questions I ask myself:

1. Is it rational? Is it in proportion to the situation? Sometimes I find myself anxious or fearful over something but it’s either irrational or blown way out of proportion. One of my “favorites” is leaving the garage door open when I leave the house. I don’t think I’ve ever actually forgotten to close the garage door, and yet it’s a frequent “go to” thing to be anxious about. Then there’s brain-eating amoebas whenever my kids swim in a lake… If it’s not rational or proportional to the problem, it’s time to take a step back and realize that. Many times, acknowledging that my emotions are irrational helps me to take a deep breath and not be controlled by them.

2. Is there a physiological explanation? Am I over-tired? Have I been eating junk? Could my hormones be out of whack? If that’s the case, a nap or some better eating habits might be the best solution.

3. What have I been thinking about that could be contributing to these emotions? Our emotions are frequently fed by our thoughts. So, looking at what we’re thinking about can give us a clue as to whether there’s something beneath the surface feeding those emotions. If that birthday party is stressing you out, what aspect of it are thinking about the most? What specifically is concerning you? Use journaling and follow the trail of emotions to thoughts to beliefs and see if there’s a lie that you’re believing that is contributing to your anxiety.

The BUILD method will walk you through the process. To download the overview of the entire method, click here.

Whatever their source, our emotions are a significant part of our lives and can impact us and our relationships in profound ways. Getting handle on what causes things like fear and anxiety in our lives can help us move toward the peace and joy that Christ offers us.

Self-awareness as a path to Christian spiritual growth

I know my kids pretty well. I can usually predict which situations are going to throw them into a tizzy and what they need to hear in order to help them regain peace. I can read their body language and figure out when they’re relaxed, stressed, or angry. I know the look in their eyes when they’re trying to hide something or when they’re afraid. That knowledge comes from years of spending time with them, watching them, and living life with them.

Maybe you know your kids that well, your spouse, your best friend, or your parents.

But do you know yourself that well?

Do you understand where your strengths and weaknesses are? Do you have a humble, accurate assessment of what you have to offer others and where you need others to fill in your gaps? Do you know the areas you’re most likely to sin in? Do you know what your body does when you’re anxious or fearful? Are you aware of which types of situations are likely to cause you to be defensive, angry, or relaxed? Can you verbalize how you’re feeling at any given moment?

Being self aware means understanding ourselves - our personality, emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and sin tendencies. We use the phrase, “What’s your bent?” on a given topic, meaning what is our opinion, or leaning. But it’s also helpful to think about it in spiritual terms. We are all “bent”. We aren’t perfect, but sinful. However, each of us is “bent” differently. I have a tendency to sin in one area but not another. You might sin in a different area. The more we understand our own “bent”, the more we can be on the watch for situations where we’re likely to not respond the way Jesus would have us respond.

It’s also helpful to understand our strengths and what we have to offer others so we can serve in a way that brings us life and benefits others.

Self-awareness isn’t the end goal, but it’s a path to becoming more like Jesus and serving Him more effectively.

How do we become more self-aware for the purpose of growing more like Jesus?

Reflection, the first step in the BUILD method of renewing your mind, is a very helpful way to become more aware of ourselves, how we’re doing, and where we need to allow the Holy Spirit to move more fully in our lives. But what does that really look like? I’ve talked in the past about taking some time once a week to reflect and ask yourself some questions. You can read about that here. Here are some other ways to get to know yourself better.

1. Become a student of yourself. Be curious. What are you good at? What brings you joy and life? What drags you down and makes you want to run the other way? Personality tests can be a useful tool (but not the end goal) to helping us understand ourselves more.

When I first learned about the Enneagram personality system, I found it frustrating. Every time I took a test, I came up with a different result. But then as I read more about it, I discovered that I was sort of “spinning” my answers to what I thought they should be or what I wished they were. Which is actually right in line with one of the things I struggle with - wanting to look good to others. Regardless of what personality system you prefer, if any, the point is for us to understand where we’re most likely to sin and how we can best serve those around us.

“If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else,” Galatians 6:3-4

2. Journal. When your emotions feel messy, or you’re frustrated and things just don’t seem to be working, write down what you’re thinking and feeling. I find that I get stuck in my head - thoughts swirl around and I don’t know what I’m feeling or why. Having a conversation with myself or with God on paper helps me to slow down and get those thoughts and feelings out. When they’re on paper, I can be more objective and see things more clearly.

3. Talk with someone close to you. Ask them where your blind spots are. We all have them. I became painfully aware of one of mine recently. I was completely oblivious until my husband pointed it out. We were designed for community - we aren’t complete alone. We need one another to help us see what we can’t. A Christian counselor can also help you find your blind spots and address the issues there.

What has your journey of self awareness looked like? How have you grown in this area?

Uncover Why Your Faith is Stuck - Reflection

How self-aware are you? Do you feel a vague sense of dissatisfaction in your life, but you aren’t sure where it’s coming from? Do you feel an underlying hum of frustration but you don’t understand why?

Taking some time to reflect can help you understand what is working and what isn’t working in your life and in your relationship with Jesus.

“But I don’t have time for that!”

I’m told I have the gift of being blunt. I haven’t decided if that’s actually a gift, but here goes…

If you don’t have time to reflect on your life and consider how you’re actually living it, then you’re too busy.

Tough love here - if you are OK with going through your life feeling frustrated, dissatisfied, and like you’re missing something in your relationship with God, then keep running at the pace you’re going at and don’t worry about reflecting on how your life is actually going and what’s causing your frustration and discontent.

However, if you’re tired of feeling that way and are ready to get to the bottom of it so you can live the way God designed you to live, you need to make some time to reflect. I’m not talking about going on a week-long solitary backwoods camping trip or even spending hours off by yourself somewhere. Just take a little time once a week to ask yourself some questions.

• What’s working?

• What’s not working?

• What is frustrating me?

• What do I like about my life right now?

• What don’t I like?

• What needs to change?

• Where is my life not pleasing to God?

The Bible talks about reflection:

“I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to Your statutes.” Psalm 119:59

“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.” Lamentations 3:40

“Everyone ought to examine themselves before they eat of the bread and drink from the cup.” 1 Corinthians 11:28 (referring to communion/the Lord’s Supper)

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

Sometimes, reflection involves asking God to search us and show us the areas of our lives that aren’t working because they aren’t how God designed us to live.

“But I just go through life and don’t think about it much. How do I figure out what’s frustrating me?”

Ask yourself questions. The ones I listed above are a good start.

To help you with this, I suggest taking a look at a friend’s site - Laura Garry. She has compiled a list of “Why?” questions designed to help you figure out where you’re stuck in your faith. You can find her at www.lauradgarry.com and download her list of “Why?” questions from there. You can also follow her on Instagram @lauradgarry.

We can’t fix what we don’t know is wrong. Being self-aware and taking some time to let the Holy Spirit show us where He wants to work in our lives is the first step to uncovering why we feel frustrated and stuck in our faith.

What we believe impacts the rest of our lives as well. Following Jesus affects our relationships with others, how we work at our jobs, how we raise our kids, all of it. There’s no separation between sacred and secular - between church and the rest of life. It’s all intertwined.

So if you’re consistently struggling with your relationships with others, for example, take a look at your relationship with Jesus. The Bible has a lot to say about how we conduct ourselves in relation to others. When we’re struggling with things like communication, conflict, or forgiveness, we need to take a look at whether we’re living the way Jesus taught us to. When we don’t do that, we have struggles and frustrations. The same goes for the other areas of our lives.

That’s what Romans 12:1-2 is all about:

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

I’m not saying that every time we’re frustrated with something it means we’re sinning. Sometimes life is just frustrating. But if we have areas of our life where we’re repeatedly frustrated and discontent, we need to look at why that is. We may need to renew our minds with the truth of God’s Word.

To learn more about the BUILD method of using journaling and spiritual disciplines get unstuck in your faith, take a look at this overview here.

Do you find time to reflect? How have you found that to be helpful?

Spiritual Benefits of Celebrating

Why do we have celebrations and holidays? When God was establishing the Jewish people with how to “do life”, He included feasts - celebrations and times of remembering what He had done for them. They were days (or several days) to set aside as different from other days. They were holy (where we get the word “holiday” from to begin with) - set apart. Why? To remember what God had done for them.

Why do we need to remember? Because we forget so easily. We get caught up in our regular, daily grind of work and life, and we forget.

Isn’t that the point of celebrating birthdays, wedding anniversaries, Christmas, Easter, and Independence Day (and all the others…)? To remember things that are important? My husband is really good about taking time to remember the early days of our relationship, how God brought us together, and the day of our wedding. Looking backwards doesn’t come naturally to me. I prefer to think about the future rather than the past. But he has taught me the importance of taking time to remember.

As the world seems to be crumbling around us and our own country seems more passionately divided than ever, I find it helpful to remember God’s faithfulness in the past. When I look at an uncertain future - labor shortages, inflation, supply chain issues, divisions over abortion, race, gender, and violence of every type - it’s easy to focus on those things and become fearful and anxious.

However, when I remember God’s faithfulness in the past, both to me personally and to His people in general, it comforts me. No matter how crazy things get, God goes with us and reigns over it all. I would go as far as saying that celebration and remembering is a spiritual discipline.

Here are some benefits to celebrating as a spiritual discipline - why we need to remember:

1. Remembering the past gives us perspective for the future. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our present reality and only see what’s in front of us. Remembering God’s past faithfulness strengthens our faith that He will continue to be faithful in the future.

2. Remembering leads us to be thankful. Gratitude also keeps our present in perspective. Being thankful keeps us thinking about what is good and positive, rather than dwelling on negative things that we can’t change.

3. Remembering draws us closer to God. What we think about shapes what we feel and how we act. When we’re thinking about God’s faithfulness, it’s an opportunity to draw closer to Him in praise and thanksgiving.

Getting together with friends and family, playing games, and enjoying community together are all great ways to celebrate. Attending parades and fireworks, visiting memorials, and participating in special church services are other options. Whatever leads you to remember and be thankful for God’s faithfulness in the past and give you hope for the future.

What is your favorite way to celebrate and remember God’s faithfulness?

Take God with You on Vacation

Vacations are a wonderful way to take a break from our regular routine, get a change of scenery, and spend time with our families. In that breaking of our routine, however, it can be difficult to figure out how to keep our walks with God fresh. If we’re used to spending time with God in the morning when we’re at home, for example, that can be difficult to do when we’re in a hotel room with our family members. It may not work to sit down with a cup of coffee first thing at the kitchen table to read the Bible and pray.

Frequently on vacations, I haven’t made any special plans for what spending time with God will look like. But if a vacation is supposed to be restful and recharging, it would really make sense to consider ahead of time how we will recharge spiritually as well.

Here are some ideas to try:

• As you are driving or flying and seeing new places, allow it to lead you in worship of God for His creation. Look for Him in the beauty and wonder of new places and beautiful scenery.

• Take advantage of nuggets of down time to pray, read Scripture, or journal. For example, I’m not a huge “play in the pool” fan, but I will go down to the hotel pool with my family and hang out at one of the tables and journal or read the Bible. It’s not always the quietest place, though!

• Since vacations are all about changing up our routine, go with that! Maybe try a different spiritual discipline that you haven’t tried before, or read a different portion of Scripture.

• Rely on God for His provision. When we’re in our regular routine, it’s easy to go through the day without seeking God for things like a good place to eat or a clean hotel. Being in an unfamiliar environment is an opportunity to seek God and rely on Him to provide restaurants, hotels, destinations, a well timed pit stop location, etc.

• Ask God to lead you to people who are open to hearing about having a personal relationship with God. Look for ways to be a witness to those you come across. In general, I think building a relationship with someone and sharing your faith that way tends to be more effective and less awkward. But, Gospel “tracts” or pamphlets explaining the gospel can be a useful and even natural way to tell someone about Jesus when you know you will only have a brief time with them. Here’s an example.

What ideas do you have? How can you make your vacation not only a time of physical rest and refreshing, but also a spiritual one?

What does Biblical Meditation look like?

Do you struggle in your faith? Many of those struggles can stem from lies that we believe about ourselves, God, or others. I describe the process of uncovering those lies and replacing them with truth from the Bible in my BUILD method. You can download a free overview here.

One of the spiritual disciplines that can be very helpful in replacing those lies with truth is Biblical meditation.

Meditation gets a bad rap in Christian circles. In some ways, it’s for good reason. When you think about “meditation”, what comes to mind? For many, they picture someone sitting in a yoga pose with their eyes closed and fingers in a circle position. That’s a typical reference to Eastern meditation, which is NOT something the Christ follower should be involved in. Eastern meditation involves emptying one’s mind, or focusing on a single object in order to encourage mental discipline and focus.

Biblical meditation, on the other hand, involves thinking and mulling Scripture over in our minds. The Hebrew word that is used for “meditate” in both Joshua 1:8 and Psalm 1:2 means to “murmur, ponder, imagine, to growl, utter, speak, muse, or imagine” (Strong’s Concordance). It’s also the same word in Psalm 2:1 that is translated “plot” or “devise”. Clearly there’s a lot of thought going on in Biblical meditation, rather than just a focus on one physical object.

Where does Biblical meditation fit into our lives? When we meditate on Scripture, we mull it over in our minds, we think about what it means and how it affects our lives. Many times, meditation is combined with memorizing a verse and studying it. It’s all wrapped up together. When we memorize a verse or verses, rather than just committing the words to memory (which can be done mindlessly), we are thinking about them. What do they mean? How do they impact my life? How do they counter the lies I find myself believing?

I’ve been slowly working my way through the book of Ephesians this summer. I’ve read it many times before, memorized portions of it, studied it - it’s not new to me. This time, I’m trying to memorize as much of it as possible, but not just so I can read back words. I’m really trying to meditate on it as I go. Some days that means just thinking about one verse throughout the day.

I’ve been marked in Christ with a seal… The Holy Spirit is a deposit guaranteeing my inheritance… (Ephesians 1:13-14) A deposit - that means that there’s more to come. Like a down payment on a house or a vehicle. So the Holy Spirit is just the beginning of what God has in store for me. What does that mean to me today? What does it say about how God feels about me? My value? Do I only have both the deposit and the future inheritance based on what I produce? No, it’s just based on my believing. That helps to counter my feeling like I also have to be performing to earn God’s love…

That line of thinking could also branch into looking up other verses about the Holy Spirit and His role in my life. I could also investigate the idea of an inheritance. Where else does the Bible talk about our inheritance?

Meditating can happen just in our minds. It can also be something that we write out in a journal. The meaning of the word meditate also suggests speaking out loud. If there was ever a good excuse to talk to yourself, this would be it!

I heard an interview with Makoto Fujimura recently where he talked about his practice of taking one Psalm per month, listening to it spoken each morning, and working on an ongoing painting based on that Psalm. What a unique way to meditate on verses! I have no idea what his paintings looks like - does he try to paint the images in the Psalm (trees, pits, musical instruments, etc) or does he paint his own interpretation of the Psalm… I’m sure there’s no right or wrong way to do it. It’s whatever makes those verses come alive. It’s a way of processing what they mean and how they impact our lives.

I’m not artistic, but I’ve taken verses and tried to illustrate them. It forces me to try and attach concrete images to more vague concepts. How would you illustrate “peace”? “Reconciliation”? “Judgment”? Illustrating those concepts forces us to think abut what they mean.

If you speak another language, learning a verse in another language is a good way to rethink what it means. Different English translations can also make is think.

How can you incorporate Biblical meditation into your life?

Sabbath reminds us of our limitations

You have limitations. So do I.

One of the ways I’m reminded of that fact every summer is when I put up our soft-sided pool. Anyone with me? It’s a production. Every. Single. Time. There’s getting it arranged the right way on the dead patch of lawn. Remembering how the filter tubes go (you’d think after all these years I’d remember…). Then it starts to fill and I try to spread out the folds in the bottom in ICE COLD WATER.

Then it really begins. The leaks. I don’t understand where they come from or why there are new ones every year. I think I have one patched and another shows up. Once that’s under control (for now) it’s a matter of getting the tubes hooked up so that THEY don’t drip and leak… It seems never-ending!

I can’t fix every drip in my pool. I can’t make it leak-proof. I have limitations.

I also can’t work in my garden for very long in 100 degree heat. I can’t stay up until the wee hours of the morning finishing a writing project. I can’t force my brain to cooperate when I’m emotionally drained or physically exhausted.

Do you struggle against your own physical limitations? Do you forget that you aren’t a machine and can’t just keep producing all day every day? Being busy has become a badge of honor in our culture. If we aren’t busy, it feels like there’s something wrong with us. We must be lazy.

God, who does not have limitations and doesn’t get tired or worn out, created the world in 6 days and then rested. Not because He needed to, but because He wanted to show us how it’s done. He gave us the Sabbath because we needed to be reminded of our limitations. It also reminds us that He has none.

In a spiritual sense, placing our faith in Jesus fulfills the Sabbath. It’s a forever rest from trying to work our way to a right relationship with God. (Hebrews 4:9-11) Because of that, I don’t believe there is a legalistic need to follow the Sabbath rules that the Jewish people did. However, the idea of working for 6 days and resting for 1 has been around since, well, the Creation. It’s part of our design. We weren’t designed to be machines that always work no matter what. The Sabbath reminds us of that.

Perhaps taking a day off of producing (whatever that looks like for you) would also remind us of our less concrete limitations. I’m limited in my control over situations. I’m limited in my ability to change others’ actions and emotions. I find myself saying to my youngest child a lot lately, “Don’t worry about what your brother is doing or not doing. You worry about you.” What I’m trying to communicate is healthy boundaries. It’s not his job to make sure his older brother does his chores. He has plenty to do in managing himself.

I can’t fix someone else’s life or alter their emotions or choices. I can’t make everything better for those around me when they’re struggling or frustrated. I can’t change the past. I can’t constantly produce without taking a break or recharging. I can’t stop life from changing even when I don’t want it to.

Taking a weekly Sabbath rest of some sort gets us in tune with how God designed us. To rest and recharge and remember that although we have limitations, God does not. A Sabbath practice is also an opportunity to slow down and reflect on the week. What’s working? What isn’t? What issues in my life is God wanting me to cooperate with Him on changing?

Do you practice some kind of Sabbath? What does it look like for you? How can it be a freeing spiritual practice and not a legalistic religious requirement?

Spiritual disciplines establish routine and stability

If you struggle with creating routine and structure in your life, spiritual disciplines could be one helpful way to do so. When I was starting to home school my kids, I found very quickly that we needed some routine “pillars” in our day. We needed to have something that we did to start the school day - in our case, we did the pledge of allegiance and some copy work. We moved through our morning until around 10am, when we created another pillar - snack time and going outdoors. Later on was lunch and more time outside, etc. Having those pillars in place gave our day structure and stability. Even if everything went off the rails between the pledge and snack time, we knew that we could reset at 10am and get back on track.

Spiritual disciplines can create similar pillars throughout your day, whether you are a stay at home mom, you work from home or at an office, or are retired. Here are some suggestions:

• Take a walk after lunch and pray for yourself and others.

• Step away from what you’re doing mid morning and mid afternoon and take a pause - a minute to pray and breathe and lay your cares at Jesus’ feet.

• Read or study the Bible in the morning.

• Read the Bible before bed.

• Memorize Bible verses while you’re in line at the grocery store, doctor’s office, or school pickup line.

• Journal and reflect on Sunday afternoons after church.

• Attend church regularly.

• Pray while taking a shower.

• Pray before bed.

• Reflect on the day before going to sleep.

Why is all this helpful? It keeps us thinking about the things of God and focusing on Him throughout our day. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the activities of the day and forget that God wants to walk moment by moment with us. We are designed to have God intertwined into every aspect of our lives, not just on Sunday mornings.

I’ve seen in my own life that when I spend time with God in the morning and then don’t have these spiritual disciplines as pillars throughout my day, I tend to promptly forget everything I talked to God about that morning. I’ve always found the lives of monks interesting because of how they have set times of prayer during the day. Not a bad idea!

However, the challenge in having set times of prayer and study and such is that it can easily become a rote, mindless, going trough the motions, rather than a meaningful time of connection to God. We always have to fight to keep our minds and spirits engaged and to keep our practices Spirit filled and not a checking of a spiritual box. Spiritual disciplines don’t get us “brownie points” with God or make us more loved by God. We are fully loved and fully righteous through the blood of Jesus, not as a result of works.

But, when we do stay engaged, these practices can help us to stay focused on God throughout the day and help us to grow in our faith, replacing lies with truth from God’s Word.

What “pillars” of spiritual disciplines do you have in place? Which ones would be helpful to add?

Do summer schedules (or lack thereof) have you stressed?

Memorial Day is past, so it’s officially summer in the U.S. Some may still have kids in school, but the end is probably very near! What does your summer look like?

Are you someone who likes routines and planning or runs the other way from them? Personally, I like to plan things until I get tired of my plans. Then I’m spontaneous until I feel like life is out of control, at which point I go back to planning. I never seem to find that middle place. Instead, I swing from one side to the other…

This time of year, for example, when we’re done homeschooling for the summer, I look forward to being done with all the responsibilities. But that only lasts a few days until I’m bored and need to plan more things to do. Anyone else?

There’s nothing wrong with plans and routines and there’s nothing wrong with spontaneity. We all have to become students of ourselves and find the balance that works for us in each season of the year and season of life.

Where I see a problem for myself is where making plans drifts into the territory of an unhealthy need to be in control of every situation.

I’ve been realizing lately that different seasons of the year can bring to the surface different struggles in my life. See my earlier post on that here. And summer brings out my desire for control. Why? Because I feel like I have so little!

I can try to structure my day to run these errands and work on this writing project or have coffee with that friend. And then the kids need to use the car or have their friends over for a music jam session or a water balloon fight - all great things! They have wonderful friends and I’m so thankful for them. However, my desk is in the living room right where the jam sessions happen and there is NO thinking and writing while that is going on. Or the carefully planned excursion to the coffee shop to write gets derailed by not having my car available. If you have teenagers or young adults, you know that planning ahead doesn’t usually happen.

Maybe you don’t have teen kids at home, but rather a retired spouse. Or you’re caring for elderly parents. Or you have young kids and want to get them out of the house to play dates and sporting events. Whatever your life looks like, summer can be a time when we have less control over our plans.

For me, I need to decide what I’m flexible with and what I’m not. It’s OK for that coffee shop writing time to be a non-negotiable. It is my car, after all. It’s also OK to require 24 hours notice of the kids’ plans if it involves me needing to change mine. There’s also room for flexibility. They’re going to make the house incredibly loud? Fine. I’m going to run my errands now instead of later.

Situations like this can also raise issues of an unhealthy obsession with being in control. Do you find yourself overly stressed and anxious when plans change? Are you unable to be flexible and adjust your plans as the need arises?

As you look at your summer, are there things that you try to control, but probably shouldn’t? Pay attention to your anxiety levels when plans change at the last minute. How can you either mitigate that or better deal with last minute changes? Where can you implement healthy boundaries with others? What elements of your schedule are you not willing to be flexible with? What elements are you OK with moving around if needed? I find that if I decide ahead of time what I’m willing to flex on and what I’m not, it decreases a lot of the stress when plans shift and change.

If you struggle with issues of boundaries and control and would like help sorting through them, take a look at the BUILD method and download the free overview explaining how it works.

Combating Anxiety

Do you struggle with anxiety? According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, over 40 million adults in the US have an anxiety disorder. How many more deal with it during different seasons of their lives that no one knows about?

I’m not a counselor or a professional. If you struggle a lot with anxiety, seeing a Christian counselor who is grounded in God’s Word can be a great option. In this post, I’m speaking from my own experience and what I’ve learned and am learning on this topic.

The Bible tells us not to be anxious about anything, but many times we may feel powerless to change the way we feel. How do I simply not be anxious? Philippians 4:6 talks about praying instead of being anxious. OK, I’ve prayed and yet I’m still anxious. What am I missing?

I’m not a Greek scholar, but when I look up the word for “anxious” that is found in Philippians 4:6, it means “divided or drawn into opposite directions; distracted” (Strong’s Word Studies). Interesting… I’ve definitely been distracted and divided due to anxiety. Sometimes it seems to take over my mind and push aside everything else.

In my own experience, there’s rational anxiety and irrational anxiety. Some stress and anxiety is a God-given indicator that we should pay attention or take action. If you have a legitimate health concern, it’s wise to have it looked into in case you need treatment of some kind. If there are threats to you or your family’s safety, our anxiety over that should lead us to appropriate action.

The problem arises when our anxiety is out of proportion to the actual threat, or when we have done everything reasonable in our power to address the issue, yet we’re still anxious. And then there’s irrational anxiety when there is no threat or problem.

I’ve wrestled with all these scenarios and I’m realizing that anxiety is a very complicated issue. Again, I’m not a professional, just a fellow struggler.

If it’s rational anxiety about something I should be taking action on, then the logical thing is to pursue a solution. Make the doctor’s appointment, have the conversation with the teen or your spouse, look for a new job, etc.

But when it’s irrational or out of proportion to the legitimate concern, it gets complicated.

For me, so many factors can play into it…

- Have I eaten too much sugar and drank too much coffee?

- Am I too busy and haven’t taken time to rest and recharge?

- Are my hormones out of whack?

- Is there a lie that I’m believing about myself, God, or others that contributes to my anxiety? Something from my past that is resurfacing and causing this?

Just as I’m not a counselor, I’m also not a doctor. I only know that sometimes too much sugar and coffee seem to make me really stressed out. And other times having some caffeine actually relaxes me. I have no idea why. But in general, I know I need to be aware of those things.

I have also found that as I’ve gotten older, my hormone cycles have changed and sometimes my irrational anxiety seems to perfectly coincide with those changes. Then it magically disappears once my hormones shift again. That can’t be a coincidence.

I mention those possible triggers as things you can research on your own and start paying attention to.

Aside from those considerations, or in addition to them, how can we combat anxiety that causes us to be “divided or drawn in opposite directions”? I find that I can get into cycles of anxiety where horrible situations play in head in vivid clarity on repeat.

Here are some things I’ve done to combat that:

• Of course, pray about it. Ask God to show you the root of your anxiety. Ask Him for peace and a calm trust that He will provide and care for you. Lay the situation in His hands. Taking a “pause” during your day to lay your cares at His feet can help to refocus your mind on Him and not on your worries.

• Change my physical situation, when possible. Take a walk. Get out of bed. Do something different. It’s like my brain gets stuck on an anxiety loop, but physically moving and refocusing my attention elsewhere helps to interrupt that loop.

• Give my brain something else to think about. Take on a cleaning project. Plan a trip. Find something productive to focus my mind on, other than its runaway anxious scenarios.

• Memorize Scripture. This goes along with the previous suggestion. Focusing on memorizing Bible verses, whether it’s those that relate to my anxiety or not, gives my mind something else to think about. It’s not enough to just memorize the words. We need to think about what they mean. Mull them over in our minds. That’s what meditation is in a Biblical sense. Doing that changes the “inputs” that feed our anxious emotions.

• Journal about it. Write down what exactly you’re anxious about. What are the scenarios that stress you out that are playing over and over in your mind? Why are you anxious about that? Is there something underneath that anxiety? A lie you’re believing that’s feeding it?

The BUILD method can help you work through uncovering lies that could be fueling your anxiety.

What makes you most anxious and how do you deal with it?

How does the season affect your walk with Jesus?

Life has seasons, both big picture seasons (single vs married, young kids vs grown kids, etc) but let’s not forget the actual yearly seasons. I have found that while in the “big picture season” I’m living in (older school aged kids who are home schooled and one child in college), that the year breaks naturally into 3 “smaller picture” seasons: September through December (school heavy), January through May (slightly lighter school schedule, but lots of planning and other events), June through August (summer - no school, college kid home, schedules are out the window).

Instead of fighting those seasons and expecting them all to be the same, I’ve begun to try and work with them - to adjust my expectations based on the season. I’m also noticing that I can pay attention to the different types of issues that come up during these different seasons and see them as opportunities for spiritual growth.

For example, during the summer, I wrestle with my desire for control because any semblance of routine or predictability disappears. I have teens driving all over for jobs and social plans, which frequently causes me to struggle more with anxiety. There’s more time with family while on vacation or day trips, which reminds me to be present with my people instead of always distracted with other things.

If you were to divide up your year into seasons based on the big picture “season” of life you’re in right now, how would you do it? What does the rhythm of your year look like? Does it revolve around a school schedule? Or is it more like winter, spring, summer, and fall? Or is it governed by something else? Major holidays, perhaps? Work rhythms?

Which season are you in now? Is it about to change? Take a look at the current or upcoming season. What spiritual struggles does that season tend to bring to the surface? Anxiety? Loneliness? A striving for control? Trouble respecting others’ boundaries? Difficulty enforcing your own boundaries?

I’ve talked in the past about the importance of reflection and being aware of how you’re doing spiritually. One way of being aware is to be looking at the season you’re in and how that affects the things you struggle with. If you’re aware that you struggle more with anxiety, for example, in the season you’re about to enter, you can then begin praying and trying to understand why that is. Use the BUILD method to get below the surface and deal with the root causes of those struggles.

I would love to hear about how your year divides out. What rhythms does it create? Let me know in the comments. And if you’re comfortable sharing how what you struggle with changes with those seasons, I’d love to hear that, too.

What can happen when parents show favoritism…

If you struggle with being a people-pleaser like we talked about last week, or generally feel like you have perform in order to valuable, one possible source could be parents who showed favoritism between you and your sibling(s).

In the BUILD method of growing in your faith, we look at uncovering the lies that we believe (U) and then investigating where those lies came from (I). One lie that I have struggled with has been that my value is wrapped up in how well I do something or what I bring to a relationship. I discovered that one source of that lie was the fact that my parents showed favoritism between my brother and I growing up. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been in this situation. (For an overview of the entire BUILD method, click here.)

First, this is not a parent-bashing post. As a parent, I can testify that raising kids can be really challenging. It can be hard when one child is very compliant and “easy” where others resist your guidance and leadership (to put it mildly and diplomatically…). My husband likes to say that kids are like bolts that need to be loosened. Some bolts require a light tap and other require a blowtorch. It’s tricky to manage different personalities of kids without showing favoritism. We’re not perfect parents, and neither were our parents. My goal is not to berate them, but to simply understand in our own lives, how their parenting, or our perception of it, shaped us and created lies that we struggle with.

Which leads to my second point: Your parents may not have loved you and your siblings any differently, but if you perceived that they did, it’s still going to create the same struggles in you. Your parents may not have erred in this area, but if, as a child, you felt that they did, it’s going to affect you the same as if they really did. Those of us who have kids can attest to how their perceptions of events don’t always line up with reality!

The other thing I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older, is that my parents were products of their own parents, who passed along varying degrees of dysfunction to them. I’ve grown to have more compassion for them and less criticism. They had their own baggage that they brought into parenting and life in general.

With all that said, what can happen when our parents show favoritism between us and our siblings? (Or we feel like they do…)

It can create a conditional, works-based view of relationships.

My pastor mentioned this in a sermon a year or so ago and it was such an eye opener to me. I had just one younger brother. I was the compliant, “easy” child and my brother was a complete rebel. I have always struggled with a works-based view of relationships. I’ve wrestled with the lie that my value in a relationship comes from what I can contribute or how helpful I can be.

“But I’m the good kid - the favored one - why would I struggle with that mentality?”

Because I realized that if I didn’t remain being the “good kid”, I could lose my favored status just like my brother did.

Lightbulb!

The lie that I learned was that love is conditional. So I’d better keep on being good if I wanted to keep that love.

Now, the Bible certainly does talk about blessings and cursing based on our behavior. Unconditional love does not mean no consequences for poor choices and no rewards for good ones. Deuteronomy 28 spells out to the Israelites what blessings they will receive if they follow God’s commands and what curses will happen if they fail to do so. And there were lots of times in their history when they failed! And yet they never ceased to be God’s chosen people. He always embraced them back again when they repented and turned back to Him. He still loved them, even in their disobedience, while they were being punished.

This is an area that I think my husband does really well. Our three kids are definitely different and require different levels of discipline in different seasons of their lives. But whenever one of them is disciplined, once the consequences are over, he always makes sure that he spends quality time with that child to reaffirm his love and renew his fellowship with him or her.

My parents weren’t good with consistent consequences for my brother’s behavior. So instead of them doling out punishment and then renewing their fellowship with him, they were constantly annoyed and fighting with him and each other, never really getting anywhere in teaching him to be a civil member of society. I’m also not convinced that he rested in their unconditional love for him. He became an alcoholic and died several years ago in a drunk motorcycle accident.

I was the compliant child, got good grades and made good decisions. My parents would say things like, “I wish your brother was more like you.” Even our teachers would ask, “You’re Amy’s brother?” in amazement when he would have the same class a few years after I did. The insinuation was that he wasn’t a “good kid” like I was.

The subtle message underneath all that was that if I didn’t keep on being the good kid making good decisions, I might lose my status just like he did.

What does this look like as adults? What lies do we embrace and how does that affect our relationship with God?

1. We can embrace the lie that our relationships with others are based on what we bring to the table.

2. This can lead us to become people-pleasers - doing whatever will make others happy with us. It also can make us defensive when criticized, since we believe that our value comes from what we do right. When we do something wrong, then that value is threatened, which is very scary!

3. Since we tend to get our view of God from our relationship with our parents, favoritism can lead to us having a works-based relationship with God. We can think that if we sin too many times that He will give up on us. It creates insecurity, fear, and anxiety. We can say that we believe God loves us unconditionally, but do we really live that way? With confidence that we go with God no matter what?

How do we fix it?

You’ve investigated the source of the lie you believe. If you have found that you struggle with being a people pleaser or works based thinking, perhaps you’ve traced it to the fact that your parents practiced favoritism between you and your sibling(s) - or at least you perceived that to be the case.

Now what?

Forgive.

Forgive your parents for not being perfect. Let them off the hook. Let God work with them. Realize that they were dealing with their own baggage from how THEY grew up. And in some cases (mine, for example), they didn’t know God themselves. They couldn’t be expected to mirror His character when they didn’t even know Him.

Then reinforce what God’s Word says is true about you and your relationship with Him.

“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.” Ephesians 1:11-14

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Those are a couple verses, but there are others.

For more information on how to use BUILD to uncover lies from your past and grow in your relationship with Jesus, take a look at the overview here.